How to deal with parenting judgment?

[KO2018]

Hi all - I’m a proud first-time mum of a little girl. She’s four weeks old and I’m already having to deal with people giving their opinions on my decisions. I’m finding it very hard to handle!

Okay well it’s one person so far - she’s nine months ahead of me with her first, and has given me plenty of support and advice. However, I’m finding it really hard to not be filled with self-doubt and shame every time she suggests I do something differently, or acts pointedly surprised at something I say.

I’m aware this will be happening all the time from all sorts of people. Does anyone have any advice on how they deal with it? I know I can’t stop it happening but I’d like to get a bit of a thicker skin! It’s hard to do when my confidence is not so high right now..

Urgh I know! Parent judging is so frustrating, especially judging new mums! It does get to me but then I remind myself that I'm the expert on my own baby. No one knows your baby better than you. As long as you're responding to their needs, forget what nonsense others want to tell you. It's probably coming from their own insecurities.

Are you happy with what you are doing? If so that is all that matters. No one will know your baby better than you and every child is different. Even if she says something is better from her experience it does not mean it is right for you and yours.
As hard as it is you need to practice your nodding and smiling and brush it off.

It is frustrating and very easy to second-guess yourself, esp when you're a first time mum.. always remember you have the absolute best interests of your baby at heart and you know your baby best.. it also helps at times when you know the advice, no matter how annoying, is also meant with good intentions.. I tried filtering all the advice for actual helpful stuff but honestly, I did what I felt was best for my baby.. sometimes advice is from people in very different circumstances and it didn't fit our family. Do what seems best for you.. take care..

I always try to remind myself that I’m doing what’s best for my DC and they’re doing what’s best for their DC and sometimes they’re different things and sometimes it’s the same and that’s because every child is different. I’ve definitely seen as my DD gets older and since having my self second that different things work for different babies or children as well as for different mums. Just because it works for her doesn’t mean it works for you.

Remember it's ok for people to have their own opinions and it's ok for you to have yours. And it's ok for them to be different opinions. It's unlikely and unnecessary to resolve any differences because they just don't matter.
I know it's hard as most of us have been brought up to need other people's approval and validation before our own, but keep an open mind but still make your own decision. Good luck! And enjoy your kids.

Is she disapproving or just trying to give you helpful advice?

New mums are like evangelists i think, so changed by their experience they need to preach whether you want to hear it or not! Smile and say thanks but I'll do it my way, what would give you a bit more confidence?

• and congratulations!

Being a parent is like using the concept of "the force" from Star Wars. You never quite know if you've mastered it or if you ever will and you will worry that others are better than you.

All I can say is; as long as you love your child, do your very best and believe that no one will ever understand your child and the realationship that you have with them like you - then you won't go far wrong.

As parents we all make mistakes - it's how we fix them that matters.

You've got this - trust me.

Thanks all, that’s what I needed to hear. Family and friends do at least have the best of interests!

The phrase “ah that’s interesting... this way works for us right now” is useful.