Y6 friendship issues

[NickingBentCoppers]

I'm so upset about the experience my 11yo daughter is going through in Year Six.

She feels left out and as though she doesn't fit in to any of the groups (cliques tbh) in her class. She has individual friends who really like her- but when it comes to groups hanging out or going to the park or whatever, she just isn't thought of. It has always been a bit like this for her- and I'm sure it's been made worse by the pandemic.

Now that lockdown has eased, she has seen some friends individually over easter, but it is always instigated by her and she feels that sharply.

At one time she was in a group of three- but unfortunately one of them is a bit of a bully. So while my dd is still very good friends with the other girl out of school/on WhatsApp, in school this good friend is monopolised by the bully, and dd says she (dd) spends break times either playing large group games, or feeling slightly unwanted on the edges of smaller groups.

Most girls in the class are going to the same high school and my dd now is frightened of being stuck in a toxic threesome, or not being included in the rest of the girls. She can't imagine how she will make new friends when all this shit is being carried over from primary school. She feels she is going into high school with no solid foundation of friendship.

She's a very articulate child and it breaks my heart to hear her vocalise with such clarity how she feels like a third wheel, isolated and like she can't find a place to belong. I've just spent a long time with her curled up in her bed, with her crying and me trying not to.

I would really appreciate advice from experienced mums- is this normal? Do I do anything or just let it unfold?

I think high school will be the making of her. Loads of new friends to choose from so she doesn't need to fit in with old groups.

Is there another high school she could go to to break away if she preferred?

Many years ago when I was at this age, I had solid friendships with many girls and 3 were my best friends.
I wasn't allowed to attend the school the majority of the class went to and was sent to another school while my friends all went together, I was so nervous.
However it was the best thing, I made so many new friends and had a new best friend every other week until I settled with a few I really liked.

I think use this time to teach dd about what friends/ people can be like and how to navigate this. Such as how girl a is her friend until girl b is around and why this could be.
I'd also really try to boost dd's confidence in any way you can, maybe sport/ art/ hairstyles.
It may be she then learns friends are lucky to have her when she values her worth.

I think that's what I would do but easier said than done when it's not your own baby!

Thank you for your thoughtful advice.

I think that's part of the problem- she's my baby and I hate to see her feeling like this. Personally I think she has as much to offer as the girls who have formed groups, seemingly so effortlessly. But then she is mine, so I would think that.

There are several good high schools in our area. But she's always had her heart set on this one because it specialises in the subjects she loves.

The thing I can't get my head around is that I can see how much she is liked by individual girls. But that just doesn't translate to being one of the gang :(

Could easily be a jealousy thing, they see how well your daughter is liked and so a few intentionally leave her out a bit when in a group. In school they can be friendships of convenience as you have a much more limited choice, high schools are usually bigger too so she may find she gets on better with someone she meets there, I went into high school as part of a 3 but within the first year completely changed my friendship group.

What about also looking at a local club for something she is interested in where she can meet others her age in a different setting.

Friendship can be really hard and is one of those things that parents can't solve or fix, more's the pity.

If your DD minds being used and dropped by her supposed friend then it might be useful for her to think what advice she'd give herself if she was on the outside of the situation. Would she advise holding off on the WhatsApp friendship a bit and not instigating meeting up or would she recommend continuing with that aspect? What would she suggest to the friend who is being monopolised? Would she see it as a way of the 'bully' friend (BF) getting to share in WhatsApp Friend's (WF) time and so it makes up for the out of school meet ups or would she suggest challenging WF on how she treats her friends? Perhaps she'd recommend being assertive and letting WF and BF know she wants to join in? Or maybe she'd advise being bold and actively joining in with one of the groups she's on the fringe of? Get her to think through what the worse that could happen might be... is it any worse than how she feels now? If she goes and joins in with another group, it doesn't go well and it feels as though the world is ending, would she be able to view it as a social experiment or a trial run for joining unfamiliar groups in Y7?

It's much, much easier for children to break into a group by just doing it. If they're looking miserable at the edge of the playground, have their head down and look as though they're not interested, they are sending off signals that say 'stay away'. Likewise glum teenagers who appear engrossed in their phone/console - they're hard to invite! Have a go at some role play with your DD so she gets to rehearse how she'll join a new group or how she'll challenge WA e.g.
DD role: I'd like to play... what are the rules/where shall I stand?'
BF: did we ask you?
DD: I know, but I'd like to play. Where shall I stand?
BF: no where... I don't want you to play.
DD: OK. I'll just go here then.
WF: umm...
DD: so, what are we playing?

It will feel awkward but it might turn out OK whereas moping around the playground doesn't have that going for it.

Y7 will be fine; being freed from the expectation of moving up with ready made friends is quite empowering for lots of children. They get to reinvent themselves, try out clubs they'd have never been considered for at primary, will have no choice about where they sit if there's a seating plan and so won't be able to avoid meeting new people. Practising breaking into groups now will stand your DD in excellent stead for Y7... and she could always ask to not be put in a form group with WF or BF so she won't have to feel as though she has to be friends with them at the start.