Running to mummy

[petereyre]

I'm a dad, and whenever I spend time with my 2 yr old son, as soon as he hears his Mummy he will run to her. When she enters a room, he will stop whatever activity he is doing with me and runs to her.

When he runs to her she will hug and talk/play with him and sometimes I feel sad that she is rewarding/encouraging this behaviour.

The opposite is not true, if I enter the room he will often ignore me.

I don't want to stop him doing this, but it does make me feel sad because it makes me feel pretty useless. I've tried to explain this to my wife but she does not think its a big deal at all, but I think if she was in my position then I'd want to help her. Should I just get over it and try to not feel sad about this?

Babies/toddlers are very much all for their mums.
Doesn’t mean anything is less towards the dads.
I think you just want to feel abit wanted by him is that right?
When you enter the room do something you know makes him laugh, do something daft so he acknowledges your there.
Otherwise give it time and at some point it’ll be you who he smothers😊

Sorry to hear it’s making you feel sad. The only thing I would say is not to perceive his behaviour as something wrong, I think he’s showing love to his mum which I think is nice to cherish. Even with my baby boy, as his mum, I still cannot get the same giggles and smiles as his dad gets but I just think you have different roles and personalities and it isn’t a competition. I wouldn’t worry though, the relationship between a mum and son and a dad and son are completely different and I think you will get to enjoy so many elements of bonding that the woman doesn’t. If it helps, apparently I used to cry as a child if my dad tried to hold me or play with me and now we are really close. Kids change and you and his mum are a team so embrace the love he gives to either of you

My 2 1/2 year old DD does this too - seems to be as she's establishing different roles for each parent. She even wakes us up differently when one of us has a lie in - daddy gets 'WAKE UP DADDY' and a giggle then demands to watch Duggee, while mummy gets a much gentler experience and a cuddle. Equally if she falls and hurts herself and we're both there, it's always 'mummy cuddle'.

Hardly an expert as only a few months ahead of you, but she still seems to enjoy both our company and comes to us for different things so cherish what you are strongest at. DD finds daddy hilarious to play with and mummy is great at making her feel better, so that's what we go with.

I would say try not to worry and there isn't much you can do. My dc3 has gone back and forth through phases. Some weeks /months all he cares about is new and other times his dad. Nothing much we can do, except roll with it

My 3 Ds did that at one point or another but they also went through a 'daddy' stage too. Try not to take it personally and just recognise it as a stage. Having children is just one long stream of phases - some harder than others!!!!

Are you playing with him at his level or teaching him or reading to him. I can barely remember what 2 yr olds like but ? Making a house for fluffy bunny toy out of the cushions, lining up cars to make a garage/ racing track/ car park?

My eldest went through clear phases of preferring each parent. My second born went through phases of preferring mummy or dc1. He liked daddy but daddy served a different purpose to him. You just have to enjoy or endure each phase as best you can.

This is very developmentally normal - they had a 9 month head start on building their relationship than you to did. Did she take maternity leave, offer the most care etc? Not always the case but typically. So I understand it must feel hard for you but it is all typical attachment behaviour and doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong. In fact if you can tolerate and support your son in what he feels, this will help him separate from mum a bit as he ages. Suggesting that your partner not ‘reward’ the behaviour is not a good idea. You want a wee boy who is able to express his emotional needs and get them met - discouraging this would tell him that there is something wrong with what he feels.

All that said, I know we mums don’t often experience as much of that rejection and it must be hard. I wince when my 2yr old tells me in front of DH ‘you’re my favourite’ and cries when it’s daddy bedtime. On the other hand, I don’t think DH appreciates the pressure I feel at times to be needed every 10 seconds. My advice is just communicate with your partner about how you feel, allow your boy to be how he is, be available to him, be the adult and don’t reject him back, and over time the mummy thing will likely lessen.

Kids will often have a parent who is BEST PARENT EVER at that age, and it will switch back and forth, or it will be just that parent for a long time.

It's hard for both parents but you seem to be expecting the kid's mother not to react positively when her child comes to her for a hug - and you're thinking of it as bad behaviour. Rather than a kid expressing affection in different ways with different parents, and the parents interacting with that.

What do you want your wife to do? Not reciprocate the toddler's affection?

It’s totally normal for a very young child to react this way to their primary carer. Maybe read up a bit about attachment. Your DP is not rewarding this behaviour but responding appropriately to your son’s emotion needs. As he gets older it will change.

@Thatwentbadly

It’s totally normal for a very young child to react this way to their primary carer. Maybe read up a bit about attachment. Your DP is not rewarding this behaviour but responding appropriately to your son’s emotion needs. As he gets older it will change.

Yes it's completely normal and your partner shouldn't be expected to not give her child some affection because it's upsetting you. Work harder at forming an attatchwith your child. I'm sure eventually he will be all for dad. They switch between favourites all the time.

It’s interesting to read your post OP as my husband would probably say exactly the same thing.

My children are 7 and coming up 4 and they respond/react to me in the same way your children do to their mother. I often worry that my DH gets upset by it but he reassures me he doesn’t and says it’s just a way of life that most young children show a preference for their mothers.

As another poster has said though, don’t see your partner’s reaction as being “rewarding behaviour” - she’s just responding to her children and reciprocating their happiness with her own.

Would you seriously want her to ignore her own children, or have them feel ignored, so as to make you feel better?

Just keep on parenting as you are. You are absolutely not useless, if you were you wouldn’t even be playing with your child in the first place.

Try not to let it bother you, children can be fickle things but it’s no reflection on you as a parent.

Thanks for all the comments - I really appreciate all the thoughts and advice.

I was not suggesting my wife ignore my son, but perhaps help to finish the activity I was doing with him together, whether it's reading a book, doing a puzzle etc which are often left half finished the moment she arrives.

I perhaps feel the only true time I get to bond with him is when we're alone since when Mummy is around he wants to play mostly with her so I don't get much of an opportunity to strengthen that bond as we're both at home all the time.

He’s only little op, and I’m assuming mums his primary caregiver. All my children were all about me at that age, now I don’t get a look in compared to their father. We’ve had the 3 of them crying on the bus because they all wanted to sit next to him 🙄 I enjoyed the break at first but it’s a little depressing now that all of them consider their father their favourite.
Your sons at an age where he can start doing things like toddler football lessons etc, can you think of a club you can join for just the two of you? You have something just for yourselves then away from your wife and the house

Why don’t you arrange a daddy and son day!?
Local park or zoo or something.
Make it a big thing, picnic for dinner etc!
I think you’ll both benefit from time together on your own.

Try not to take it personally. It would be a bad thing if your wife tried to discourage him or ignored him.

Right now my baby gets ridiculously excited every time he sees his daddy. I'm just a background fact of life, but the arrival of his father is an amazing thing. I'm not upset by this and I wouldn't discourage it. He's 9 months old and feels secure that I am always there. It's lovely he's excited to see my husband every single time.

I did get a bit irritated at my husband when he'd complain that the baby was always checking to see that I was there/my reaction to everything when he was a bit younger. It wasn't a rejection of him; it's just a thing little babies do. I'll be equally annoyed with him if he complains about any future mummy focused phases.

I think in the sort of scenario you mention once there’s been the running/hug I would join in your son’s excitement - ‘hey, mummy’s here! Brilliant, she can help us finish our jigsaw!’

What would she do if you asked like that?

@petereyre

Thanks for all the comments - I really appreciate all the thoughts and advice.

I was not suggesting my wife ignore my son, but perhaps help to finish the activity I was doing with him together, whether it's reading a book, doing a puzzle etc which are often left half finished the moment she arrives.

I perhaps feel the only true time I get to bond with him is when we're alone since when Mummy is around he wants to play mostly with her so I don't get much of an opportunity to strengthen that bond as we're both at home all the time.

Then spend time with your son outside the house, go to the park, go swimming or finding something else for just the two of you to do.

It's normal, but doesn't feel very nice. My DS does this to my mother, (Nanna) and it makes me feel a bit crap too.