10.5 yr old doesnt do a thing i ask him to. but then does it when dh asks him to. its driving me mad.....

[pukkapatch]

he just sort of ignores me. changes the subject, and half an hour later, he still hasnt had his shower yet. or made his bed. or put his plate in the dishwasher. or done his homework. or put his shoes away. ad infinitum.
also, i think at this age he should be doing some sort of housework. but the lazy sod doesnt do a thing. getting him to throw his quilt back on his bed in the morning is enough of a nightmare, that i dont bother asking him to do anything else. he knows how to wash dishes, (cub scouts) and iron,(cub scouts again) and make sandwiches etc. but the lazy sod wont do anything. especially not clean up the pigsty he leaves in the kithcen after making his melted cheese sandwich in the toaster thing.
dh comes home and tells him to do his homework, and he trots off.
anyone else have these problems or similar?

how about paying him?
tis the only way it works for me.

and nagging

My DD(4) is exactly the sane already!
DP says to try and use a more assertive tone of voice, don't shout etc.
Have u tried NOT saying anything:
if he doesn't shower he'll smell & everyone else will tell him to shower
if he doesn't do his homework he will get in trouble at school
Kitchen no idea, sorry.
Hope this helps, did read it in a book somewhere i think?

remove privledges? "You will do what I ask (or at least answer me and we can discuss why/why not) or you will not be allowed to have X" And then follow through, calmly, without debate. Remove pocket money perhaps?

yes, i've noted teh not shouting thing. when in total exasperation, i have just given up, he has actually gone and done whatever it was, because he was worried about why i wasnt shouting.
i dont want to pay him, as i feel he should be doing stuff around the house because he is a family memeber, not because it is a favour to anyone iyswim.
and the kitchen thing is more that i want him to be self sufficent, and not one of these men who cant do a bloody thng because their mothers did it all for them. (i know, i married one of those mummies boys...

yes, i shall try the leave him to it thing with the showering, but i will need to be strong.

''How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' is a good book to read. Search for it on Amazon. HTH

Ah, pukka, pukka, I fear it's all too late for ds.

Men and boys are programmed at birth not to listen to women. So we must dispense with our voices and perfect the look. The look is a cross between The Terminator and Miss Jean Brodie and/or Ann Widdecombe.

It must be delivered at the speed of light, and be capable of making leaves fall of trees in high summer.

Christmas is just around the corner. This is a good time to make coherent threats ... and to perfect the look.

Good luck, my friend.

tv is the only priviledg removal that actually works. but i don have to limit it, otherwise just never ever works.

but
when he isnt allowed to watch tv, i've noticed he finds simpsons episodes on y outube, and watches those instead....... i dont know wehetehr eto be annoyed or pleased at his resourcefulness.

lol desi
yes, i have sadly missed out on that training.

th e only male memeber in my family growing up was poor ole dad. a wife and four daughters meant he just stayed out of our way.

I like shannaratiger's natural consequences.

Has he got a good appetite? How about you not being able to cook dinner in an untidy kitchen?

Agree with you pukkapatch not paying for help around the house. I think it is ok for one of things (I used to get extra pocket money for washing the car) but not for clearing up your own mess or everyday chores.

I don't have any advice for you pukka but will be watching this with interest as my dd (10) is exactly the same!

Maybe it's a 'phase' they go through and they'll grow out of it by the time they're 11/12?

Sooooo glad I'm not the only mum feeling like this. My ds is also 10.5 and I feel like I am constantly on his back He is, in general, a good boy, but he won't do any tidying up after himself let alone help me in any way unless I nag him to death, by which point I feel so guilty and terrible that i just do it myself anyway. He seems to exist in his own little world most of the time - the number of times he has lost his coat/ school jumper and school bag because he just dropped it somewhere is ridiculous. I have tried paying him, rewarding him, praising him, but nothing works in the long term. Like i say, he is generally a great kid with excellent school reports re behaviour etc so i just feel that I have to be grateful for that and make sure he knows that I am proud of him. I saw another mum of a boy in his class getting frustrated coz he had lost his coat again, so i guess it is not that uncommon for boys of this age to be like this.

Your poor, poor dad

Now I understand why you've never perfected the look!

He'll be fine. The first forty years are the worst

lol, my kids love washing the car.
they would do it morning noon and night in the summer, if i let them. they dont seem to understand why i take it to be cleaned in the winter (er because it's effing freezing the way they wash!)
natural consequences are fine for things like showereing, but he has entrance exam in two weeks, three weeks and just after christmas. so he needs to do practice timed tests. to get into a school, other than the local comp, which isnt as good as the grammar's or the not so local comp where i want him to go, he has to pass the test. if we lived a quarter of a mile closer tothe comprehensive school i wouldnt be so bothered, but we dont, and we wont be moving. so i cant let him suffer natural consequences for the test iyswim.

fair enough re the schoolwork

my kids love helping to wash the car as well but they are too young to do it on their own.

lol desi. i'm trying to have a serious discussion here, and you keep making me burst into laughter!

gwinnie, dont get me started on school jumpers. i think we get through three a term, or is it a half term? i thought i was the only ione keeping the manufacturers in business. ds2, aged six, has already lost his winter coat. it was labelled with sew on nametape, not handwritten in biro. if someone tells me it has been abducted by aliens, then i wil lbeleive them, because it is as sane an explanation as any other i have bee n offered by ds.

agree completly about being a good kid otherwise. ds1 is a very good child otherwise, and i feel really blessed when i sit an dthnk about tit. but, and this is what has me scared, is that ten is supposed to be the lull. the easy time, before puberty hits, and hormones and girls and spots. .......

Trouble is with the natural consequences thing is that in some cases the kids don't care about the consequences. Eg It doesn't bother your DS if his plate isn't put in the dishwasher and you can't practically leave the situation until there are no clean plates in the house. It's not fair on the others.

My DS is not yet 5 so this is probably no use but when he doesn't do something like put away his shoes, I leave them in the middle of the hall until the next time he asks me for help then tell him I'll help him once he has put away his shoes. Of course it is easier to bear because he is less independent than your DS and is bound to require my help with something within the hour.

On the bright side you won't have to nag about showers once he's interested in girls.

lol other. yes there is that to look forward to.
ds was a complete angel when he was three. he put his clothes in the laundry bin. made hsi bed. tidied his toys away. ate with a knife and fork. said please and thank you. .... maybe i'm looking at things through rose tinted lenses?