Feeling frustrated and pressured by PIL

[Smiths84]

My PIL are lovely and I would feel guilty saying this IRL as it would hurt their feelings but I’m feeling both frustrated and pressured by them around seeing our newborn DS and its getting to me as I worry about their expectations for seeing him when DH goes back to work.

I’m a first time mum and it is their first GC so I understand they are excited about seeing him but sometimes its a bit much. For example, in the beginning they thanked us multiple times for giving them a grandson which I felt funny about as we are pleased they love him but we also didn’t have him for their benefit.

They texted every day asking how DS was but would ring if there wasn’t a quick response, usually we were sleeping or busy with DS so couldn’t reply right away, it became more irritating than supportive.

When they popped round to see us for a walk, MIL didn’t acknowledge me when I answered the door and said hi, she just went straight to DS in the pram, I know she’s excited but I’ve been finding things difficult so I felt a bit crap about it. PIL then jumped in to push the pram when we went out, I don’t necessarily mind them pushing DS but they didn’t really check as such if it was ok, they just grabbed the pram. I know I’m sensitive as I’ve hardly been anywhere with DS whereas PIL have so I felt a bit pushed out.

The bit that’s really got to me though is that I’ve recently really struggled with breastfeeding, particularly cluster feeding. The latest cluster feeding session was 4 days. I got to a point where I was exhausted and teary, had painful nipple blanching, didn’t leave house as when we got DS ready he would cry hysterically for more food. I was basically stuck to either the bed or the sofa feeling miserable and considered giving up breastfeeding altogether. Previously I had been giving DS the odd formula feed, so I could have a break but also so PIL could take him out for an afternoon in the early days. This was a godsend as it let me and DH catch up on sleep but after researching cluster feeding and asking the HV to visit she reassured me all is fine but DH and I made the decision to exclusively breastfeed and ditch the formula as it was potentially affecting my milk supply and contributing to the length of the cluster feeds. During this time PIL asked if they could take DS again, DH had to explain about the cluster feeding and that they wouldn’t be able to take him out for as long as I was going to exclusively breastfeed but were welcome round anytime. MIL’s advice was why don’t I give up and formula feed as that’s what she did. I know she was trying to be helpful but I feel potentially that they really want to see him and with me EBF they have less time to have him.

Today DH asked PIL round ours. DS was feeding when they arrived and literally as soon as he finished feeding and while my boob was still out they were straight over to pick him up for a cuddle, again they didn’t ask, I don’t mind them having a hold but it made me feel like just a feeding machine rather than his mum. There were also comments made about how long it has been since they last saw him and how much he has changed in a week and they thanked us for letting them see him.

When I spoke to DH afterwards he said they’d been worried about missing out on DS so he explained again about the cluster feeding.

I know it’s lovely they want to be involved with DS, and I’m probably just feeling sensitive with the hormones but I’ve had such a difficult week and I don’t think they have grasped how hard we have have found it and can’t see past their wish to see DS. We didn’t see anyone or go anywhere last week and I feel we have enough to think about without having to worry about our PIL in this way.

I know they would feel awful if they thought they had upset us in any way. I just hope that when I’m on Mat leave they aren’t expecting to have him every other day. I’m totally happy for them to spend time with him and he will be so loved by them but I want it to be relaxed and organic rather than doing it because I feel obligated. Not even sure why I’m posting, just needed to vent I guess!

I think your DH needs to step up as they're his parents and be clear and firm (but kind) about what the situation is e.g. 'we're having a hard time with feeding at the moment so you won't be able to come over this week, I'll send you a daily picture so you can see how he's doing' and 'if anything is wrong we will call you, please don't call us because we're probably catching up on sleep' (if they ignore this, turn your phone off). Just tell them. Start as you mean to go on.

Congratulations.
It's ok to feel the way you do. The new born stage isn't easy and you need to feel relaxed and confident.
I think you could get your boundaries in place early. Decide what level of contact you are happy with - maybe one afternoon a week outside of nap time, and perhaps for dh to visit his parents for a couple of hours on a Sunday morning, to give you a chance to have a lie in and a bath.
You don't mention seeing your parents. Or friends. Make it clear to pils that you need time for yourself and for other members of your family. And time for you, dh and baby to bond together as a family.

Yes, it's difficult when people treat you like a baby incubator.
If the visits are too much, put some "natural blockers" in the way. "Aw really sorry, we are a bit tired today", "ah we have other plans, will catch up soon", "sorry not feeling great. Will let you know when I'm better".

How old is your ds now? How old was he when your pil were taking him for the afternoon?

@NuffSaidSam
Thank you, I brought it up with DH later in the day and he said he has explained that we’ve been busy with DS and and that it has been difficult so I felt a bit better. DH and his parents have a good relationship but he will say if he’s not happy with something which is good. I’ve not mentioned fully how I’ve felt to DH as he’s done so much to look after me and DS and I think he will feel I’m going a bit ott if I mentioned everything.

@Mintjulia
Thank you. I agree I need to put in some boundaries. It’s not something I've had to think about before but I need to start. I would definitely be happy with once a week and then DH visiting when he’s off work. I’ve seen my parents a little. They are much more chilled though. They will just chat about general stuff and wouldn’t worry if it’s been a week and they haven’t seen DS. I am also more comfortable telling them to give us space than I would be saying that to PIL. I think for PIL they only really have DH and now DS as family whereas my family is bigger so there’s more going on. My mum has popped in the odd morning for a quick cuppa and will have a chat and a hold of DS. My dad popped up last week and may pop up tomorrow. I’ve spent most of my time at home feeding DS so I’ve only met friends once for an outdoor cuppa, I took DS and fed him out, will definitely be doing it more now I’m getting used to things.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
He is almost 5 weeks now, he was only a week old when PIL had him, he didn’t need to eat as much then and really it was more to help us sleep as we’d been up all night in the hospital with DS so it was invaluable. We were very grateful but now it’s just not feasible

I think you are right to be concerned that your PIL’s potentially want a different type of relationship with your DS than you are hoping for. At this stage, I think the best way to communicate to them that they are being too full on is not to do so directly. When you finish feeding and they are waiting to take baby don’t hand him over, continue burping or cuddling him and act surprised that PIL is standing in your space. Obviously if they start trying to snatch DS your DH should get involved and tell them to back off.

With your DH back at work they are going to have to contact you during the week if they want to visit. You don’t have to respond to messages immediately if you are busy/tired/want some space and neither do you have to answer or return phone calls instantly. If they want to come over that day and it’s too soon you suggest another day or the weekend when DH is there for back up. Let them know you are going out at x time so without telling them directly they are aware that their visit is only 2 hours (or whatever length you are comfortable with). If they’re the sort to just ‘pop over’ don’t answer the door, if they start knocking on windows etc let them know they have just woken you from a much needed nap.

I had over the top, over excited PILs and have managed to maintain a good relationship with them by doing this. Where they seriously overstepped DH spoke to them. Remember you do actually have agency in this situation and can be polite while implementing firm boundaries.

I promise the cluster feeding does end and in my experience breastfeeding then allows you to get more rest in the long run!

They are being rude by not saying hello and acknowledging you when coming in, that just might be over excitement it might be the start of asking you for granted.
The same with them wanting him from you when you had just finished feeding.
That and the suggestion you give up bf just so they aren’t inconvenienced does suggest they may be strarting to take you for granted.
You should have a frank conversation with your dh and tell him everything and he and you need to start nipping this in the bud. Eg can dh say something when she fails to acknowledge you when you open the door to her eg “mum say hi to Smiths84 it’s really rude to walk straight past her ds won’t disappear” don’t let them snatch ds off you at the end of the feed, get a sling, start being unavailable when they text or call and refuse visits if it doesn’t suit you.

Some of my family members were a bit like this. Firstly I think you do need to nip some things in the bud including PIL taking him out without you. You want to EBF so you need to do this on demand for at least a few more weeks and it’s therefore not possible for PIL to take him for anything more than a 15-20 min stroll round the block while you have a shower.

Other things you can try:
If they are due to be coming round when your DH is also there then be upstairs with ds when they arrive. Make a point of not coming down straight away when they turn up. When you do come down have baby in a sling and chat to them without handing him over. Give really clear cues that he is your baby and you will give him over for a cuddle when you and he are both ready and not just immediately the second they turn up.

It sounds like your DH needs to step in occasionally but you also need to find your own voice. Stop being so afraid of offending them. As long as you are polite there is nothing wrong with having your own thoughts feelings and wants about the situation.

You could also try getting MIL on side by asking her to do specific practical things eg “DS is taking up a lot of our time at the moment, would you be willing to help out with cooking please?” If she is keen and eager to be involved then she may just need to channel her focus somewhere other than DS.

Congratulations on your little one. I feel this is totally going to be me in a few months 🤦🏼‍♀️ Due in the summer and my PIL are extremely forward and my MIL will just continually talk, to the point she doesn’t filter or think about any of what she says so some of the comments she makes are actually really cheeky! I’ve always found this and just kept them at arms length but now I’m pregnant she’s trying to poke her nose in and I can just feel it happening that whenever he’s here she’s going to be at the door every 5 minutes 😑 She tells people very unnecessary private information and was telling someone she didn’t know in the supermarket about how I had to go for an extra scan. It turned out the person she was telling was actually my friend so she casually mentioned in conversation she was telling someone serving her all these details about my scan and it turned out to be my friend 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’m very private and hadn’t even mentioned to my friends about me needing to go for another scan because it’s really not anyone’s business and I hadn’t seen them but now she has! I also found out I have a low placenta and will need a section but didn’t tell her any of that because I can’t be bothered with her telling random people my personal information 😑 I can feel it building up and he isn’t even here yet so I don’t know how you’re managing to bite your tongue when you already have your little one. I was thinking of almost delaying telling anyone when he’s born just to buy myself a bit more time without her forcing her way into our house (given she thinks il have him on or after my due date and my section will actually be before that). It’s awful that such a special time can be wasted with people like this

My PIL were very similar and I found it really difficult. They would just take the baby from me or refuse to give her back when she was clearly unsettled. I think they thought they were helping but it made things so much more stressful for me. We ended up saying you can see her on specific days so they weren’t popping in all the time unannounced and I could gear myself up for it (they would knock on windows etc if we didn’t go to the door straight away)

It is better now DD is older and can go longer between feeds and they mean well but it was really difficult in the early days.

@Crikeycroc
Thank you. It’s good to know the cluster stage will ease!
Glad you kept up good relations with your PIL. I’m hopeful that a more subtle approach as you’ve described will work with PIL as they are nice people, not usually rude and we usually get on well, I just think they are over excited at their new GC. But I definitely agree I need to set boundaries and speak up if something isn’t right.

@Bobbots
Thanks, they are really good suggestions, DH has explained to PIL that they aren’t going to be able to take DS out in the same way due to me EBF and I’ve made a point of explaining why I’m EBF and the benefits of it. I think if I did ask either PIL to do something useful to help me out they would.
I definitely need to find my voice and your right it can be polite but firm.

@sarah13xx
Congratulations. Aww I’m really sorry that is happening to you. Your MIL definitely shouldn’t be talking to anyone about your private business. It probably is a good idea to keep any new developments to yourself but you shouldn’t have to. It does sound like you will probably need set some clear boundaries about her visiting in the same way I’ll need to set some, you definitely don’t want her popping round every 5 minutes when you’ve a newborn. I don’t blame you for not wanting to say straight away when baby is born. My MIL seems a bit different to yours personality wise, mine isn’t generally very forceful and keeps things quiet when we ask so that does sound difficult for you. I think my issue is that they are so excited about being grandparents that they are a bit blinkered by it. They desperately want to have hugs and time with him but aren’t thinking straight about anything else, for example, we’ll be having a conversation about something and mid way through a sentence they’ll start commenting on DS to each other, basically they aren’t listening but don’t realise they are doing it. I really wish you the best of luck with the pregnancy and birth and hope you manage ok with your in laws

@SamanthaVimes
Yes I definitely think they mean well, glad you got it sorted in the end! I think I need to be clearer with them on what is helpful, thankfully they aren’t haven’t been popping in all the time. I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt that on their last visit they were just excited but next time once I’ve finished feeding I’ll be saying that I need to wind him and that I’ll pass him over when he’s finished

@Smiths84 are you me but in the future??! I’m 36 weeks now and have had such similar experiences, being “thanked” for giving them a grandchild, they telling our new neighbours that I’m pregnant before we had even met them, and my FIL even asked if I’m going to breastfeed when I was only about ten weeks pregnant!
They’ve just announced that they are converting their spare room into a room for a baby so god know what they’ve got in mind in terms of their expectations! I’m going to save this thread to revisit as I can tell now that I’ll need some very firm boundaries. Sorry I don’t have any advice to give, just wanted to say you’re not on your own! xxx

I feel your pain OP! my other half's parents have said they are going to travel down as soon as I go into labour and be on hand to help out once baby is born (they won't be staying with us due to space, they will be in a local hotel) but I can't help but feel resentful and I don't know why! They mean we'll and its coming from a good place, I'm actually closer with them then I am with my own family but I can't help but feel irritated! I feel like no one has asked me what I want or if it's OK to come round and I would feel really mean to say no but also don't want people over minutes after I first return home sore, looking unkept and probably sleep deprived and grumpy. Does anyone else feel like people don't really consider the mums feelings? I literally feel like an object and that's it

Oh this resonates so much, boundaries are needed! I had my PILs going on about taking ebf DS a walk at 1 week old (as they have always taken their GC on the first ever walk), I found instantly shutting down these expectations helpful - regardless of how they take it. Then briefed DH on what we are comfortable with and not.

@Reign Totally get the 'feeling like an object' experience too, it's so annoying. I got so worked up from around 34 weeks worrying about people invading our special time with our baby after birth. We ended up saying to family that we wanted a period of time for just us with the baby and they just had to respect that. Don't be afraid to let people know your wishes before birth even if it means they have to change their plans. The most important thing is that you feel comfortable and excited about meeting your baby.

So I was feeling pretty fragile when I posted the other day as 5 days of cluster feeding with pretty much no sleep was awful. I’m feeling loads better due to co-sleeping and EBF. Having taken everyone’s comments on board we’ve had 2 short visits since and I’m much happier. I think the rushing to see DS and ignoring me was a one off due to excitement. I was asked by PIL if they could pop round to drop off something that they had bought for DS and told them it would need to be the day after. The last visit I could tell they were desperate for a hold but as soon as he finished feeding I said what I was doing next so they were clear I was busy with him. I said I was going to sit for a bit to wind him, when I was ready to hand DS over I said, do you want hugs from grandma and grandad now. I also spoke to my DH who has reassured me and I know if it gets too much I can say to him and he will have a word but also if he’s not around and anything is said or done that I’m not happy with I’m going to be assertive and say so myself.

Thanks @maloney123 It makes me feel better I’m not alone! I know others might have a different viewpoint but I think it’s weird to say thank you. They said it quite a few times and wrote it in his card and each time it made me feel weird! Definitely a good idea to save the thread and think about what boundaries you want now, I didn’t really know what to expect with it being my first baby. Best of luck with the birth Xxx

@Reign21 aww congratulations. I totally agree people don’t always consider us mums! The excitement of the baby takes over. I wonder if that’s partly why I’ve felt frustrated, because even though I know my PIL mean well and it comes from a good place too, because they don’t always ask what would be helpful and try and do their own thing it does make you feel irritated and then you feel guilty for feeling that way because you know they’re trying to help and you tell yourself you should be grateful. Not sure if it is your first baby or not but having just had the experience. I wouldn’t worry about being assertive and just telling them what you want. You might want them to be on hand to help or you might want to be left alone with your new baby for the first few days. We held off any parents coming to see him for 2-3 days as I was exhausted and I wanted to enjoy them meeting him. If I could do the first few weeks again I would have been more pushy for what I wanted.

@2021expecting
I totally agree with you, I wish I had done this a bit more. If I ever have another DC I would do what you did from the start!

@Smiths84 sounds like you have smashed it, well done!