Is it too late to discipline my 10yo?

[scarecrow22]

Please don't judge me, or tell me what I know, which is I could have made different choices sooner.

My husband and I have given our children more latitude than many other parents we know. We are pretty strict about screens (not very very strict), we didn't have a TV until first lockdown because we loved the play and creativity they made instead of turning on the "box", we tried to teach them trust by allowing them to go to the local shop to get milk and bread (no roads to cross) from 8yo. We let them help themselves to breakfast, although we tried to steer them away from it. You get the picture.

But my 10yo is so wilful and shouty and apparently totally unphased by our attempts to discipline her. I introduced a rule that if she showed aggression to me or her smaller brother (now 8yo) she got a warning; the second time, or first time she hurt DB, she went to bedroom for minute per age. But after a massive battle, for which I do add minutes, she runs out, says she's sorry, is as sweet as pie, and I realise later she's not done her minutes. I need a cooking timer. But then it happens again. And again. And again. She even screams that she hates him and wants him to die.

Finally today I realised she'd changed the thumbprint on my phone to hers and had been downloading apps everywhere.- including ones that have cost me a total of nearly £40 a months (don't ask how I didn't realise, it's complicated).

I realise I need to change what we are doing, to curb the creativity and trust and adventure if we have to. I just worry I'm too late. And any suggestions for how to turn this around are very welcome.

Thank you all.

I personally don’t agree with sending a child to their room.

Tbh, her behaviour doesn’t sound particularly bad - she’s just a normal 10 year old and hormones probably aren’t helping. I’m not saying it’s acceptable for her to say she wants her brother to die but I’m sure she doesn’t mean it.

The pandemic has caused a lack of structure in children’s lives.

If I were you I’d try to focus on positive reinforcement for her good behaviour rather than punishing the bad.

she went to bedroom for minute per age what on earth is that meant to achieve? Time to get stricter, can you have a look for online parenting courses?

Don't send her to her room. You can do a time out near you, so you have more control. As to a timer, use your phone, oven, smart speaker.

Thank you.

Got the bedroom minute/year from episode of Supernanny, which informs lastbyear when preciously despairing. Insanitary a chance to calm down. I always give her a hug after and make the point that it’s over. Maybe that’s not right, but it feels right.

I should have made clear, too, that by “discipline” I want her to be much more respectful of my me and her dad, to stop lying, and to take much better care of her things and those of others.