Think MIL gave baby herpes

[Razpoot]

My MIL is an endless source of problems, so manipulative, selfish and rude. And I feel like I've just reached my boiling point now. I am feeling so upset and distraught because I just realised recently, she might have gave my 9 month old herpes. She hasn't had any symptoms are anything, but an article came up about herpes on my phone, talking about in rare cases how it can affect the brain and cause brain damage.

I suddenly remembered my MIL coming over once to take my baby to hers for a bit. Before she left, holding her, she said 'no kisses on the lips today, only the head, I have a cold sore' and kissed her on her forehead right in front of me. I had totally forgotten about this assuming it was alright at the time, but honestly a bit freaked out by the article I decided to read a bit into herpes. I knew the general gist of it but not if what she was saying was true, that it's passed only by lip kissing. Low and behold it passes through any form of contact from lips to skin, and she did it right in front of me.

I just don't know what to think or feel. I'm so furious at her for not knowing better, how dare she potentially give my child a life long disease? How could she be so irresponsible. I'm starting to feel so upset, like it's my fault too for not stopping her, I feel like a failure. somebody please just give me some sort of thoughts because I'm honestly really upset about this

Some people believe it’s only passed if they kiss lips? She might be one of these. I don’t think she would intentionally pass heroes to her own grandchild?

I would not kiss a child on the head if I had a cold sore but that’s because there is so much more information about it now and I have young children so am aware.

I think there are more issues at play here. What does your DH think?

*herpes

He's not with me, he was very abusive. His mum comes to take the baby so he can see her supervised (well, did anyway until we ran into issues with her doing things e.g. taking the baby elsewhere without telling me)

She probably is one of the those people who believes that. But I wish she would have informed herself better because now my baby may be stuck with this for life. It just makes me want to cry, I wish I could have known better and protected her. Reading that article that reminded me on the brain damage cases caused by herpes really doesn't help me ethier

When herpes type 1 is passed skin to skin for the first time there is an initial flu like illness with very obvious vesicle type blisters. It sounds like your baby hasn't had it.
Whilst it was irresponsible of MIL to kiss your child with a cold sore (why on earth hadn't she got one of those plasters to cover it up and reduce contamination) cold sores are very much seen as a normal childhood illness by the older generation.

She is likely to get it at some point, 90% of the population do and clear it ie, they don't have future cold sores. If you've read up on it you're probably aware of the increasing evidence of lots of different types of viruses to cancers. But these only applies if the viruses arnt cleared by the immune system and stay latent and active. And we dont know enough about the link but if they are cleared by the immune system ie not latent and active then they won't have any impact.
In the gentlest way you cannot stop your child from picking up all kinds of viruses which may or may not have long term effects. (Hand foot and mouth, coxsackie, both common at nursery) you can just try to reduce it.
This sounds like a MIL issue separate to the incident and late night rabbit hole Googling.
If you are very worried I'd suggest seeking some reassurance from your GP.

Well, hopefully your DD hasn't caught it as although it can be passed through skin it is much more likely through the lips than otherwise.

People often minimise cold sores because they are so common but I think it's very important to ensure it's not passed on (especially where it's more avoidable i.e. adult to baby compared to two adults in a romantic relationship).

Having said that:

Before she left, holding her, she said 'no kisses on the lips today, only the head, I have a cold sore' and kissed her on her forehead right in front of me.

I think this bit shows that your MIL is trying to avoid giving your DD anything even if she was misinformed. You say you are furious at her for not knowing better but as irritating as it is, if someone doesn't know they don't know. You didn't know until you stumbled upon an article.

I think the thing to do is take a deep breath and consider the future. From now on you will have to stop her kissing the baby. Really anyone except parents probably shouldn't be kissing babies, even if it very common to do so. A person with herpes can be shedding and infectious in the days before a cold sore appears so no cold sore does not mean safe to be kissing the baby.

@Razpoot

He's not with me, he was very abusive. His mum comes to take the baby so he can see her supervised (well, did anyway until we ran into issues with her doing things e.g. taking the baby elsewhere without telling me)

She probably is one of the those people who believes that. But I wish she would have informed herself better because now my baby may be stuck with this for life. It just makes me want to cry, I wish I could have known better and protected her. Reading that article that reminded me on the brain damage cases caused by herpes really doesn't help me ethier

Have you got support OP?

Have you spoken to anyone about his ‘supervised’ contact?

I didn't know this 😭 she obviously didn't either and was trying to do her best. If you knew better then you should have stopped her. It's always better in hindsight but at least you have a caring relative who loves your child a lot don't have that. Would definitely try and avoid any adult trying to kiss kids on the lips though.

@Frazzle76 thanks for your reply. Isn't it sometimes though people can have it without any symptoms at all?

@Jamboree01 Yeah, I speak to a woman at Woman's aid and family and friends support me too so I'm doing alright in that regard. His family are just unfortunately incredibly difficult to work with even though but that's a whole other issue

OP @Frazzle76 explained it all very well as I suspect you know.

I also suspect you know that your MIL would not knowingly harm your child in any way.

I think people can shed without symptoms but only after they have had the original primary herpes infection which causes symptoms. So only without symptoms when the virus is latent and then reactivated rather than initial infection.
To make you feel better: I am pretty laissez faire about everything like this but I'd still be pissed off and would be tempted to buy some compeed lip plasters and give them to her just to make a point. So don't feel bad. X

I'd be really upset. Some people are very ignorant and do not educate themselves about how not to spread their diseases. I have also heard people giving their children the cold sore virus because they think similarly but say they never realised (aka didn't look it up!)

@frazzle76 thank you for explaining that reassuring, she's never had any symptoms like that. Thank god. The plasters are a good idea, I mean she hasn't seen my girl in a while due to issues but if she does again I will absolutely bring this up and let her know it can spread by more than on the lips

If your daughter is well, why think she might have herpes? We come in to contact with infections of every type all our lives. I'm sure you wash your baby's hair and head.

Do educate grandma about how herpes can be spread, and the dangers of it, rare though they are, and she'll know better.

@Razpoot

My MIL is an endless source of problems, so manipulative, selfish and rude. And I feel like I've just reached my boiling point now. I am feeling so upset and distraught because I just realised recently, she might have gave my 9 month old herpes. She hasn't had any symptoms are anything, but an article came up about herpes on my phone, talking about in rare cases how it can affect the brain and cause brain damage.

I suddenly remembered my MIL coming over once to take my baby to hers for a bit. Before she left, holding her, she said 'no kisses on the lips today, only the head, I have a cold sore' and kissed her on her forehead right in front of me. I had totally forgotten about this assuming it was alright at the time, but honestly a bit freaked out by the article I decided to read a bit into herpes. I knew the general gist of it but not if what she was saying was true, that it's passed only by lip kissing. Low and behold it passes through any form of contact from lips to skin, and she did it right in front of me.

I just don't know what to think or feel. I'm so furious at her for not knowing better, how dare she potentially give my child a life long disease? How could she be so irresponsible. I'm starting to feel so upset, like it's my fault too for not stopping her, I feel like a failure. somebody please just give me some sort of thoughts because I'm honestly really upset about this

Most commonly herpes infections come from the Mum - you don’t have to have an active strain to pass it onto your baby. A one off kiss is very unlikely to have passed it on

Does your daughter actually have herpes?

Oh ffs some posters

You’d know all about it if she had herpes as the first infection makes them really poorly. Stop grasping at straws for reasons to hate your MIL.

@isadora2007 this is absolutely beyond rude. Do you think it was acceptable for her to kiss her while she had a cold sore?! And besides that, you have no idea the absolute turmoil I've had to go through because of this woman, which isn't included in this post because it's not relevant. And besides that as well, herpes doesn't always produce symptoms, some people don't have initial infection and go years before it breaks out. I am worried that she has caught it from her by the kissing, symptoms or not

@maggiesfarm there often aren't symptoms, and herpes is extremely contagious, it isn't a situation of 'just wash it off' as far as I'm aware. I know we encounter many infections but this concerns me as it's a life long thing

@potteringalong no symptoms but I know it can be passed without them occuring, that's what I'm paranoid about

But you didn’t know better at the time either... Why are you holding your MIL to a higher standard than yourself? It sounds like you’re just looking for things to be pissed off with your MIL about.

@theundoingproject I don't have herpes. Even though I DO wish I known better at the time, surely it's the responsibility of the person who actually has the infection to be aware of what they can and cannot do? It sounds like you're saying I shouldn't be upset that she kissed her with a cold sore

One of my dc nearly died of herpes - he caught is as a newborn, so sadly I know quite a lot about it. It is only life threatening under 6 months, and if your dd had it in it life threatening form you would know. My dc spent 7 weeks on iv meds in scbu, and needed help with breathing, incubator, various other interventions. It is possible that she will have picked it up, but if so it will be nothing worse than getting cold sores at some point. It will not damage her brain without you knowing about it, and if it was going to do that she would have got ill very quickly. Trust me - you really would have known.

Your MIL def should not have kissed your dc with an active cold sore and I can't believe she did not know that - but it is very possible that she didn't know it might be life threatening had dc contracted it from her. I certainly didn't before dc was fighting for his life

@BewareTheBeardedDragon thank you for sharing that, I'm really sorry you went through that I can't imagine how terrifying that was. But it is reassuring that you're right, at least even if she has got it at least she hasn't had any extreme reaction so it doubt it will escalate