10 year old afraid to go upstairs alone.

[OmgSoScrub]

I'm in a long term relationship, my girlfriend has a few children, one being a 10 year old girl. Her other siblings are 15 and 19. Her father sadly passed when she was 2/3.

She has always slept in the same bed as her mum and has had an attachment I could only describe as attached to her hip. I have asked on many occasions for the daughter to sleep in her own room in her own bed to 0 success as she will just cry continuously, to the point where the mum doesnt even want to try any more which has caused a number of arguments.

Over the last month or so it has gotten even worse, where the daughter now refuses to even go upstairs without her mum with her. As you can imagine this development has not been well received by myself.

I'm of the opinion that the daughter has some deep rooted anxiety and potentially other mental issues and is in need of therapy but I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas that may help. I do understand that I am not her parent and that I am very limited in what I can actually do.

I should also mention that i am not living in the house as it would be near on impossible to do so and so we have not even really broached the subject. This is for more reasons than just the child in question, but being able to stay over at night at times would be nice.

So you want a very anxious young girl who is coping with a very significant bereavement to change her whole personality so that it would be "nice" for you? Can you see how that sounds?

It sounds extreme and the girl probably would benefit from some psychological support. How does she cope with going to school? However at the end of the day, it is up to her mum to decide what to do and you have to accept that or end the relationship, as difficult as that may be.

To be fair, @growinggreyer, the bereavement was when the child was 2-3 years old.

Hopefully the child will get the support she seems to need.

Although you may have a point, the wish for therapy needs to come from her mother not you. There is no 'right' way to handle this. Her mum doesn't want to change anything, you need to decide whether the relationship is doomed.

She is completely fine with going to school. It's like she is a completely different person when she is not around her mum. But I do agree that it's not my place. It's just hard as i have been in her life for over 3 years and see her on a daily basis.

Also I made a typo in the original post. She was 3/4 when her father passed away. I do apologise for giving wrong age.

Have you witnessed this behavior ? Could your girlfriend be exagggerating her daughter anxiety as an excuse to stop you staying over ?
The daughter sounds deeply anxious but it will be linked with her mother's behavior too. They probably both could benefit from therapy.

@HollowTalk

To be fair, *@growinggreyer*, the bereavement was when the child was 2-3 years old.

To be fair, that actually makes things worse for the child. She was bereaved at an age when she couldn't understand what was happening and as she ages she will have to deal with her loss again and again, every time she realises what her father's loss means to her. Children don't just shrug off bereavement the way we used to think they do. The child needs support, but that is nothing to do with sorting her out so that this poster can have a "nice" time in his girlfriend's house.

When she lost her dad she would have rent I old to really process it, she is at the age bow when she is starting to think about things in more detail and yet still be too young to really understand, are you the first significant partner in her mums life, maybe she is now scared of losing her mum, not in the physical sense, the emotional sense.

*Wouldn’t have been old enough

I’d suspect that she has some sort of attachment disorder, this can be common in those who loose a parent early on, those adopted etc.

It won’t be fixed overnight, she she under CAHMS? If not she needs to go to the docs and ask for a referral

I don't know if it will be helpful but we managed to solve the problem of not wanting to be alone, particularly going upstairs alone, in our youngest son. He was a very anxious child and although much better now - (mid teens) it manifests it's self in different ways sometimes. He was fortunate to not have suffered the death of a parent or any other identifiable trigger but at age 10 we spoke to his school about his anxious behaviour and then he school nurse. This triggered a conversation with him and he said he wanted to try and get over some of his fears too. Once he was showing willing we slowly, slowly began building up. To start with it was as simple as he went to the top of the stairs while I waited at the bottom and he came straight back down. Then he had to go up and round the corner to the landing out of sight, then to the bathroom. It took a long time! But once we cracked it he was able to go up and use the bathroom by himself which was a big deal at 10 yrs old. Sleeping was ok because he shared a room with one of his brothers so as long as they were there he was fine. If his brother was on a sleepover or trip he would camp out in his other brother's room or come in with us. He is almost 15 now and no longer has any issues being alone in any circumstances. He had to want to do it and we had to take it slowly but I'm so glad we were patient. There was likely to be an element of growing out of it but it was certainly a big problem for a long time.

I don't know how to respond and @people as this is my first time using mumsnet.

First of all i would like to say that I am not looking to just have a "nice time with my girlfriend" as a couple of people have suggested. I will say that my post might not have clearly illustrated this but I do care about her. Like I have said in another comment, I have been in her life for over 3 years now and see her daily. I want what is best for her and don't know how to help.
She has deep seated anxiety that doesn't just affect my life but has an affect on her own and mums life.
I mostly feel powerless and frustrated with the situation as I am not able to do anything and the mum seems reluctant to even discuss it with me let alone address it to try and help in any way.

But I am going to try the suggestion of another about trying to get her to go upstairs for short periods to encourage her even a little to hopefully push towards bigger steps.