Breastfeeding guilt

[Babo993]

Hi all, so I don't really know where. I'm going with this but I really feel like I need to get it off my chest.

I gave birth to my beautiful little girl on the 24th April, the birth was traumatic for me (baby heart rate getting low with contractions, epidural failed twice leaving me numb only down one side, allergic reaction to medical tape used to which the doctor brushed off as no epidural was being administered at the time even though I said it was burning, 2nd degree tear of an artery with 300ml blood loss and baby getting distressed during pushing phase leading to massive drop in heart rate) I was wheeled off to the ward where my partner couldn't stay with me unfortunately and it was about 2am. I knew I wanted to breastfeed but with this being my first child, I had no idea how to do it. I was taken to my bay and left there with no idea what to do so went to the front desk to ask for help. Someone appear whilst I wqas attempting and she had a squishy boob pillow which she was demonstrating on. I didn't find it helpful in the slightest but I managed to get my LO on and feeding although I assume we had a bad latch as it really hurt. I continued to attempt to breast feed but everytime I tried, it just hurt so bad. I think I asked a further 2 times for help, one nurse was more hands on which I was grateful for but she even aid it was difficult due to the size of my breasts and nipples (on the larger side). Again, the latch was agonising but I went on with it. I called again when my OH ws allowed to visit (kept in for 2 days) and the midwife showed me how to feed laying down as no other positions were comfy and LO kept moving and wriggling. She latched on, fed good for a while but everytime after that I was in pain again as she just wiggles and constantly moves her head.

I continued to try when I was allowed home and it hurt everytime to the point I had blood blisters on both nipples so decided to express, but doing that all day and all night it was starting to affect me mentally. My partner suggested switching to formula as I was being too hard on myself so we have but I can't help get over the guilt feeling of not trying longer.

I feel so let down by the hospital and wish I could breastfeed but everytime I think about trying again I feel so scared as I couldn't stop crying when I realised I couldn't do it and we were switching to formula, I went days without sleep because of how awful I felt. I know it sounds silly but I'm scared I won't be able to bond as well with my LO and feel like I'm failing her as a mother. She's happy on formula, and feeds really well, I just can't help but feel like such a let down.

I'm OK most of the time but I get those periods (like now) where I feel so emotional and cry because I know formula is best for me as it takes the stress off and she feeds well on it but I still feel so guilty for not being able to BF for more than 4 days.

In the days after having. It's my babies I was an emotional mess. I think the guilt and crying etc is very normal. You've had a difficult birth so go easy on yourself (easier said than done).
Breast feeding isn't meant to hurt. Was baby checked for tongue tie?
There's various support groups if you do want to try again but if not formula has been fine for millions of babies. You'll be it's as close I'm sure. Big hugs

Gosh sorry for all the typos!

So sorry to hear what you've gone through. The guilt is strong and real at that stage and it's only natural you'll have strong emotions. It will be fine, I promise - we went through something very similar.

If breastfeeding isn't working, stop. Your baby girl needs her mum to be happy and comfortable more than she needs your breastmilk. Use formula, focus on providing everything else and celebrate the little wins - you've already nearly made it through your first week!

Sorry to hear you're struggling
It is painful. We went through similar. I tried constantly for the first month (along with formula very swiftly, as I just couldn't get my milk flow started at all.)

It took a toll on my mental health, especially as I was trying to recover from some nasty birth injuries as well. Eventually my mum took me by the shoulders, and told me I'd done my best, but it was time to stop trying. And she was right.

He flourished on formula. He was (and is) absolutely fine. And I know it's what everyone says, but you see him running around with other kids now, and no one knows who was breast or bottle fed. No one cares. I don't think I've even been asked now for about two years.

You are very soon post birth. Your hormones are messed up, you're not sleeping. You can't see it now, but it will get better. I would strongly consider talking to a counsellor, or doing a birth reflection session at your hospital regarding your birth experience, as your thoughts around breastfeeding may also be tied up with the trauma of your delivery. It gets better.

Do not feel guilty. Fed is best. There is literally nothing more to say on the matter. You are an amazing mom regardless of how you feed your baby.

Don't feel bad OP. Your little one will be just fine. xx

You are exactly right - you were badly let down in the hospital.
So any guilt is not yours to carry, it's theirs. They didn't teach you what you needed, when you needed it. They failed, you absolutely did not.

That said, the game doesn't have to be over if you don't want it to be, and it doesn't have to be all or nothing - lots of families mixed feed really successfully. Some breastfeeds and some formula feeds is totally valid, and we know that the benefits of breastfeeding start at really tiny amounts.

It is wonderful that we have a safe ,healthy alternative to breast milk, and your baby will love you just the same no matter how you feed, but it sounds like it matters to you, so it is important.
You probably haven't been discharged from the midwife yet, so if you want to, you can ask her to help you find support with latching your little one on if you want to try adding some feeds in.
Large breasts and nipples are not a big problem in most cases - a rugby ball position can be really useful, as can a "breast sandwich" if you feel like YouTubing.

I'm sorry you have had such a rough start, I can hear how much you love your little one, and are mothering her amazingly. Feeding choices should be just that - choices. You haven't been able to choose, you've had it thrust on you, and that's a hard thing to cope with. Be gentle with yourself.

I’m sorry you were so badly let down by the hospital.
Your baby will be absolutely fine on formula. But if you really really want to breastfeed it’s probably not too late to relactate however it does involve pumping etc and you need to assess whether that’s the best thing for your mental health right now. Breastfeeding can be painful to start with as your nipples adjust and baby learns how to feed efficiently. It can also be painful because there are other issues at play like tongue tie, poor positioning, baby can be stiff or sore in optimal feeding positions especially if you had an assisted delivery or they were oddly positioned in utero. There are so many factors that can really negatively impact on your breastfeeding experience and you really need good in person support to work out what is going on. If you do want to breastfeed your best bet is to pay to see a private IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant). Good luck.

If you want to give it another try you can ask to be referred to your local infant feeding team. But you're not at fault here - you should have been given so much more support

I had my baby in Jan and struggled to get feeding going for the first 10 days or so - also felt I was abandoned by hospital staff. I completely agree with others, I understand your guilty feelings when all mixed up with hormones and after hoping you’d be able to breastfeed but if it comes to it, formula is absolutely A OK and you shouldn’t feel in the least bad. However I would suggest you contact feeding team as I had really good support with home visits and did eventually get it going. I also called the NCT breastfeeding helpline which was great. One of the hardest things is feeling like there’s this ‘limited time window’ as it’s a huge pressure on yourself when you’ve just been through something so intense. I’d suggest you approach it thinking ‘I’m going to formula feed and that’s fine but out of interest is the breastfeeding a project I can get off the ground as well?’ Rather than I MUST get this going if that makes sense? Be kind to yourself. If you decide none of its worth the toll on your mental health then just stick with formula as it sounds like it’s working great! And If it’s something you want to pursue, don’t put too much pressure on yourself but get as much help as you can. La Leche League Facebook group locally also poss a good place to start? If you do end up continuing with formula feeding, you are one of literally millions of women doing that and it’s not a bad thing in the least. No one ever looks at an adult and goes ‘they were obviously formula fed as a baby!’ It all feels so new but this first part goes so quickly and they have their whole life ahead so whether it’s formula or breast milk the main thing is they are fed and loved!

I would do both. Trying to breast feed when there isn't much milk, baby won't latch is soooooo stressful it's no wonder people don't succeed. I would do both for a while. I struggled on with both for a month or so. A month of small breast feeds is better than no breast feeds - it takes the pressure off too. Your hormones are highest in the early hours so try to breast feed then and lots of cuddles.

Please, please don't feel guilty. Formula milk isn't the work of the devil and your little one will be just fine!
I tried to breast feed my first DC and it was so incredibly painful that I dreaded feeding him. A lovely young midwife found me in tears and suggested I formula feed him and oh my word, the relief at feeding time was incredible.
I also felt incredibly guilty because there was so much pressure that 'breast is best' (this was twenty odd years ago) but as my baby thrived, that soon disappeared.
I didn't even attempt breast feeding with my DD and I didn't feel any guilt whatsoever. Fed is best with a happy mum.
Please do what works for you and it sounds like your baby is perfectly contented. Job done.

Sorry to hear about your birth experience, make sure you talk it through as much and often as you need. Also the maternity team have failed you with BF support so it's perfectly acceptable to be really sad about this.

Right now in your parenting journey the feeding choices you make (or that are made for you) feel like the biggest most important thing in the world but in the coming weeks and months it'll feel smaller and smaller until you accept it as the best thing for your family in your particular circumstances.

Congratulations on your baby!

There's so much messaging around breastfeeding but support is woeful across many parts of the country. Both of mine have been FF in part due to lack of support from the hospital and midwives so I completely understand the feeling of being let down. There's still time to get support if you want to and PP have made good suggestions.

Sorry you had such a rough time early on.

I think guilt is a feature of motherhood regardless of how you feed your baby. My midwives told me to formula feed even though so wanted to breastfeed — the advice changes but the most important thing is to listen to your body and listen to your baby. It sounds like you are both doing well well on formula feeding. Try not to give too much attention to these feelings of inadequacy — you are doing a great job despite having really been through the mangle. Your daughter needs food & loving care, and you are giving her both.

Don't feel bad. Formula is adequate, no baby failed to develop because it wasn't breastfed. 'breast is best' is a con guilt tripping gullible mothers. Just because something rhymes, doesn't mean it's true. The upside of formula is that the father doesn't get to sleep as if he didn't have a baby and he can do every other night feeding your mental health will improve immensely when you start getting proper rest at night.