New mum and feelings of anger, exhaustion and frustration becoming overwhelming

[sunshineandthesea]

I have a baby who is now four months, so was born just before the third lockdown. I really do love him very much but I am disappointed with myself. I thought I’d be much better at being a mum.

The birth and immediately afterwards didn’t go as planned. I didn’t get to make a birth plan which I was disappointed at and then the one thing I asked for - skin to skin after the birth and to breastfeed - didn’t happen. The early days were incredibly tough as a result. I have a lot of regrets and sadness relating to this period. Some of these aren’t related to the pregnancy. I had a horrible time at work before having ds and ended up being signed off and leaving. This has also messed up my maternity pay. I have a new job to go back to so that’s good but I didn’t have this when he was a newborn, so that was a source of stress for me. I also gained a lot of weight in pregnancy and I feel I look terrible, although I have lost a couple of stone I’m still a good 3 stone overweight and I’m not very tall and it shows.

My parents are dead. My husbands are alive but while they are very sweet they don’t really offer to help at all, so I don’t have any support.

DH is WFH and it should mean I have support but to be honest it’s just more stressful as I constantly feel like I have to be quiet (this is me not him) it’s hard to explain. I do feel a bit more relaxed on the rare occasion it is just me and ds. But that isn’t fair of me, it’s nothing he’s done to make me feel that way.

Ds is a lovely baby mostly. But he does fight naps and he does have reflux. When he’s crying or when he is clearly exhausted and won’t sleep I find myself feeling so angry and frustrated and I can feel myself getting to a point where I want to scream. In his early days I did sometimes scream, and cry. I just couldn’t help him. But I find now I’ll feel myself getting stressed and angry and I hate it. I know it’s me not ds but I worry so much he is going to sense it and be upset and distressed.

I also worry he doesn’t “know” me. He smiles and babbles but he does to everyone. For a lockdown baby that worries me, that he doesn’t seem to distinguish between his parents and random adults!

I think I do have some PND but it’s hard knowing how to get help.

If you think you recognise me from this post please respect my privacy.

You poor thing, that all sounds so hard and I totally relate to the feelings of it being easier when your dh isn't working in the house - then you only have to consider yourself and ds.
Your ds loves you, you're his mum. Babbling and chatting at anyone who engages is normal at this stage. When he's a bit older he'll be more clingy.
Is your healtgh visitor any good, have you spokwn to her? Please ask for some support.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Being a new mum is ridiculously hard and everyone feels some sort of negative emotion at some point or another. Firstly, you need to contact your GP/HV to talk about help re PND. A happy mum is a happy baby but you must take that first step if getting help - it's not new to them and they can help you. Your in laws - they may not offer, but have you ever asked them for help? I did this a bit with my own parents at the start and it made life a lot easier to manage. The feelings of your baby not recognising you as mummy - 4 months is so little, they will know and show it more as they get older. Then babbling away to others is a good sign, they're developing and interested in others, don't worry about that and take comfort in the fact your baby is developing well. Your husband working from home is a rotter if you feel like you need to be quiet. I'd speak with him to say if he's got meetings to let you know so you can be a bit quieter but it's yours and your baby's home, don't try to walk on eggshells. Things will get easier I promise, but please seek some help from your GP xx

Yes as pp said, go to your GP. When I told the receptionist what it was for, I got a same day appointment. Your GP will most likely offer anti-depressants like Sertraline, and refer you to perinatal mental health services, who will get in touch and do an assessment initially.

It's a long, hard road at times but there is an end in sight. It does and will get better. Also check out the Pandas website plus their helpline:

pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/free-helpline/

Thank you for your replies. I have to admit I’m reluctant to go down the route of ADs. I was on them once before due to work stress and I was exhausted on them. I’m tired enough at the moment! I’m not really sure what else I should do.

I’m so lucky. Lovely home, a job, a gorgeous baby. Yet I sometimes feel so irritable and overwhelmed and angry. I hate feeling angry.

Agree with PP about the GP - they can help you access therapy too which might be useful if you don't want ADs. In hindsight I wish I'd gone to see the GP after my first baby.

I think there's so much stuff spouted about the perfect birth and about the first few hours but I'd love to know what the science is behind it. I think it largely serves to make women feel like crap. I struggled to do skin to skin with both of mine (both theatre births), one was BF for a bit, the other one not at all. The bond between is something that grows and changes as they get older. The fact that he's smiling and cooing at other people shows he does have a strong attachment to you - you've given him the confidence to be friendly with other people.

Ask your PILs for a hand (or get DH too) - i find with both our parents that they don't want to be pushy so you end up stuck in a weird cycle where they want to help and I want them to help but no one asks. It's so utterly British. I also think 4-6 months is a hard time, they're not tiny babies any more but they don't really do anything. It's much better when they start sitting up and/or moving.

Is there anyway you can get help with things like nice food being delivered? Cleaning? Can your partner take holiday and fast? It really sounds like you need rest.

Are you ok for vitamins, iron etc?

I honestly think what you need is some childcare to give you time to yourself. Can you afford a babysitter during the day a couple of times a week? You need a chance to sleep, have a bath, go for a coffee on your own. It will recharge your batteries hugely. Would your MIL oblige if you asked?

Try and go easy on yourself regarding the weight gain. It's very common, completely understandable and it will come off again in time!

I found 4 months a bit of a slog too. Pretty unrewarding and such hard work. It gets loads better once they're sleeping nights.

Yes book some childcare. I did at about six months as didn’t have family help - made a huge difference

OP your post has really resonated with me. It’s taken me a long time to realise (or perhaps admit) I felt and still feel a lot of anger following birth.
Definitely see your GP and see if you can access counselling but also have a look at Dr Caroline Boyd (_drboyd on Instagram). She talks about maternal rage a lot and I’ve found it helpful.
I hope things get better for you

I understand exactly how you feel and please try to be kind to yourself. I have never been an angry person but the mix of a new baby, lockdown and basically the lack of sleep made me so angry and snappy. I felt so disappointed in myself for not loving the first 6 months of my much wanted son.

I found after 6 months I slowly felt a bit better. Just more in control and enjoying it more. Still completely sleep deprived but just less angry and able to cope. I would just try not to be frustrated when you get frustrated. It is hard and don’t underestimate how you feel so torn with love and exhaustion. It will get better