This might be a long one but I will try to cover everything and hope someone can help me. My 3yo DS is having some issues at nursery. He goes 5 days a week, 8.30 - 5ish, and has done since he was one. He's now 3y 2 months old, and when he turned 3, he moved into the preschool room they have there.
He's had no major issues until he moved into this room, other than the usual toddler behaviour, he bit a child once, got bitten a couple of times himself etc. But now he is hurting children frequently. He has hit other kids with toys, jabbed them with pencils, punched them, and so on. He's a good size for 3, he's comfortably into 4-5 years clothes, and when he hits, he can obviously hurt these kids. And I really don't want that. If it was my child getting hurt I would be very upset, so I understand the nursery staff are in a tough spot.
The nursery staff say that sometimes him wanting the toy another child has is a trigger. Other times they don't seem to have any idea wht he hits someone, yesterday's example was that he simply got up of the carpet during reading time, walked over to another child and punched them. No idea why, and when asked, he wouldn't say. One time I asked him why he had been put in time out, and he said 'because a dinosaur tried to eat me'. He's bright enough, his vocab is good, he can tell me what he wants and doesn't want, talks in sentences etc. But he's lashing out at these kids and if we can't get him to stop he's going to have to leave the nursery I think, they just can't have him hurting other kids which I totally understand.
Whenever he does this, they have put him on time out, and removed the toy if he's snatched it etc. Time out in their room wasn't working, so they've tried time out in the office, but that doesn't seem to be having an effect either. If he has been outside when it happens, then he's brought inside to do time out. They've also tried reward charts and prizes for good behaviour, talking to him about what happened and why, telling him firmly it's not good behviour, and they've got books about kindness and good behaviour which they are reading with him. They are intervening whenever they see him about to do something but they are operating at ratio, which is one carer to 8 kids in his age group so they can't spend all their time on him.
At home we are trying to give him the same consistent messages too. How to be gentle, what to do if someone has a toy you want, what to do if someone upsets you, etc. Focusing on telling the teacher, rather than hitting. We've also stopped him watching tv at home (after his viewing time went up and up during lockdown), and we're focusing much more on books, playing together and being outdoors where we can.
But, here's the issue. He doesn't do these things at home, or in other social situations we've been in with him. I've never ever seen him walk across a room to just hit another child. He's lovely with his little sister, although he doesn't always listen to us when we tell him to not be boisterous, he has never deliberately set out to hurt her. So I am at a bit of a loss. I am not going to say 'oh he's my little boy, of course he's an angel, the nursery are wrong'. I recognise that there is a behaviour issue, and I want to help ds do better, but I have no idea how to do it. And if I don't see the behaviour, I don't know what actions to take. Does anyone have any suggestions please? I'm getting to be at my wits end to be honest.