Urgent advice needed regarding domestic abuse

[urgentadvice]

Family member lives with her partner. She drinks too much because she's miserable, he's a mental and physical abuser. She has a year 6 child. Every 6 months or so she ends up with an injury, latest one being a broken nose. Social services have called (think from police contacting them) and have said they will be round in the next few days.
Does anyone know what she can expect ? She loves him, blames herself, he blames her for what happens. The child apparently hasn't witnessed the violence but has heard it and obviously see's her mothers injuries.
He is financially controlling also.
We're worried ss will want to take the child away. She isn't willing to leave him and she claims the child is happy and doesn't have a clue what's happening. Any advice what to expect ?

If SS can see that she's willing to cooperate and take the child out of this severely emotionally damaging situation by leaving the abuser, they will be helpful.
If she stays and keeps the child in a dangerous household then there is a chance that they will remove the child.

If she’s unwilling to leave him and accept the impact of his actions on their child then it is likely SS will want to remove if there is a period of no improvement.

Ss will consider the child to abused. If she continues with this relationship then she will be failing to protect him.

Thank you. I thought this was the case. It's killing me hearing her defend him. Keeps saying '99% of the time were great' but breaking someone's nose is not bloody normal! She's convinced the child isn't aware of anything but she's not a young child who can be told something like I've bumped my head etc she must know what's going on! I'm really worried for her mental state as she grows up

She would need to commit to keeping the child safe. That means getting away from the abuser. It also means not abusing alcohol. If she can’t do these things then yes they should remove the child. Poor kid.
She’s deluding herself if she thinks the child doesn’t hear and know what’s going on.

She needs to understand that it's literally a straight choice now, him or her child, SS will not accept that the child is oblivious and nor should they. Doesn't sound like she will accept it easily though from what you've said OP, maybe see if you can get her to do the Freedom Programme online before SS turn up, might make her realise how abusive he actually is www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

It’s worth being aware that if the child is remove then SS will first look around the family to see if anyone in the family is able to after the child rather than him being placed in foster care.

It's so sad because she was never like this she's always been a great mum. She met him and her life has gone tits up. The drinking is her way of coping, she does work and looks after her child very well but she isn't protecting her from this arsehole. She's in denial about it. But yes I have told her now it's a choice of him or her kid. How can she hide a broken nose from them seriously !! This is also the second time safeguarding has been raised with them. Last time it wasn't looked into any further.
Thank you for the link

It's an eye-opener if you can convince her to do it, you may well find she's in a completely different frame of mind by the time SS turn up, definitely worth a try. It's £12 to do it online and you can PM me if money is going to be the only obstacle to her doing it, I can find £12 if it might stop someone losing their child. How receptive is she likely to be to doing it do you think? It would be a really good start to making a good impression with SS if she can say she's taken the initiative and done the course, it will be one of the things they recommend so that might help persuade her. Good luck OP, I hope you can get her to see sense.

She needs to find a better way of coping.

Abusers are master manipulators so she is probably being conditioned into thinking that he is the only man on this planet that she will ever have.Her drinking as a coping mechanism probably suits her partner as well as he can use it against her.
SS will be very keen to help and support her and her child if she wishes to leave the abuser and protect her child,they are always taking it as a priority in DV cases.And if she understand that she has an alohol problem but wishes to address that and undertake therapy for her child sake then again,they will try to be as supportive as possible.They will do anything they can to help them to feel safe and secure happy childhood for her child.
I've been in abusive relationship and SS were in touch few times in 8 years but I found them really helpful (4 DC).

Maybe point out to her that hearing but not seeing the abuse can actually be more frightening for a child as they can imagine all sorts, she needs to stop minimising

Op you sound like a good person but you must know that your relative is currently not a good mother.

Has anyone in the family raised concerns with social services?

The child needs removing because their primary carer is failing to protect them.

He broke her nose. How long before he turns this on the child.

I feel sorry for her of course but I feel sorrier for the child and her choosing to live in denial is both selfish and irresponsible.

My partner was mentally and physically abusive. I left when my child was 9 months old. I convinced myself she was ok it was only me that suffered. SS said I did the right thing to remove her and were no longer worried about her care. I was still concerned had a number of assessments on her and from those and my own observations I noticed that she was terrified of men screaming and refusing to go near them. Night terrors and stress and shook violently and stiffened up when stressed.

It took years to heal these conditions. She is a happy girl now, but I will never forgive myself for not leaving sooner.

Those children are at risk, get them out of there.

The child is a witness to the abuse wether they just hear or see it. And who knows what they have seen and been too scared to talk about.

She needs to chose her child over this man. But she will need help to see the relationship for the abusive one that it is.

@Weirdfan thank you that is very kind but I will give her the £12 myself, I don't think she'll have it
Atm I'm not sure if she would be willing to do it, she is very depressed and hiding away.

I've really really tried talking some sense into her, as have others members of the family. I've sent links to women's aid, domestic abuse helpline etc give her tough love, been gentle, been supportive, tried everything. I just feel like shaking her. She loves him and yes she has 100% been conditioned into thinking she's worthless. She is blinded by the fact he isn't always like this and thinks that because it's not constant it's not as bad as we're making out. The physical abuse isn't constant but the mental abuse is. As an outsider I can see him for what he is. I've also seen the nasty side of him, he just switches. It's quite scary.

She is a good mother but atm she isn't no. She has been worn down and convinced she is worth fuck all. It's his house. She used to have it all and now she doesn't have anything apart from her kids and her job.

I agree she needs to put her dd first, she does know it deep down but she is afraid of having nothing and nowhere to go I think, also of uprooting her dd. It's taking that first step isn't

Could you get her to read something? This is a free pdf to a book called Why Does He Do That, if you can just get her to read section 4 (The Types of Abusive Men) something might just click. ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

I know the feeling your sister has. I left my abusive ex in 2019. You are absolutely conditioned.

In my experience with social services. They supported me fully when I said I didn’t want him to have any contact with the kids. After months and months of harassment the courts put a restraining order on him so he couldn’t contact me anyway. (He did 4 times, went to prison twice.) after this social services told me to not allow contact and to let him go to court for contact. However, he is now living with his new partner who has 2 children and social services don’t care. So he’s too much of a danger to see his own but not to someone else’s. makes no sense to me.

Anyway, social services will want her to leave the relationship but it wouldn’t surprise me if they supported the family to stay together. They may possibly want him to do courses and things around domestic violence and it effects on children and if he complies they will be happy. That’s my experience. I don’t know what area you’re in but in line social services don’t seem to remove children until it’s almost too late to

Well she has a choice to make hasn't she, him or her child. The first incident of SS may have been seen as "genuine accident" no need for intervention but now there's no way they are going to accept a "walked into a door" excuse. The child is at risk, I'd be surprised if they don't issue the him or the child ultimatum.

Best thing for the child is to be removed and placed somewhere safe.
She is not willing to leave the perpetrator, for hers and the child's sake. So they will deem both parents unfit.

Will you be able to take the child in?

How many times has social services been involved? Has she ever been on Child in need or child protection plan? If the police were the ones who made the referral has he been charged? Given no contact order?

Social services will be assessing the child's safety and wellbeing. They do not seek to remove children other than in the most extreme cases (think both parents habitual drug users and children seriously neglected). If she is doing everything she can to keep the child safe and her partner is not directly abusing the child then it is extremely unlikely that SS would seek to remove the child. If his abuse of her, and/or her drinking is considered to be putting the child at risk then they may consider what the next steps will be. That could be regular visits, a child protection plan or other measures.
What SS will be looking for from her is commitment to protecting her child. That means she must be prepared to call the Police if things escalate, or leave either temporarily or permanently. If she indicates that she will stay with him no matter what they will be concerned that she isn't putting her child first. She needs to remember that just because her DC doesn't witness anything doesnt mean they don't hear arguing or know things have happened, and that in itself is a welfare concern. I imagine a broken nose is fairly difficult to hide, as will all the other injuries be.

What she should do of course is leave. And knock the drinking on the head. But it really is not that easy to leave for many reasons. If you can please support her, maybe offer her a safe place to escape to with her DC, or a listening ear and babysitting at short notice. You may think you will be enabling her, but if no one does anything she may feel trapped and her DC will continue to be exposed to this