Massively struggling with my kids and feel like running away

[yogibear0]

I've a 2 & 3 yr old and I'm at my wits end with everything. I'm finding it physically and mentally impossible to deal with each of them.
I'm a SAHM, partner works 8-6 mon-fri but even when he's here I still find it very tough as I'm still the one doing everything for everyone and get no breaks in between.
My 2 yr old has been seen by a paediatrician who specialises in asd and highly suspects dd is on the spectrum. She will be assessed after she turns 3 at the end of this yr. She's still pretty much non verbal but is attempting some speech. Still yet to hear her say mummy which is breaking my heart.

My day literally consists of screaming, tantrums, crying 24/7. I'm totally miserable. My kids fight all the time. My 3 yr old can't understand why his sister won't play or interact with him and gets frustrated. Then my 2 yr old has massive meltdowns because her brother has took something she's been playing with. If one climbs furniture so does the other. One takes their clothes off so does the other. I'm constantly running between two kids keeping them safe and content as possible and I'm completely burned out.
My dd tantrums are horrific. She screams likes she's being murdered. I honestly don't know how neighbours haven't called social services because her screams are blood curdling. Everyone can hear it. She still doesn't sleep properly through the night and because of autism she's very hard to connect with and communicate with. I'm so run down. Today was horrific. I feel incredibly down right now and the worse mum ever

Even trying to get them out is hard work. I just can't manage alone. And when I do have help I'm feeling guilty and an even worse mum that I need assistance just to take my kids out to the park etc.

I tried for yrs to have my children, never thought I'd have the blessing of having kids and now I have them and just hate my life so much. Those poor children don't deserve a mum like me

Op, I'm no expert but I just wanted to say you sound like a brilliant mum. It sounds like your children are at a really hard age and add to that your dd's SEN and no wonder you're struggling.

Is there any way you could send one or both to nursery for some sessions so you can get a break and also spend quality time with the other child?

I work similar hours to your DH and do the majority of housework. Your DH needs to step up and support you more.

Sounds tough. I have kids a similar age and it's so hard. The one thing that gives me some sanity and a break is work.
Have you considered going back to work, or nursery? Anything to give you some breathing space so you can be the best mum possible.

That sounds so hard and it sounds like you are doing amazingly well.

I have one almost 3 year old with no additional needs, I work part time but still find it incredibly challenging. I also struggle to take her anywhere and actually posted a thread the other day!

My only advice is that you need a break. Can you afford to put them in nursery/ pre school? Or a child minder? Not so you can work but so you can take time to relax for a few hours!

Do you have much family support? What about weekends? Does your Dh take over then?

These are really, really hard ages when you have more than one kid anyway, without SEN in the mix. You sound like a really attuned mum who's just at the end of her tether, completely understandably.

Have you spoken to HVs about options for additional help (not sure if something like Homestart scheme might be of help), and also any behavioural tips and strategies for you (maybe from a specialist resource) to help you manage the tantrums and maybe make it easier to get out of the house? Being stuck in is the absolute pits and everything just spirals.

If you can find a decent HV to talk through support options, that might be helpful. But I'd agree that some nursery hours for.your own respite might be a good plan.

Also, your partner needs to pick up the reins more when at home - particularly when parenting for SEN, it's the most overwhelming task. It's nothing like being at work 8-6, and you need to have more teamwork.

You are not a shit mum. It’s not embarrassing or a failure to want/need a break, you are a human being too, you’re not just mum.

Why are you doing everything for everyone? Both me and DP though we had stressful jobs until we became parents and now we both agree that parenting 24/7 is much much harder than work.

Work usually has an end point for a start, parenting doesn’t end at any point.

Can you use a nursery for a morning or two a week?

Can you partner take a few hours/days off to take the kids out so you can recharge?

Do you have any family near by to take them for walks for you?

Does your partner do night wakings or is that you too? I don’t care if he works, some of the night wakings are his responsibility too.

As PP suggested extra support from HV, but if they’re anything like ours you’ll have to keep pushing.

Thanks everyone. I have support now and again when my sister visits maybe once a week. My mum tries to help but even she gets overwhelmed and she has mental health problems that she battles with as well so isn't available to me every day nor do I expect her to as some days are very hard for her to cope. But I feel I getting that way myself. I don't think dh actually understands how hard it really is and how demanding it is when you are here alone with them and trying to cook meals, tidy up so its safe zone, play with them, get them out, interact with my dd as much as I can while ds is getting jealous and pulling a wobbler because I'm trying to give her 1-1
Ds starts nursery in Sept. I feel torn as I'm gutted he's now starting school yet delighted as I'll only have one to contend with for a few hrs plus it will allow me to give dd more 1-1.
It just all feels like an up hill battle that I lose everyday. Never ever imagined feeling like this after getting the most precious gifts of having them. I just find myself crying in the bathroom every day and feeling useless that I cant take my kids anywhere. Its just awful. I feel like I'm letting them down. I didnt think I'd be this sort of mum. Dh idea of looking after them when he's here is by sitting in front if a TV all bloody day. He hasn't tried what I have to do each abd every day. He says they're fine when it's just him with them (eye roll)

I can't imagine anything harder than being a stay at home mum x would you consider working part time and using a child minder or nursery? Work for me is my rest, and I have a very demanding job! The adult chat and uninterrupted coffee is fab though! X

He says they're fine when it's just him with them

Outstanding, pack yourself a nice overnight bag and get yourself away somewhere for the evening/night when he’s off at the weekend. Just leave them to it, it sounds like you really need to reset.

You're putting waaaaay too much pressure on yourself. There are a few things to unpick here -

• Get your DH to do more when he's home. Arrange things to do on your own when you can e.g. weekends. Meet a friend for a glass of wine.
• Stick them in front of the TV! If putting it on while you sit down and eat a leisurely breakfast gives you the energy to do an hour of baking/crafting DO IT! Do it 3x a day if you need to. As long as you are doing the other stuff in between it's fine.
• I don't know if you're also stressing about housework etc. but don't. Get your husband to do more.

Give yourself a break and you'll be a better mum for it. You're already clearly a great mum, but it's so important that your kids see you taking care of yourself too