Stay at home or go to work?

[5upermum]

Hello, just wanted to hear others experiences!

I have an offer to start working full time in a few months, which involves full time training alongside the job (it’s in education). I’ve been at home with my 15 month old since she was born, and I’m feeling very anxious about starting work (we are very close & she’s also not a very good sleeper!).

My partner has said I don’t have to return to work if I don’t want to as he earns enough to support us, but I feel like others will think I’m “wasting my potential” by not going to work. I know I want another baby in the next few years and I’m not sure if I’d want to work with two LO’s at home.

What would you do? I love being at home with LO, but part of me does think it would be nice to work (although I’m worried about the exhaustion of full time!). My partner works very long weeks so I’m entirely responsible for LO from Monday to Friday, and I worry I won’t cope with all that plus a full time job. Any words of wisdom/personal experiences welcome, and no disrespect intended to working or SAHM - I have immense respect for all mammas, we rock!!!xxx

Well, first off what matters is what you want - not your DP or people you know.

But... taking years out of your career isn’t a good idea, as it can make it very hard to get back in, so better to go back for 2 years now, even if you then take a couple years break, rather than have a long 7+ year break.
This is especially important for you as you aren’t married and are more vulnerable financially should your P leave.

Going FT could be quiet a jump, but if there is no way to do it PT you will need to be clear with P he will have to step in. A lot of men prefer wives at home because it’s less hassle for them - so you will have to point out to him this is about what is best for you and your daughter and he has to step up. Also, buy in some help - and good to start her PT in nursery in advance.

I went back to FT work at ~10 to 11weeks old for my 4 DCs. So, of course I would, if I were you, go back to work. I think if you do go back to FT work, you absolutely cannot still be responsible for child care Monday through Friday! Your DH will just have to adjust his hours so he can take on equal responsibility.

But what I would do doesn’t matter. This is your life, not mine. Do what feels right for you. I have a sister with only 2 DCs and she’s been a SAHM for the past 12yrs and doesn’t intend to go back to work ever. She is quite happy and her DH has one of those huge life insurance policies on him such that if he ever had a fatal accident or heart attack, she’d get millions and not be left having to work.

I found going back to work was important for me; it gave me a bit of me back and I enjoy being able to focus on work and think about something beyond being a mum.
I did 4 days from when my DD was 11 months to 19 months then I started full time. I found part time manageable but full time very hard going; I really misssed my DD, I was exhausted and I had no time. The time i did have with my DD in the evenings before she went to bed and weekends I wanted to focus on her so I’d have to do a lot of other stuff once she was in bed and had very little time to myself. I became pregnant after about 7 months and knowing there was an end point to work was the only way I got through it and I knew I wouldn’t be going back full time with 2 DC.
I’ve read posts on here about mums who cope perfectly well but for me it was very hard.

Go back to work if that’s what you want
Maybe give it a go
I went back and never regretted it

It doesn't have to be all or nothing? Why not go part time somewhere? I do three days a week with a 3yo and 2yo and it's perfect for us. They're so tired after their 3 days in nursery 8am to 6pm

As you are unmarried you are in a vulnerable position. Also you can read the whole you don't have to work as I have got used to you doing all the housework/shopping and I am not spending my weekends doing that, unless he already does.

What is the situation with your house? Own? Rent? Because that needs to be thought about. He could literally come to the end of a tenancy and you would be stuffed if he told you he was leaving at that point and you have no income and a child to support. I have been on MN for 15 years, I have read a lot and that actually happened to a poor woman on here.

Plus any time off needed for any sickness would be covered by you as he works away. Just needs to be thought about.

I went back ft when both dcs were 10 months old.

One in high school, one in primary. I needed to work ft as I'm main earner. But I work from home ft and DH is very flexible so we shared drops offs etc.

Kids thrived at nursery and have had no issues at school.

Could you do it ft abc negotiate pt once established? DH will need to step up too. How flexible are your new employers eg nursery drop offs, sick child days etc?

In your place, I would go back to work. Would you be able to afford a nanny to look after your daughter in your home? That would be the ideal scenario.

I'd go back to work. It's always better to retain your financial independence in my view.

I absolutely wouldn't train ti be a teacher if that's what it is...

I think full time work AND training is a massive leap after an extended maternity leave, that would worry me.
I went back when DD was 10 months mainly because I know I will want a bit of a career break when DC2 arrives and will wait for something suitable part time to come up til they are both at school (I work in education so term time only plus a few extra days).
Going back to work was great for me and has allowed me to save up some money to supplement my maternity leave and however long it takes me to find a new role that works BUT I'd be really wary of going from one extreme to the other in terms of work. Can you start the job and defer the training aspect for a bit?

Do whatever you want to do, but have you found out what your options even are for childcare? If you'd be looking at formal childcare and there's none available, that would limit what you end up doing anyway, perhaps explore that first, that'll help you decide.

There's no reason that returning to work would mean you're not close to your child anymore - but as mentioned above, is there an in between? A different job? Or this one, but with a time limit?

15 months is a lovely long stretch of time to be solely home with your little one and I can understand the anxiety of that changing. However she might well be ready to benefit, learn and develop in a different way from other company too.

I personally would work. I'd go mad being at home with a toddler all week with a partner who works long hours. I found going back to work each time to be so refreshing and it made parenting so much easier. I definitely didn't find it harder. The key though is having an engaged partner who carries their weight. It doesn't matter if they work lots (dh and I both work lots), but when they're home, they need to be sorting things out and not sitting on their bum saying they're tired.

If you want another baby in a few years, sounds like a great time to progress in your career and built up more maternity pay. I made a lot of progress between baby 1 and 2 (5 year gap). I went back after baby 2 earning nearly double my salary from after baby 1. It was very worth putting in those years. And it meant I wasn't bored out of my mind being home all day every day.

I would have to go back to work, although we're not in the same position, We both need to work full time as none of us are exceptionally big earners we could get by one wage but would have to have cut backs. But I need to have my own money I couldn't really rely on DP to always fund me, although we don't have childcare to worry about we have 2 doting grandmas one who doesn't work and one works part time ready to mind the babies when I go back, if we didn't have that that would be a factor but I would still have to go back to work and split the childcare cost! It all really depends on you OP if your happy to be a stay at home mum or a working mum there's no right or wrong but if you do decide to go back to work make sure all costs and housework and childminding is split after all it took 2 to make the baby

Thanks for all the posts. I've had a think and I definitely think it's better to work and do something for myself! Letting anxiety rule my brain isn't the way to go. However, I think FT job & training would be a huge leap for me & LO and is probably not the right time with her so little. I also don't think I want to job enough to sacrifice my mental health and quality family time.

I've started looking for part time roles & full time, but with greater flexibility and less commuting. Fingers crossed!

Probably a wise decision to go part time if childcare is mostly down to you rather than full time. It's nice to be in a financial position where you can choose, if you find you don't like it after going back you can go back to being a sahm.

My husband is military so away a lot. I went back to work when our 1st was 6mth old (couldn't afford not to work then) and worked 3 day weeks. I was made redundant 3 times in the following few years, the 3rd time I was pregnant with our 2nd. Was pregnant with 3rd by the time my MA ended so we decided financially it was better for me to become a sahm as childcare was more than I could earn and dh has a good income.I did miss working in the early days, I know people always rabbit on about having financial independence and not knowing what the future of a relationship holds. We've had rocky patches in our relationship but we've worked through them. I've been a sahm for 11 years now, pregnant with our 6th child and perfectly happy with our life. What I have that is just for me is the gym, I lift and that makes me happy (dh does it too). If anything happened to dh we have ensured that as a family we will be provided for financially.

It depends what you want, OP. I couldn't be a SAHM, I'd be bored out of my tiny mind, but for many people it's the best thing they've ever done.

Only you can answer this question for yourself and your family.