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Single Parents

17 replies

Hungout · 25/04/2021 11:00

Hi

Calling all single parents to console me please. I’ve just become one myself after a turbulent relationship with OH has come to an ugly end.

I have a child of school age, a toddler and I’m expecting.

Can I do this x

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Lbnc2021 · 25/04/2021 11:03

Yes, you can. I’ve done it and I’ve never been happier. Is it stressful, yeah it can be but it’s so much easier than being a stressed mum with a stressed out relationship.

Hungout · 25/04/2021 11:07

@Lbnc2021 any tips? x

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bluebell34567 · 25/04/2021 11:10

yeah, peacefully.
have good routine, accept any support offered.

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bluebell34567 · 25/04/2021 11:11

and dont think about past. think future.

AuntyHope · 25/04/2021 11:21

Sleep will make or break you. Do everything you can to make sure older two are sleeping through in their own beds and have a good sleep routine.

Sleep whenever get the opportunity to yourself too! It can be tempting to prioritise housework or a bit of adult time, but there is nothing as important as sleep! Seriously. Did I say sleep enough times?

Childcare. Get every bit of formal childcare you are entitled to. Any money you can find in the family budget for extra childcare, use it. Extra curricular activities, holidays and days out can be lovely, but with 3 little ones as a single parent regular childcare sessions will give you an opportunity to get on top of things in a way that those really won't.

Ask for help. Any help available. Be that childcare, help around the house, through services or through your social network. Make sure you are getting the social interaction and support you need to. Make the most of toddler groups (I find the ones in church halls much more accommodating than the led classes when taking a baby and toddler, or later toddler and pre schooler). Taking toddler now is great, so they can get to know you before baby comes. You may need to check they are running and book at the moment!

I don't know your financial situation, but make sure you get everything you're entitled to maternity and benefit wise and are come to an arrangement regarding maintenance.

Hungout · 25/04/2021 11:25

@AuntyHope - thank you, this is exactly the sort of stuff I need to know x

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Sstrongtn · 25/04/2021 11:25

I have 3, and single from when youngest was 6 months, I’m honestly happy with my little unit.

Ups and downs and yes prioritise sleep and (when they open again) soft play is a godsend when you hit a wall as you can sit with baby and catch some restful time while older ones play.

Sort yourself with finances and feel no guilt or pride in taking help from any other family/friend that offers, and ASK if you need it.

Life is good without the additional pressure of a wanker other half!

Blackopal · 25/04/2021 11:31

Yes you can do this. If you have been in a turbulent relationship then try to cherish the peace that being captain of your own ship brings.
I can't lie and say it sometimes isn't hard, but having children is hard, living with their father when it is turbulent is hellish.

Practical tips- outsource every single thing you can, I bulk order things like toilet roll etc so I never run out. Make sure you have cupboards full of things like Calpol, nappies,milk etc as you won't be easily able to pop out to shops if baby is unwell etc.

Be very kind to yourself and proud of yourself. Try to see all the things you do rather than the things you haven't. Positive thinking is key and feeling angry at yourself or sorry for yourself is destructive. (I am working on all this, good luck to you! Grin).

Blackopal · 25/04/2021 11:32

Oh yes, sleep! Don't let it be last on your list of to dos, it has to be a priority.

Hungout · 25/04/2021 11:43

Thank you everyone, please keep these posts coming as they are really boosting me x

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Blackopal · 25/04/2021 11:50

You have me on a roll now!
Try to really luxuriate in the little things such as total control of remote control, the heating, choice of decoration, food.
Make sure you step out of role of bearer of all responsibility as much as you can even if it's just dancing round your kitchen to your choice of music.

Make sure you get every thing you are entitled to, from your ex and things like tax credits etc.

Hold your head up, I know of a lady who keeps up the pretence she is still with her husband, I know she is not (would never mention it) and she is clearly unhappy and ashamed. I really feel for her.
Be proud, do not cringe away from the circumstances, own them.

AuntyHope · 25/04/2021 11:51

Before baby comes I would spend as much time as you can getting your house, finances and other 'life admin' in order. Set up direct debits for all your bills and plan a budget (try to give yourself some extra wriggle room initially if you can).

Have a plan for when you go into Labor and for the end of pregnancy/babies early days. Especially who is going to be at the birth and who will be looking after the other DC. This is likely to be more complicated due to covid restrictions, so the more prepared you can be the better.

There are lots of things, like baby clothes and car seats, which are easy to remember to buy and get ready for a new baby. But having a house full of beautiful baby clothes and a top of the range car seat, is not going to put petrol in the car and food in the fridge/freezer. Stock up on nappies, wipes, toilet rolls and other essentials.

There are a lot of practicalities to consider, and list writing can be really helpful, especially with baby brain. But it's not all about routines and organisation. It is also so important to allow yourself time to process the loss of your relationship and feelings around being a single parent. It sounds crazy but I had to plan times to just have my feelings properly. I would plan to have a bit of time to cry (or more often rage!) otherwise you can get so busy you don't process your emotions properly. That's one of the reasons social support is so important, having somebody to talk to (even if it's just on mumsnet at 3am!) can help you through the worst days, and can give you the opportunity to laugh and have some fun too.

The jobs are never done. Do what you can, and then give yourself permission to enjoy your children and look after yourself a bit. Try to find a balance.

Blackopal · 25/04/2021 11:58

I like Auntyhope tip about processing your feelings. Really important, I am almost four years down the line and I def haven't done this enough. You have to make room for yourself, the end of your relationship and birth and your new circumstances are alot to get your head around.

Blackopal · 25/04/2021 11:59

Invest in a very good thermometer. One of the things that can be toughest is when a child is I'll and you are on your own in the middle of the night. You don't want to be guessing fevers etc.

Hungout · 25/04/2021 12:13

These are all amazing tips, I’m trying to take a day at a time and just get from morning to night of each respective day. If I start thinking about the overall week I’ll probably snap and have a breakdown due to the amount of responsibility on my head x

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Hungout · 25/04/2021 12:16

@Blackopal @AuntyHope @Sstrongtn @bluebell34567 thank you all x

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YayForMums · 10/11/2021 14:19

Hi single parents! I'm a masters student in journalism at City University and am doing a radio report today (due tomorrow lunchtime) about single parenthood in London.
Is anyone on this group a single parent, or friends with a single parent, who would be willing to speak with me about their experiences, good and bad, of being a single parent?
It's not going to be broadcast anywhere public, but if you would like to remain anonymous that can of course be arranged. 🙂

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