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Parenting

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Original poster

Grandparents not listening to rules.

26 replies

YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 27/04/2021 14:02

I’m getting sick of my mother and father plying my children with sweets secretly. They’ll ask to have them and I’ve set boundaries down (as they’ve turned rather bratty demanding sweets like ‘nanny’ gives) and have told them they can only have them if they give no ‘treats’ and replace with fruit, healthy alternatives. They’ve both agreed but my children have came back on numerous occasions bouncing off the walls, refusing bedtime when my five year old has stated that they are given crisps, cakes and sweets etc.

I have brought this up to them and they keep saying oh it’s only ‘one’ of something (I have found a whole pack of 6 cakes in my bin when my mum and dad had the kids for me to register baby). I am getting so pissed off with them and am considering not letting them go. They don’t seem to understand but it’s me that has to deal with them having tantrums for ‘treats’ etc. Any advice? Should I just stop them seeing them unsupervised

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Original poster

YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 27/04/2021 14:03

DH mother on the other hand often brings healthy snacks which they equally love so I don’t understand why they won’t just respect what I’ve asked.

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 27/04/2021 14:07

But you’re getting free child care.
If you don’t like why they do you should only let them have supervised visits.

Original poster

YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 27/04/2021 14:09

@DinosaurDiana

But you’re getting free child care. If you don’t like why they do you should only let them have supervised visits.

It’s not ‘free’ childcare at all, they ask to see their grandchildren. I never ask them to have them they’ll ring/text/turn up unannounced to have them!

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Justmuddlingalong · 27/04/2021 14:11

All visit together. If you're there you can stop the treats. If your DP's object, tell them they can have you all visiting or none at all.

Keepingitreal14 · 27/04/2021 14:11

I think you need to chill a bit, maybe limit the number of times they go but not stop them going.

It’s a good lesson to the kids that different people have different rules.

Babyboomtastic · 27/04/2021 14:12

It's what grandparents do. Ask them to keep it in moderation, but I think asking them to cut it out entirely is being a bit unreasonable.

Original poster

YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 27/04/2021 14:13

@Babyboomtastic

It's what grandparents do. Ask them to keep it in moderation, but I think asking them to cut it out entirely is being a bit unreasonable.

I had originally said in moderation, for instance I’d said they can have one cake etc but they’d give the whole pack. Or instead of a couple of biscuits they’d give the whole pack.

OP posts:

Original poster

YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 27/04/2021 14:14

Considering I have two children, a 6 pack of cakes will be shared between them. I don’t think they need 3 cakes each etc. If they buy a 6 pack of crisps they eat them all whilst they’re there

OP posts:

user648482729 · 27/04/2021 14:16

I would say to them that they if it continues then you don’t want them your parents to care for them alone. My mil used to do this and we explained it was causing problems and now she brings healthy treats whereas my sil ignores this and thinks she’s doing us a favour by taking my DC out but in reality it makes life a lot harder because of the problems when they’re home. We didn’t make a big thing of it but we make sure we’re always there now.
There’s also a bigger issue about your boundaries not being followed in general and if they’re not following on this then what will they ignore in the future

FurrySlipperBoots · 27/04/2021 14:17

Send them videos of crying children having their teeth extracted?

Honestly though, they clearly don't respect your wishes. It's one of those situations where you just need to decide which is more important to you - that your children aren't alone with them so they can't undermine you, which means from now on they only see grandparents under your supervision, or that them having the freedom to spend time alone together and have that special bond takes priority.

User0ne · 27/04/2021 14:34

Can you just reply to your dc "oh only nanny can buy those, she gets them from the nanny shop" or some crap like that?

Tbh if they're too old for that to work I'd b*llock them for being so rude

MixedUpFiles · 27/04/2021 14:51

Grandparents need to follow your rules.
That is non-negotiable.

I personally do not have any rules about food with grandparents except avoiding a couple of ingredients that tend to cause migraines on my side of the family. That was my decision that since dd doesn’t spend time with them solo that often, they are allowed to spoil her diet as much as they want. I saved my hard lines for car seats, sun cream, etc.

Checkingout811 · 27/04/2021 14:57

I have similar with my in laws. They asked to have my DS on Thursdays, no problem. I don’t work Thursdays but they wanted a day with them. I want them to have a good relationship so agreed. During half term, they also had DD who is usually at school. DD came home “stuffed” in her words. They had McDonald’s for lunch; a happy meal plus a burger each and then MIL took great delight in telling me one of my sons had had 4 bags of crisps throughout the day! He is 3!
It’s just ridiculous and I completely understand your frustration. I would point out again how unhappy you are with this and say if it continues they won’t be having the DC alone.

MaMaD1990 · 27/04/2021 15:03

What is all this 'free childcare' bollocks?! Just because the GPs have the children doesn't mean that they can do whatever they like- what a crock of shit. I'd give them a stash of things you don't mind them giving as a treat and give them the opportunity to stick to your rules. If not, I'd stop them looking after them on their own for a while and explain why. You could also give them a taste of their own medicine and give the kids some sugary treats before packing them off to your parents and let them deal with it 😉

WithASpider · 27/04/2021 16:40

We had a similar issue where our DC would be given 3 puddings (double choc muffin, yoghurt, ice cream) and expected the same at home.
We asked them to reduce to 1. They did that, but started letting them eat all the 'broken' biscuits in the tin all of them. We had to resort to supervised visits for a while.

Doghead · 27/04/2021 16:45

Yeah.....stop your children seeing their loved grandparents because they treat them to sweets. Seems sensible to me 🙄

DramaBanana1 · 28/04/2021 04:26

Ask them outright ‘why have you deliberately ignored me?’ and when they say it’s just ‘one’, give the example of the 6 pack of cakes. Then say it’s actually making your life harder. Stick to the facts, I find disagreements like this with family often get emotional, understandably, and the message gets lost.

nancywhitehead · 28/04/2021 04:48

@Doghead

Yeah.....stop your children seeing their loved grandparents because they treat them to sweets. Seems sensible to me 🙄

This is harsh. It sounds like the kids are coming back from their grandparents' hyper and bouncing off the walls, not to mention all the issues these days around childhood obesity - I can completely see why this would be an issue for a parent. Of course you wouldn't want your child to normalise eating a six pack of crisps or cakes.

I wouldn't have it OP. You need to have a very direct, no nonsense discussion, and make it clear that you don't want to deal with a) the behaviour and b) the potential health impacts resulting from all those snacks/ sugar they are giving to your kids.

Obviously a treat is fine and is part of that whole grandparent relationship, but it can actually be harmful for your kids to be eating that much sugary, carby food. Both in terms of their current health and their relationship with food in the future.

Make it clear that if they continue then you will have to stop them going there unsupervised, but also make it clear you really don't want to have to do that as you value that relationship and their support etc. but your kids' health obviously comes first.

It's a difficult balance to get right but I think you do need to be really firm on this. It's about your kids' future health as well as the behaviour that you are having to deal with when they come home hyped up on sugar.

marcopront · 28/04/2021 05:05

Original message

(I have found a whole pack of 6 cakes in my bin when my mum and dad had the kids for me to register baby

It’s not ‘free’ childcare at all, they ask to see their grandchildren. I never ask them to have them they’ll ring/text/turn up unannounced to have them!

Which is it?

DurhamDurham · 28/04/2021 06:27

I know this is just a small point but won't the six pack of cakes have been shared between the children and their grandparents?

We're grandparents and while we do stick to rules on car seats, sun cream etc we do sneak in the odd treat that we know our daughter wouldn't usually buy.
We always let her know and she sometimes laughs, sometimes rolls her eyes but doesn't complain about it. Her grandparents did the same when she was little. It's just what grandparents do
Our daughter and granddaughter live with us so obviously we're around for the boring non treaty stuff too so our granddaughter doesn't just expect sweets and treats from us, we do say no as well.

Anne1958 · 28/04/2021 06:37

We had to resort to supervised visits for a while

😂 do you have any idea how ridiculous that comes across as?

Original poster

YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 28/04/2021 14:57

@DurhamDurham

I know this is just a small point but won't the six pack of cakes have been shared between the children and their grandparents?

It’s definitely been given to the DC. My kids will often come home bragging about how many they’ve had etc and when asked my parents they say they keep asking for more (which I’ve told them they are allowed to say no etc to the children)

OP posts:

Original poster

YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 28/04/2021 14:58

@marcopront

Original message

(I have found a whole pack of 6 cakes in my bin when my mum and dad had the kids for me to register baby

It’s not ‘free’ childcare at all, they ask to see their grandchildren. I never ask them to have them they’ll ring/text/turn up unannounced to have them!

Which is it?

Again they offered to watch the DC whilst I registered the baby (due to covid couldn’t take kids with us) and insisted DH come with me etc.

OP posts:

marcopront · 01/05/2021 12:06

Again they offered to watch the DC whilst I registered the baby (due to covid couldn’t take kids with us) and insisted DH come with me etc.

The use of the word again, suggests you have already said it. You didn't say they offered to watch the DC while you registered the baby.

However you can say no.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 01/05/2021 12:10

Just say no then. Your kids aren't going to lose out if they see your parents with you around too. If they ask then tell them why.

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