Children won't eat their dinner

[Sleepdeprivedmumma]

Hi all - I'm after some advice. I have two children aged 3 and 4. Generally they are not fussy eaters but recently they have been refusing to eat most of their dinner. It's never anything too exotic but does stray away from their favorite beige dinners such as fish fingers and chips, pasta, omelette etc.

Tonight at dinner they both refused to eat. I made them try each item as they both said they didn't like it immediately on sight. After trying they both said they didn't like it. I offered to make them something else but my husband said we should not as if they were hungry they would eat it. I argued that they hadn't eaten anything other than a breadstick since their lunch at 12.00 and didn't want them to go to bed hungry. I made them some toast and now he is pissed off at me for undermining him infront of the kids and letting them get their own way.

I know me and my husband need to put on a united front but its hard when we don't agree on which tactic to take. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation? I don't want them to turn into fussy eaters but also don't want them to go hungry.

Thanks.

Its really worth persevering. I have a 4 and 5 yr old. I've made a huge effort this past year, as they were doing the same thing.

What I have done,is always give something they do like on the plate. Build up to different things - curry and rice, firstly they had grilled chicken and rice with some veg that they like (green beans) on the side. They had this a few times. Then I added a couple if buts of chicken from the curry and went from there. Same with other recipes. Make it milder, give pasta (failsafe) or chips with whatever it is they might not like. As long as its not something too odd tasting, they kniw theyre expected to eat it. A couple of things they've said they really dobt like, which is ok.

Start with a small portion, so they're not overrated.

Last, and some won't agree with this, they have something "nice" after.

In this situation, unless they are unwell, I agree with your husband. There is one family meal with a variety of things (protein, carb, veg, etc.) and that's what's for dinner. In our house, you can have more of anything that's for dinner, but no special dinners. On rare occasions, I might make a different option - if we're having spicy curry, there is a milder curry option, still with rice, veg and naan. Or if dh and I have are having a special date night or something. But I think - unless they're poorly or have special needs - the way to go is one meal, they eat it or they don't. Mine usually do (they are 8 & 3), though some times they will refuse to eat something, but there isn't an alternative. That's worked well for us.

I treated my two kids as I was treated as a child, i.e. "if you don't eat what's on your plate, you don't eat". Surprise surprise they're both strapping boys who love their grub. Don't make a rod for yourself.

I can see both sides tbh. I think you need to discuss a resolution with your dh that your both happy with because neither of you is wrong.

I want to live on beige food and white wine but I know I’ll feel crap after a week. Their at that age where they won’t feel crap.

Ooh this is tricky as I agree with your partner but I also think the alternative you offered was a good one in that it was just something plain/unexciting. My daughter is only two and if she doesn't eat her food the alternative is always the same-plain yogurt and some fruit although it's tricky as that's not really a negative for her as such. I plan to tighten up on this once she's a little older and fully understands the consequences of not eating (ie that she'd go hungry if she didn't eat her tea). Id offer some supper later on though-just toast or cereal, then they're not going to bed hungry xx

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice. Its a bit of a constant disagreement that I am too soft on the kids but my husband is too strict.

The kids eat lots of fruit and any type of veg - its the protein/carbohydrate parts of their dinner they won't eat. I've got much better with refusing snacks etc so that they are hungry for dinner and now they know I am consistent with that they don't try it on anymore.

I think the general consensus from the replies is that I need to be stricter and its one dinner and thats all. I really don't want to make a rod for my own back and to be honest I can see how the kids manipulate me in this and with other things because I'm too soft.

I had very strict parents and have some upsetting memories from my childhood especially around eating dinner (we had to sit at the table until we ate all our dinner even if it took hours and hours) so I think whenever my husband is too strict it brings up lots of sad feelings.

Something I saw on a parenting programme years ago and did work when mine were small was to take the focus away from the food.

You have a pot of marbles of pennies on the table, if they use their fork they get one penny/marble, if they use their knife and fork together they get two, the winner is the one with the most marbles/pennies.

I know it sounds like a palaver, but it really did take the emphasis away from the food, and they did eat better.

Other things that have worked over the years is serving dishes in the middle for them to help themselves and always making sure there is at least one element of the dinner that they really like.

Good luck, I know it seems endless, but mine are teens now and those days are a distant memory.

Ohhh I hear you. I lost my rag with mine today over similar. They’re a little bit older than yours, at 6&4 but recently they’ve been turning their nose up at dinner on a regular basis. I told them that unless they were here to eat dinner calmly with us they would be going to their rooms. And gave a big speech about how so many people don’t have enough food to begin with and they just waste or refuse theirs and that it was rude and disrespectful to me since I’m the one who cooks their food, often from scratch too. I felt a bit bad after but they actually came back to the table and sat and ate, so clearly something went in...

@cakefanatic my 2 went through a phase of coming to the tabke and saying "eeeeewwww I domt like it, I'm not eating it (dc1 - no idea where he got it ftom) and "thats DISGUSTING" (DC2 again, no idea where it came from)

I had several similar speeches, I can't stand that sort of rudeness. They stopped quite quickly.

Make sure there is something they do like on the plate so they are likely to at least eat that, this way you don’t feel like they are starving even if it is just some veg.
Don’t make a big deal around food, if they don’t eat the food just take it away at the end of the meal without a fuss, making a fuss around meals can turn food into a battle and nobody needs that! Offer small portions with more available if they want it(this will reduce any waste too).

It’s crap when they won’t eat but don’t turn it into a battleground and don’t cater for their every whim either. Mine are 8 and 5 and eat most things. Our rule is: You don’t have to eat it.

And the only alternative is weetabix.

It's hard as they're still young but I don't agree with the 'they'll eat it if they're hungry' thoughts. I was fussy as a child, although much better as an adult and I absolutely would not eat something I didn't like and I still wouldn't now. And it makes mealtimes a battle ground which isn't good for anyone.

As my parents were so hard-line on this, I grew to hate mealtimes and it just made everything into a drama.

Now I've got my own DC I probably go to far the other way (I made 5 slight different dinners on Monday!) but I wouldn't give them something to eat they genuinely didn't like.

I tried giving them new foods alongside things I knew they liked and offered them to try it so at least I knew they were eating. They've got much more adventurous as they've got older.

My youngest is actually my best eater and I think that's because we did baby led weaning so he tried do many different foods from my plate from the get go (especially spicy food).

You & your husband need to agree on your approach but I do think forcing them to eat something they don't like or go hungry at their young ages is mean (different if they were older).

Good luck

I think at 3 and 4 I think seems too strict. I wouldn’t let it develop into a stand off where they are really hungry but eating something they hate the taste of or not eating at all. I can remember trying to eat something as a child that I hated so much it made me gag and vomit and I was really hungry. I think he needs to calm down and stop laying down the law. If they tried everything on their plate that’s pretty good. If the two of you are getting tense the children will pick up on it. I think if they have tried everything on their plates that gets a well done. Then I would put out some cheese, biscuits, chopped apple, sliced banana without making a drama and then you and your husband just finish your meal being relaxed and chatting.

I recommend following ‘kids eat in color’ on Instagram - some really good tips for getting kids to eat. Some good advice we’ve followed included: Serving a meal that always includes one of their ‘safe’ foods. Only putting small amounts of other foods on the plate but having more available. Not praising or criticising what they have or haven’t eaten. Recognising it may take 10 or more tries of a good over time before a child accepts it.

I think the single most important thing is not to make a big deal of it. Then it becomes a battleground / power struggle, and it can be hard to get back to normal mealtimes once you've gone down that route. I actually don't think it matters much if you take your approach or your husband's - as long as you act like you don't care whether they eat their dinner or not.

Agree with all the above- don't fret if they don't eat much, and don't make special alternatives either. Always include something that they will eat, let them serve themselves and keep it casual. Dont comment on the quantity or what they serve themselves, don't use other food or indeed any thing as reward for eating certain things as it only emphasises "that's a horrible food you don't like eating so you need this nice thing to bribe you do do it".

I suspect at 3 and 4 they probably copy what their peers do, and each other, so if you crack one you'll crack them both!