Shy, quiet and low self esteem.. to participate or not?

[Mumincloud]

I have a 7yr old dd who is shy and quiet. Also she has some self esteem issue so often wondering if she is good enuf. Not always thou. Few things she does stand up are protecting her plants and birds and ants in garden. Stands up for her elder brother and her friends and her fashion sense.

My elder one is also quiet but when he needs to he can play a protogonist in a play or make his point clear and dosnt not need much validation. I can see how my daughter is different from him.

Now the question:
She had a poetry competition in her school where they recite poems and ither kids vote the participants and it continues until winner is chosen.

My dd wanted to recite her own poem ( some 14 lines she wrote in lockdown).. we practised and she did. She cane home saying she wasnt selected into semis and she dosnt think anyone voted for her at all ( you see how she thinks?).. so I told her that as far as I am concerned she tried and that she can be happy about it.

I told her that she might have told the poem in a low voice ( she does it and she tried but its not easy for her, dosnt come naturally). She agreed that she did say it quietly. She asks me 'why dont I win anything?' and 'do you think any of them voted me at all?'

I have told her that we shall try again next year with a louder voice and a cheerful voice. I also told her that she should try making more friends because its more fun to have lots of people to play and that she wont feel shy amongst them next time. She is ok on that.

What I want to know is... Am I helping her in getting her into competitions or ruining her esteem even more?

She is good in origami, drawing and she is also ok in acedamics ( not super bright but she is well). But most of the competitions are mainly kids performing in front of others and she struggles with that. Its usually the same kids who get into semis and win. They are very articulate and loud and dosnt fear a crowd infront of them. I can see why it happens :).
I also made her sign up in magazine drawings (3times) and we didnt win any. I am not stressing on winning, I only want her to get into the habit of trying and learning from it. I will be happy if she wins but I am not aiming for it particularly.

Should I get her into these competitions or not?.. is making her participate without winning ruining her already low esteem?
Please help.

Really??

Just leave her be.

I think she did amazingly to write a poem and perform it. Working on this skill is great for later in life - I would big her up for facing her fear, ask how she found doing it, etc. This is brilliant because for the next challenge, she can draw on the fact that she has done it before.

I think trying things is great and the enjoyment of doing the picture, writing the poem is what matters. I would celebrate what she produces at home - put them up or in a special folder to encourage her to be proud of her creations whether they win or not. I think you sound lovely in encouraging her to invite people round too.

if she wants to enter the competition, let her. If she doesn't, then don't push her.

Is there anything like a drama club that she could do out of school to get more confident in speaking to an audience? Or a group like brownies that has a range of activities?

but there is nothing wrong with being shy & quiet.

I can completely understand where you have been coming from wouldn’t push her into competitions just now if she’s badly knocked by not succeeding in them. You were absolutely right that she achieved a lot just by taking part in the poetry one but she’s not seeing it, and to be honest i’m not sure that even winning something right now would be the right kind of validation if she thought that that’s all that mattered.

Perhaps channel her instead into something that’s more about participation, doing her best, personal achievements, or personal non-competitive goals.

Maybe an art club where she can create things she is proud of. Learning an instrument, where she can get better and better. Brownies where she could earn badges for doing her own best, no matter what anyone else is doing.

Basically anything where it’s not about comparing herself to others.

Hi all,
Thankyou so much for all the advice.
I have joined her in piano, she is not a big fan but wanted to try because her brother knows it.. now although she is not a fan of daily practice, she is happy she knows how to play simple stuff.

Brownies is a great idea!.. but we have been in the wiating list forever. However, I will find out if there are any similar clubs.

I will take the advice of joining her in a drama class. For now, I will probably give her a break from the competitions then and focus on other stuff.
Thanks again :)

It sounds like the teacher is not providing opportunities for quieter children to shine. I don't know if she/he is approachable or not, but it might be worth having a diplomatic word with them on this topic at some point. That your DD wrote her own poem and presented it is impressive and I would like to think that this at least would be acknowledged by a thoughtful teacher.

Keep encouraging your DD to create. Encourage her to concentrate on the innate joy of the process rather than the thought of prizes or recognition. Maybe give her a scrapbook in which she could paste poems and accompanying artwork.

If the children are choosing the winners in the school competition, it's probably more of a popularity contest - which often means more extrovert children end up winning.

To be honest, being loud and articulate doesn't impress me as much as being willing, as your DD is, to take care of family, friends, animals and plants!

I wouldn't push her to perform or compete at this age. There is plenty of time to develop outward confidence, once she is secure in herself.

Being pushed into facing a classroom competition is not a great idea if she is sensitive as often these things are a popularity poll, and if she has a quiet voice and seems intimidated she will not succeed, she could carry the bad memories of feeling frightened forwards to other social or public occasions and it could make her withdraw even more.

As for drawing competitions in magazines, often the standard is extremely high. You are better off setting her challenges and praising how much effort she put in and her progress, rather than raising her Hopes of winning a prize.

I actually think music is a good idea, as it is a way of expressing yourself through the medium of an instrument, so it's not "you" performing, it is the piano.

I also think any team or social sport might be good for her - maybe football or basketball or cheerleading or climbing. Where she can succeed or fail as part of a group. That will build her confidence around people and she has a defined role in a team.

Hmmm, I have asked myself very similar questions about when to encourage a child to go forward and push against their comfort zone so they can see their limits are further away than they thought... Or to let them be where they are happy grounded and secure so they don't end up full of bad feelings from 'failure'.
I haven't really got an answer, because for every thread on this topic I've seen there are replies from people saying their parents pushed them on into things they didn't know they could do and it was terrifying but great in the end and without it they'd still be back where they started. But an equal number from posters saying it was as though their parents didn't know them at all, all it did was created focus on the things that they were lacking in and crippled them for life with feelings of inadequacy.
So I don't think there's an answer. Every upbringing is parenting (from the unique individual doing it) meeting the nature of the child... The alchemy is different every time and can be gold or unhappiness, or more often a blend of both.
I think the entering the competition's is a red herring, the experience isn't inherently bad if the thing that lingers in the mind is uplifting. So personally I would drop the post-match analysis of all the possible reasons why she might have done better but didn't and could do differently next time.
I don't think that will teach her what you are wanting it to. (You sound like such a caring mum) also brushing off her savvy observation that it's a popularity contest as much as a poetry competition isn't helpful as she is wise so no need to doubt her judgement. Instead, I would show her your pride in her writing it in the first place, that she used courage to enter and go through with it... and isn't it more brave to do something you fear than something you don't! Compliment her language and skill in the poem, tell her you would have voted for her because (not because you are her mum but because xyz was superb - no bullshit here cos that is detectable from a mile and kills a compliment.
Help her see that her competition was a triumph of courage and willingness to take a chance in the face of likely not winning. That she stood up there and made her work available for scrutiny and how amazing she is for standing by her work like that - what inner strength she must have. Tell her you have noticed she does similar things out of pride when it comes to her siblings instead. That her ability to judge her work as worthy and allow others to see that, will stand her in good stead her whole life.
The technical delivery is not the key thing, she sounds bright, so in time she will see that there is a pattern to a good delivery (clear voice etc) and likely, if this isn't the last time she is putting herself out there, she will see that she needs to add that element.... but actually if she is going to give herself another chance and therefore the time to begin to see that with her own eyes, she needs to come away with a sense of what her successes in that process were, so as to not shrivel a little inside, but to think, yeah I was pretty awesome actually.

@OutwiththeOutCrowd :).. Thankyou...

Yes I see what you all mean. I need to back down a bit on these competition with others until she wins it with herself.

She said she voted for a poem where the caterpillar had no chance winning a beauty cobtest but it kept on enjoying what it was doing and now its a butterfly that everyone thinks its beautiful :). This poem also didnt win apparently coz again, the kid who told it was low and shy; however ahe thought its a brilliant poem and so do I!

I will focuss on what she can do ( she isnt a genius all-in-one but she has many special qualities that deserve a praise:) )