Potential parenting with long term mental health disorder

[Tom66]

Hi all,
First post, go easy! Posting here as the Dadsnet bit seems dead haha.

I am 33 year old man who has had depression/anxiety disorders all my life, and have had two long term relationships end (8 years and 2 years), catalyzed by severe and chronic insomnia which makes my life hell at times. Recent breakup in January. Both ex-partners wanted kids eventually, and painfully, I just couldn't bring myself to commit to that, given my mental health issues (before anyone asks I have sought many treatments and medication which are always ongoing, and exhausting).
Both were/are amazing women that left due to their desire to have children, which is understandable.
There was also an element of of me 'pushing them away' at times due to the guilt surrounding my self-perceived unsuitability to be a parent.

It pains me greatly because I would otherwise consider myself to be a great potential Dad. I am conscientious, caring, intelligent with many interests and knowledge to pass on, but the thought of a) passing on potential mental disorder genes, and b) dealing with a child/children along with my often severe mental health issues and lack of sleep is genuinely terrifying and i often convince myself I am certainly totally unfit to be a parent, and should forget the idea as it would just be too hard, and ultimately a detriment to any child's upbringing.

There is SO much info/guidance on this from a maternal point of view, but next to none with a male perspective.

The reason for my timing while asking this is that my most recent partner (31) and I are still in touch, and when she left, it wasn't the most 'final' of breakups. Part of her reason for leaving was with a quiet optimism that I would 'get better' and 'decide' that I want children with her. I'd love to make her happy in this way but I also don't want to let love blind me into making false commitments should it arise.
We were two peas in a pod, otherwise :(
I'm sure we will meet again fairly soon and i'm sure this topic will surface if we do.

Friends and her family have said in the past that I would make a great father one day, meanwhile my own parents think it would be a bad idea.

Female as well as male opinions or experience on similar issues would be nice to read.

Thanks :)

I’ve had them all my life including horrific insomnia.

I have 2 lovely children. One has no issues at all. One has a bit of anxiety. Neither have had the traumatic childhood l had.

I think they will be OK. Well one is 27 and he’s definitely OK.

Medications change and move on. I’d have that magnetic brain stimulation if l could afford it. But it will be on the NHS in the future. As will ketamine infusions. These are already available in some areas.

I have schizophrenia and have 4 DCs. Yes there is a genetic element to mental disorders but so what? It’s the same with most things that can go wrong with you: cancer, heart disease, alcoholism, learning disabilities, personality disorders. I don’t think anyone is born with perfect genes. We all have a glitch that is ours to deal with and yes we will be dealing with it & raising children at the same time. Can’t expect it to stay in remission or not effect you in next 18yrs from birth of youngest child....

I do not think the mere existence of your mental health condition is reason to think you should not have children. Obviously, you have to make it a priority and keep on top of managing it when you have children. That is a commitment you have to make. Also if you know you will have relapses and end up inpatient at times....plan for it. Have a plan for who will take care of children while you are unwell? How will you inform children as they grow about any absences and your medical condition in age appropriate ways? All this can be overcome.

However, you may deep down just not want kids and are using your mental condition as an escape clause. You need to do the internal soul searching and decide do you actually want children?

I re-read your post and these two statements struck me as linked.

the guilt surrounding my self-perceived unsuitability to be a parent.

Friends and her family have said in the past that I would make a great father one day, meanwhile my own parents think it would be a bad idea.

It seems to me that your parents are actually the source of your perception that you are unsuitable for parenthood. Not you. It’s not self-perceived, it’s a reflection of their (ableist) opinion. Why do they think you being a father “is a bad idea”?

I have 4dc and have suffered from anxiety/ depression since 18.
DS15 asked me recently if depression was genetic, his reasoning being that a lot of his friends were depressed and he was the only one who wasn’t... he wondered if he’d got that from me! Clearly he hadn’t, but my point is I’ve shielded my dc from it so much they were unaware I suffered (which helped push me to carry on when pre dc I would’ve believed I was unable to). I’ve also honed coping strategies over the years which they’ve learnt. They’ve all proven far more resilient than their peers over lockdown.
If you want kids and are willing to put in more effort wrt managing your depression for their sake than you have thus far for your own sake then I see no reason not to have them.

Thanks for the helpful opinions! As someone mentioned, anxiety disorder can take away all confidence in personal decision-making. Working out if i actually want to be a parent one day vs years of conditioning myself to believe i dont/aren't fit is very hard.