Seven year old step brothers

[Juliee93]

Hello. Im new to this page and looking for some reassurance/ guidance (im not really sure what im looking for tbh)
I have a 7yo boy. My partner has a 7yo boy too. We have recently moved in together and his boy is there half the time. My son has some new friends at our new place and goes out regularly with them. They seem like decent kids but as you know some friend groups can be a bit cliquey. My step son has played a few times with them but it appears they have began singleing him out. My son is quite unaware of the signs as they are happening but us parents can see it. Its came to the point my step son wont go out as he feels really intimidated by one boy in particular. Noone has hit him but i think something was said to him whilst out playing one day and hes now refrained from going out. Its pushing our boys apart because i dont want my son to have to alter his playtime so often my step son stays indoors whilst watching from the window. I dont know what to do.

Not your problem or your son’s. They aren’t siblings and you need to keep reminding yourself of that - while they get on neither owes anything to the other. I would probably suggest that your OH takes his son out on those days so he has something to do.

I know exactly what you mean and my friend says the same. Its so hard because i really feel for him having being bullied myself as a child. When my boy would come in at our old house and say someone was being mean, i sent him straight back out as i never want him to think he should fear other peoples words. My partner thinks my son shpuld be the middle ground between them but i dont think that should be his job. There was an instance where as my partners son left everyone was staring at him including my son. I asked my son about it and he appeared completely oblivious to the situation and how it made my step son feel. In the house they get on great so there isnt an issue there.

I would not be happy that my DS was playing with a group of children who like to exclude or bully a child whose position they perceive to be weak. I would also be gently discussing with DS whether this is friendly behaviour, and although I would not prevent him playing with his friends, I would be arranging things for the stepbrothers to do when your partner's DS is visiting.

If I were the stepbrother in this situation I would be increasingly unwilling to visit, and if I were his mother I would be increasingly unwilling to send him.

I'm not sure your DS is as oblivious as you think. Children understand what kindness is and should know it's not ok to single another child out and make them feel unwelcome.

I also wouldn't be happy that my DS was friends with kids who are openly bullying another child.

Whilst i completely get your point (i would be the same) i have not seen any behaviour i would perceive as bullying. My son is a gentle loving little boy. He loves my step son alot. My step son comes from a different area. Hes never really been around alot of kids and his social skills arent the best when in the company of children his age. This is something i think my partner needs to work on for his sons benefit. My son spends lots of time with him. This isnt an ‘all the time’ thing. They spend alot of time doing things together as a family but i cant stop my boy from going outside when his step brother is there. All the kids ply together in the street.

It may well be that your stepson's social skills could be better. The fact remains that when he comes to your house he is in a a socially vulnerable position, and when the local children are playing games of dominance, he is an easy target because he doesn't fully belong, and because nobody has his back (including you, and including your DS). He is at a disadvantage, and whilst it is not your problem to resolve, I think it would be helpful to recognise that what is happening is not simply down to poor social skills on his part.

I hope his DF is watching and paying attention.

When it's allowed can you invite 2 kids for tea? Help both boys learn to play better? 4 is a great number. On home turf dss may feel more confident.. A bit of helicopter parenting to oversee how it is going. Dss isn't going to want to see his df if it makes him feel rubbish being there... At 7 some intervention is necessary..

Give your a head a wobble your perfect child knows excately what's happening and is involved with singling another child out. I have a 7 year old they know what they are doing. You need have a chat about kindness and including him. Poor kid nothing worse than bullies.

I think you need to do some work with your son OP. He needs to learn how to choose his friends better and how to stand up to even low level bullying. At 7 he should be able to call out nasty behaviour towards someone else. I question your claim that your son “loves” your partners son. If he did he would be protective over him and wouldn’t need to be told to stand up for him.

My partner thinks my son should be the middle ground between them but i dont think that should be his job. There was an instance where as my partners son left everyone was staring at him including my son. I asked my son about it and he appeared completely oblivious to the situation and how it made my step son feel

Give over he knew excately what he and his mates were doing and made that boy feel small. I'd be fuming if I was the mother.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I would not be happy that my DS was playing with a group of children who like to exclude or bully a child whose position they perceive to be weak. I would also be gently discussing with DS whether this is friendly behaviour, and although I would not prevent him playing with his friends, I would be arranging things for the stepbrothers to do when your partner's DS is visiting.

If I were the stepbrother in this situation I would be increasingly unwilling to visit, and if I were his mother I would be increasingly unwilling to send him.

This!!

Your son isn’t oblivious. You know he isn’t. Stop with that nonsense immediately.

In fairness to the OP's son, he is only 7 and is finding his feet in a new social group which sounds a bit tricky.

Bollocks he's unaware!

TheYearOfSmallThings 7 years old are self aware I have one myself and I teach alot of 7 year olds.

I have a (socially inept) 6 year old, and he would be slow to work out the group dynamic.

I think it is asking a lot of a 7 year old who has just moved to a new environment and is trying to fit in with a group containing some problem characters to endanger their own position by allying themselves with someone who won't always be there.

I am more concerned that the OP is tending to blame the stepbrother for the situation, leaving him even more vulnerable.

What do you mean by singling him out?

If these children are excluding your stepson/ saying mean things I wouldn't want my child to play with them. To me, teaching children that it's better to stick up for others is much more important than them being popular.

Out of interest how long you been together?