AIBU to do housework instead of playing with the kids?

[Blurp]

We moved house recently; the house was lying empty for almost a year before we moved in, so although it's mostly in good enough condition, there's a fair bit of cleaning and minor DIY jobs to be done.

DH and I both work basically full time (technically I'm about 3/4 time, but the extra time is used up ferrying the kids to school etc, so we've about the same amount of spare time). DH works 7-3; I work 9.30- 5.30 with a couple of hours off in the middle of the day to collect the kids. Kids are 6&3.

Yesterday I needed to do a DIY job in the shed (repairing a shelf for the tumble dryer to sit in). It ended up taking most of the day (once I started I realised more of it was rotten than I thought, and I decided it was best to just do the whole thing while I was at it).

DH and I had said we'd watch a movie once the kids were in bed, but when I sat down he announced that he couldn't because he hadn't had a chance to do his cleaning (we split the cleaning 50/50; he was due to do bathrooms yesterday - main plus en-suite; I had done the kitchen and floors before starting the DIY job). I asked why he hadn't done it during the day, but he said he'd been playing with the kids all day because I was busy.

I don't see why he couldn't have left them to play for a bit while he did the cleaning. DD(3) still naps for an hour in the afternoon and DS(6) will happily play on his own, but DH won't let him. Literally if the kids are awake DH is playing with them. He won't even take 15 minutes to sit and have a cup of coffee while DS plays at the table. Then he complains that he's exhausted.

Even if they're playing happily on their own, if DH comes into the room he's immediately over to them asking to play. I just think "they're happy, enjoy the break for 20 minutes", but it's as if he thinks it's terrible for them to be left to amuse themselves (whereas I think it's a valuable skill).

I do play, but not constantly. If I have housework to do, I get in with it (once they're settled to play; sometimes I get them to help me). I tell them to play if I need to sit down for a bit, and they do it. DH will always drop whatever he's doing to play with them (even mid-conversation, if the kids come in and ask to play, he'll walk off mid-sentence).

Am I being unreasonable to think they need to play on their own sometimes, and accept that adults have other things to do?

Not unreasonable but he clearly just wants to enjoy them while they are young and want to play with him. So long as everything gets done eventually I don't see any issues.

I think he sounds great, to be honest.

I'm not hands-on enough with my kids (largely as I'm a single parent & just can't be - but truthfully I do also use times they are occupied to do jobs / get a break. Like now!)

It's also impressive (I know, I know he doesn't deserve a medal or anything) that he is still making sure he pulls his weight with cleaning & isn't ducking out of it saying he played with the kids.

It’s brilliant that he wants to play with them, up to him when he does his share of the cleaning.
My DP just doesn’t get playing, mind you nor does ds.

I think he sounds great. He doesn't get that much time with the kids if he works full time, so its lovely that he wants to play with them while he has the chance.
And obviously he is not slacking and using it as an excuse not to do his share of the chores. I certainly wouldn't be complaining.

I play with my kids all day, dd2 can amuse herself if needs be but they're only little once and there's plenty of time for cleaning when they're in bed

I think the balance needs to be somewhere between the two of you. He sounds over the top and he will never get anything done. Also the kids will think the world revolves around them and they need to learn that they can’t always be the centre of attention.

However on the flip side they are still young enough that you spending all day doing DIY jobs would have meant your DH was effectively on duty with them the rest of the time. It would annoy me if my DH did this, I often feel like doing jobs the kids can’t help (interfere) with is easier than parenting as you get to be away on your own and can listen to a podcast or chat on the phone etc. When my DH announces that he needs to spend the day painting the garden fences or whatever I’m always a bit because it basically means he gets the day to himself whereas I then have to entertain DD2 all day which is much harder work than painting! Depends on your kids though I guess.

Also it’s not like he doesn’t see the kids in the week - if he finishes work at 3 then surely he can play with them after school?

@Bobbots
I think the balance needs to be somewhere between the two of you. He sounds over the top and he will never get anything done. Also the kids will think the world revolves around them and they need to learn that they can’t always be the centre of attention.

I think this is my main concern. Partly that I'm ending up doing all the jobs around the house (we both share the regular cleaning, but the general cleaning and stuff that comes with a new house all falls to me as he would never do it). And partly that the kids expect to be played with all the time. DS is very happy playing on his own, and will sit and make fantastic Lego cars and really creative drawings, but DH basically doesn't let him do it! DD has never really had the chance to learn to entertain herself because DH was furloughed for most of the year and just played with her solidly!

It is great that he plays with them, obviously, I'm just a bit worried that it will lead them to always rely on someone entertaining them. Also he then complains all evening that he's exhausted and never gets a break!

@Bobbots

Also it’s not like he doesn’t see the kids in the week - if he finishes work at 3 then surely he can play with them after school?

Yes, he'll play as soon as he comes in, until he has to make dinner. Then again after dinner until bed time.

I think neither of your approaches are right or wrong, just different parenting styles. I'd just let him get on with it OP.

I mean... as long as he isn’t neglecting everything else that needs doing I think it sounds lovely that he enjoys playing with them so much.

Wish my Dad had been like that.

Also I think you will get skewed responses because he is a man. People seem to think you should be grateful that a man wants to play with his own children a lot even if it means they never learn to entertain themselves and he never gets his jobs done. Or does but moans about having to do them in the evening. If it was the other way round and you were moaning that you have to spend your evenings doing housework because you have to play with the children constantly then people would be telling you that all mums have to do their chores around their kids and they need to learn how to juggle the two together. But because he’s a man a lot of people will be all “aww it’s lovely he wants to play with them so much”. Which it is. But it’s his choice if he wants to sacrifice his evenings to do it. Make sure you point this out to him explicitly. And definitely don’t bail him out ie take on more of the housework to enable him to just spend more time playing with the kids and then have evenings together.

Oh my goodness I could have written this! My OH is super dad, super parent and super fun. I'm the boring one who does the ironing whilst paw patrol is on, or does the washing up whilst smiling at ds playing in garden. My OH gets 'exhausted' too whilst the house looks like a bomb has gone off and the kids worship him as the fun God! We work opposite shifts so I need him to do his bit.

Basically I fully understand what you're saying. But have no solution!

OP YANBU. Yes it’s lovely that he wants to play with the children so much, but I work I early years and actually he is doing them no favours. Children need to be left alone sometimes so they can develop those skills of independence and find ways to engage themselves, have some freedom to explore and experiment without an adult directing their play, and (if they have siblings) probably do a fair bit of sibling falling out and making up - important conflict resolution skills which can’t be done with a grown up hovering over them intervening every second. Free play and time when they’re left to their own devices is actually a really important part of child development (so much so that it is specifically mentioned in the EYFS, basically the early years rule book, as something that early years settings need to facilitate for children). I would try and explain this to him - it will do everyone some good for him to back off a bit!

@Cactuslove

Oh my goodness I could have written this! My OH is super dad, super parent and super fun. I'm the boring one who does the ironing whilst paw patrol is on, or does the washing up whilst smiling at ds playing in garden. My OH gets 'exhausted' too whilst the house looks like a bomb has gone off and the kids worship him as the fun God! We work opposite shifts so I need him to do his bit.

Basically I fully understand what you're saying. But have no solution!

You've summed it up well! I mean, DH does do some housework, but yesterday was a prime example - I did the same amount of housework, plus spent the rest of the day doing DIY that needed to be done (we were in danger of the tumble dryer falling on someone if the shelf wasn't fixed). There are dozens more jobs like that that need to be done, but I know full well he won't do any of them, so I'll have to.

I do think @Bobbots is right that if the situation was reversed (ie me spending all day playing), more eyebrows would be raised.

@FourForYouGlenCoco

OP YANBU. Yes it’s lovely that he wants to play with the children so much, but I work I early years and actually he is doing them no favours. Children need to be left alone sometimes so they can develop those skills of independence and find ways to engage themselves, have some freedom to explore and experiment without an adult directing their play, and (if they have siblings) probably do a fair bit of sibling falling out and making up - important conflict resolution skills which can’t be done with a grown up hovering over them intervening every second. Free play and time when they’re left to their own devices is actually a really important part of child development (so much so that it is specifically mentioned in the EYFS, basically the early years rule book, as something that early years settings need to facilitate for children). I would try and explain this to him - it will do everyone some good for him to back off a bit!

This matches with what I've always thought. Interesting about sibling conflict as well... DH is involved in every single little argument they have (obviously with DD being so small it's not too bad yet, but they're getting more squabbly as she gets older). I tend to leave them to resolve anything minor, and generally I find that they do sort most things out and move on. Whereas DH will be in there, negotiating and talking them through every step.