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Parenting

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Original poster

moving out, ex having ds during the week.....scared he'll forget who i am......

16 replies

queenrollo · 14/11/2007 07:07

........i will soon be moving into a place of my own after seperating from my longterm partner. We have a 2 year old ds, who until recently i have cared for every day......circumstances now mean that it is better for ds to stay with his father and i will be having him Friday - Sunday.....
i haven't slept very well tonight because i am so scared that when i go ds will start to forget who i am
i'm going to miss him so much when i go.....it's tearing me apart, but i do know that being with his dad is the best thing for him at the moment.....
i feel like i've destroyed my relationship with my son......
please tell me i'm being irrational, that he won't forget me and he won't grow up to hate me because i was the one who left

OP posts:

AussieSim · 14/11/2007 09:36

I can't imagine how difficult what you are about to do is and I guess that you have good reasons. I truly think that if your DS is with your ex-DP for 4 days and then you for the next 3 days then there is no chance that he will forget you. It will seem perfectly normal after a short period of time. Afterall, how may hard-working DH's hardly see their kids Mon-Fri but are still beloved and remembered by their young children. My DS's see their grandparents once in a blue moon, but everytime they do it is like it was just yesterday for them. On the subject of him 'growing up to hate you because you were the one who left' sorry, but I couldn't give you any guarantees there. Kids hate their parents even when they have had perfectly 'normal' childhoods, so your chances are probably as good as the next. I suspect the teenage years will be a challenge as it is highly unusual for the mum to move out while the dad stays and keeps the kids. Will this be the long term arrangement do you think or is it more of a just for now kind of a thing? Steve Biddulph talks about little boys needing their mums from 0 - 6 and then their dads from 6-14 and then another male mentor after that. Just take it one step at a time and try to put support in place for you and your family so that you can deal with crisis and guilt as it inevitably arises.

Original poster

queenrollo · 14/11/2007 10:30

it will be the arrangement for....well the forseeable future....
his dad took on a new job just before we split that means he is now only working weekends.....and as soon as he was here all day ds was over the moon and i kind of became pushed to the background (not in a deliberate way, he just loves being with daddy).......i think it's because it's unusual for the mum to move out that i am having these worries to be honest. it's not been well accepted by many people around us, but ds staying with his dad really is the best thing for all of us, and i don't care what any of them think.
my ds is a very happy, lively little chap....the split is amicable and he seems completely unaffected by it so far, which i am grateful for...indeed since he's been spending so much time with his dad he's come on leaps and bounds.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 14/11/2007 10:33

well if he (DH) isn't working during the week, it sounds eminently sensible that he will have him then.

Will you be close by in case ds/you desperately want to see each other?

I can't even imagine how hard you must be finding this all (and I'm sorry you are not getting a lot of real life support).

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mamazon · 14/11/2007 10:35

i think what you are doing proves just how much you love your son.

no its not typical for the father to remain the main carer when a couple splits but you have identified the fact that your Ds will be better off.....and that is key! it is DS you need to worry about not yourselves or anyone else.

people will make judgments about you because they make assumptions based on their own selfish attitudes. ignore them.

your son will of course love you and remember you. in fact he will probably be more excited to see you as he has missed you all week.

good luck with your move. stay strong in the knowledge you are doing this for your son

Twinkie1 · 14/11/2007 10:41

This happened with me too although it wasn't amicable XH chucked me out and I ended up having to fight for 3 years for custody of DD becuase it was not what I wanted and I couldn't cope being away from her.

Make sure this is the best decision for you all, it broke me physically and emotionally and financially and although things have worked out well now - I won custody of DD and XH and I get on to a degree - although I still hate him for what he put us through!

Think about years down the line when he asks why you didn't want him with you - what are you going to say?? Because he will ask because staying with the father is not the norm and I don't think it ever will be. It's sad though men who leave their kids homes or just walk away aren;t tarred with the same brush that women get tarred with if they do the same!

titchy · 14/11/2007 11:14

Why do you have to move out though? even if ds dad has him during the week (I assume you work?), if the split is amicable couldn't his dad look after him at the current house and then go back to a flat or whatever?

Original poster

queenrollo · 14/11/2007 13:02

ex runs a business from this house.....so really i have to move out. and as this has been ds home for two years it is much better for him to stay here in familiar surroundings.
ex agrees that in the future if things change and it would be better for ds to live with me then that is what we will do.....especially when he is of an age to decide for himself where he wants to be.
i'm not going far and ex has said that especially in the early days i can come round to see ds every day if i want, so i can at least ease myself into not seeing him every day.
and Twinkie....i do want him with me, but really, right now that is not the best thing for ds....for several reasons, some emotional and some just practicalities of life.
it has been very hard to come to terms with how things are working out, but i do know that we are doing the right thing for ds now......and we will continue to do the right thing for him in the future...

OP posts:

Twinkie1 · 14/11/2007 15:55

I just don't want you agreeing to something and then if you have an arguement and it all going tits up as far as him being amicable you have to go through what I went through!

Lulumama · 14/11/2007 15:57

eeeeeeeeeeeek !

i'd be really wary of moving out and giving up our rights as main caregiver, especially if that is not what you want.. how will DH run his business if he is also full time parent?

he won;t forget you, but it sounds like you really don;t want this to happen which is just awful

Pixiefish · 14/11/2007 16:02

My friend's divorced and their girls have a week with mum and then a week with dad but they see both parents nearly every day (apart for when one goes on holiday)

Could you not have a bit more time with your ds- just because he's not with you during the week doesn't mean you can't see him

Surfermum · 14/11/2007 16:43

My dh didn't see his dd for 2 years (from when she was 18 months old) because his x prevented him. It all went to Court and his x tried to say that he should have no contact as it had been so long since he'd seen her and she wouldn't know him. So the Court said he would have to have supervised contact in a contact centre and a report done.

What happened was that she was over the moon to see her Daddy, and she ran straight to him and sat on his lap cuddling and playing for 2 hours.

He won't forget you. Don't worry about that.

Tapster · 14/11/2007 21:01

Sorry but it seem "logical" to have this arrangement but it doesn't seem that you really want it, thats why other peoples opinions are getting to you and you are seeking reassurance here. ex I'm sure could run a business from any house. We don't know all your details but its amazing how many practicalities financial etc.. you can overcome and live with for emotional happiness.

nooka · 14/11/2007 21:19

My husband and I seperated almost two and a half years ago, and although dh was the one that moved out (then we sold our joint home and I bought a new place) we were quite careful to make sure that dh's place was also called home (they had home one and home two for a while, now home three and home four ). We have a split week and have them for about the same amount of time each (they were older, at about 5&6). What matters most to the children is that they feel at home in both places (very important to have their own room and their own toys/special things at both places) and that you as parents get on. So good that you should pop around to your partners and that he should do the same at yours. If it's the uneveness of the split, then can you play with your work hours at all so that you have them for quite a lot of Friday or Monday meybe? I do compressed hours to be able to pick my two up from school once a week, and it makes me feel much better about being an absent mum. Or can you do an activity with him in mid week so that the gap between Mon-Fri feels less daunting?

On the loving side really don't worry. Small children accept these things very fast, and so long as there isn't stress, anger or unpleasantness in his life he will accept that that is how his life works. dd enjoyed telling her friends that "she had two houses" when we first split, and although it's a bit of a phaff with the split week, they rarely complain about it. It helps if you live close by so that small dramas (forgotten things etc) can be easily sorted out. You may also find that your time together becomes more special, as lots of one to one time can actually improve your relationship.

Boysandbeaches · 14/11/2007 22:09

Years ago, I met a fabulous Mum - she'd given custody of her DD to her ex- because that was what her DD wanted. Her DD couldn't have been more than 4, at the time - so it wasn't your normal situation. The Mum'd been very badly criticised for it, too. But, what has stuck with me, ever since, was that she did the best thing for her DD, not herself. Even now, I'm in awe at her. She really put her daughter's best interests first. Her little girl was happy and she was coping.

titchy · 15/11/2007 10:01

BandB it sounds like qr is putting her dh's business needs above her ds's though. Apologies rollo if this is not the case, I'm sure you don't want any more guilt trips.

Boysandbeaches · 17/11/2007 20:00

What I was getting at was don't be constrained by circumstances, or what other people think, but look at the real issue - your DS's best interests. You know what they are, you know him and yes, moving him would be a huge upheaval and still might be the best thing to do.

The woman, I used as an example, wasn't happy at all about having left her DD but was absolutely sure that she had done the right thing. If you feel that way, it will all work out. If not, go back and talk it through with your ex-partner and reach some other agreement.

As for your worries, I think they are normal. It must be most non-residential parent's nightmare: that their child will no longer need them, love them, remember them. All I can say is my DS1 loves his Daddy, can't wait to see him, misses him but if engrossed in something else, won't even talk to him on the phone unless pressurised.

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