Reached wit's end with my 3 year old.

[User24689]

Hi everyone

My son is 3.5 years old. He is a gorgeous boy with a lot of personality but I feel like lately I have completely lost my way with how to deal with him and I really need help sorting it out.

He has yet to sleep through the night. We had a good phase in the first lockdown where he would wake once in the night, his dad would go in and reassure and walk out and that was the best we have ever had it. During this phase he was also dry at night. It lasted about 3 months, then he began wetting the bed every night and went back into nappies and night and he went back to 3-4 wake ups a night.

For the last 3 weeks, he is completely unable to be left alone in his room while awake without screaming. He wakes about 3 times a night. Sometimes it can take 30 mins to get back to sleep. If we try to reassure and leave he screams, throws his bedding everywhere, throws toys and chases us back down the hall screaming. Repeatedly returning doesn't work. One night he was up from midnight to 330 refusing to sleep. After a week of the tantrums in the night I was on my knees with tiredness so I now get into bed with him when he wakes. I know this is making it worse but my tiredness is such that I cannot function. If he ever wakes and I'm not there he screams. This can be any time of evening, night or first thing in morning. When I'm there, he wants his nose pressed into my hair and body wrapped around me. He needs to feel I'm there at all times.

Behaviour wise, he has always been trouble on the school run with his sister as he refuses to walk from the car to her school. It's not far at all, and we have had all sorts of rewards systems in place that have failed. He often says his legs or knees hurt, but will then run off into the distance if he sees someone he knows. He is either on the floor crying and begging me to carry him or I am chasing him through the school shouting his name while he ignores me. There is rarely an in between. I gave in and got the pushchair back out of the loft, which he hasn't used in a year. This feels like a huge parenting step backwards but has more or less solved the issue with the school run.

This last couple of weeks he is refusing to go into the car to go to preschool (following daughters school run) and will wriggle out of my grasp and bolt on seeing the car. It is terrifying. Yesterday, he scratched my face while I strapped him into his seat and pulled off my glasses in his rage. He then screamed all the way from one school to the other. On arrival, he would walk down the road from the car to preschool so I had to carry him and his bags while he repeatedly hit me in the face and screamed.

The strange thing is, he loves preschool. He absolutely loves it. I called them 15 mins after dropping him off and he was happily playing. He never ever causes them a problem and they don't recognise the child I describe when I tell them about his behaviour.

I feel like a terrible mother. My daughter has to continually put up with this shit at pick up and drop off so never has a nice goodbye and I never get to exchange pleasantries with her teacher or hear any comments about her day like other parents as I'm managing her brother every time.

I have lost it on several occasions this past couple of weeks and shouted at him in the car. Like properly lost all control of my temper. I am so upset and exhausted and worn down and frustrated. His constant need to touch me and be held by me but yet also control me. I feel like his emotional punch bag and I know he is only 3 and that sounds awful.

Does anyone have any advice?

I'm sorry OP, no advice but interested in responses as I struggle with my 3 year old at times too

Sorry no advice but it sounds like you're having such a hard time and I really feel for you! Having had very little sleep myself for 5 years straight I know how hard it is to deal with the other challenges of the day when you're exhausted. I hope you get some good advice and things get better for you soon.

DS is 5 now and very similar. I recently discovered this series of books which has helped a lot - doesn't fix everything but makes a noticeable difference

I wonder if he really loves it. Young children actually have an amazing/worrying capacity to tuck away emotions that they are ‘not allowed’ to feel. Once he is in preschool he may just get on with it and not show those big feelings to them.

What happened around the time of the regression with wake ups and night wetting?

He sounds like a wee boy feeling really insecure about something. Do you ever talk about worries/ read books about it? ‘The big bag of worries’ is a good one, or tom Percival has a good worry one too that I forget the name of. And poor you. It’s hard to be patient when knackered and getting scratched etc. But in my view it’s not ‘bad behaviour’ - he’s communicating something. I don’t mean let him behave like that, take charge and set limits, but think of ways to help him talk, and listen. And cuddles.

I think given the level of distress he shows during the night I would have him sleep with me, I don’t think that is building a rod for your back I think it is responding to his needs which will change over time.

Have a look at the books 'Raising Your Spirited Child' and 'How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen'.

I would probably do whatever means you all get the most sleep at night to be honest. He is still very little really. Does he have a comforter of any kind? Relaxing music to fall asleep to? A dummy (ok not ideal for teeth at that age I'm aware)? A night light? Can he explain to you why he gets so upset in the night and what's bothering him or is he not able to do so? How is his speech and communication skills?

For the car, is there anything that could distract him in the car like a snack or a tablet or a toy?

For walking, I wouldn't worry about the pram, he's only little. I know plenty of people on MN make out like no kid over the age of 3 should be in a buggy but in reality lots of them still are especially for people who don't have cars and have to frequently walk long distances. If he won't walk nicely (you could also try reins perhaps?) then stick him in the buggy and don't worry about it.

When my dd was 3, she was sleeping in my bed and needing the buggy as she hated walking.

This sounds a lot like my youngest child. I have a theory that children know when you are preoccupied with something else and work very hard to be the centre of your universe HOWEVER they can (from being as cute as possible to as vile as possible). So, if you have to get them to sleep so you can go out, then the Behaviour begins. If you are so tired you might cry, same. If you just need a minute to sort something, they’ll freak. If you need to see their big sister, that’s a trigger.

I know that doesn’t help, I went to hell and back to get the smallest one to sleep but my genuine suggestion is to know, understand and accept that the youngest’s behaviour is extremely likely to wake the older children, and to know already that that isn’t fair, and to accept in advance you’ll need to deal with 2/3/4 pissed off children instead of one.

For the school runs, I used a carrier for awkward toddlers as no pram, no car, and that worked fine, it’s containment same as a pram, do what you need to do. The carrier was better for me because we weren’t allowed prams in school so I could go in and talk to the teacher without being poked in the eye, but if your school lets prams in, do that. It’s a tool, nothing more.

My youngest slept through eventually at 6 and reliably by 7 and it’s a massive relief, I have to say - but I honestly didn’t do anything differently from my older children. It isn’t you. Sometimes it’s just hard.

@OppsUpsSide

I think given the level of distress he shows during the night I would have him sleep with me, I don’t think that is building a rod for your back I think it is responding to his needs which will change over time.

I agree with this, it sounds like he needs the safety of his Mum right now. My boy is similar and we get the most sleep when he sleeps with me.

Mine's a similar age and I feel your frustration. My DS can just turn in an instant.

I'd use the pushchair or reins for school drop off - it's a safety issue. You can't have him running off. Can you drop him at preschool first?

We've had some success with a drawn schedule of when things happen - so I've drawn a clock and then a picture of breakfast, another clock and a picture of tooth brush etc. We also use a timer (just a YouTube video one on my phone) to help get ready, which is where it all falls apart for us.

Thanks SO much for all your help and advice. I will look up the books mentioned.

I have slept with him the last 2 nights and I think I almost needed to give myself permission to do it if you see what I mean. My DH was really against it. I think because he was in our bed til he was 2 and getting him out and into his own bed felt like a huge milestone and freedom so to be back here just over a year later feels like going backwards and we have been going back and forth on whether it is 'responding to needs' or whether it needs discipline. His parents are quite old fashioned and strict in their approach and I think have been in his ear about it with unhelpful comments like "you wouldn't have got away with that with us"

The comment about seeing when I'm preoccupied is a good one. I do think the issue with eldest's school is maybe it's a part of the day when none of it is about him. It's also a busy environment with loads of people and I think he gets overstimulated. And he is either tired at end of day, or in anticipation of preschool start. I feel like when I talk to him or try to get him to listen he goes into this weird zone where he isn't listening at all. Sometimes I think he can't even hear me.

I think he does like preschool. The fuss is a recent thing. He did it at the start, settled in, then went in happy. It is the last few weeks (so week before Easter and now) he has kicked off about going in. I know the staff well and nothing in there has changed. I also have a friend who works as a 1-1 in there so is my eyes on him at preschool and she said he's good as gold and swans about like he owns the place 😁 Absolutely no nerves at all. The staff member that dealt with the huge tantrum at the gate the other day said basically the moment I was out of sight he stopped. Which makes me feel awful, like it's something to do with me.

I can't link the bedwetting or going back to waking to any change I can think of, it was odd. Possibly opening up after first lockdown?

This last particularly bad patch has followed his preschool booster, to the day. So I thought it was some discomfort that at first but as it has now been 3 or so weeks I assume it's just coincidence.

I was saying to DH last night I feel like he uses me as an outlet for his every emotion. So he needs to feel me all night when he is scared and it can't be anyone else. But when he is angry it's me he wants to hurt. The other day we went to play in a friends garden and he was so excited when he got there he ran full pelt and headbutted me between the legs for no reason at all. When told off, it was like he couldn't even hear me. It is so draining.

I've found this advice helpful too

It also comforts me to know that at this age my DH was so challenging he was referred to a psychiatrist and MIL said she was desperate, and he's fairly civilised and successful now!

@crazythrees that is comforting!

A friend did suggest a child psychologist the other day actually, which made me feel particularly fab.

It could be sensory issues, some autistic children present like this. Not trying to make you worry but if he has a sensory processing difference it isn't really bad behaviour so much as something he can't help and which helps to know (if it's that) because you use different tools to deal with it and it's easier to be patient if you know it's not naughtiness I think.
Sounds very difficult, I hope you find answers and ways to manage it soon

OP, is he the same way with his dad? It may be that he’s got some attachment issues with you - you say he was in your bed til he was 2, are you a SAHM?
I suggest DH has a few days off work and does the school run to see how he reacts when you’re not there. It could be that subconsciously you ‘give in’ to him more than others do hence the tantrums. You’ve had good advice on what to read up on, and my advice is to decide what strategies to put in place with your DH and stick to them. Your ds needs to know that you’re in charge! If you see no change in him after a few weeks, then speak to your health visitor or GP.

But also ask this covid disruptions has made their little lives such a weird place for many and it represents such a massive percentage of their lives, so it could just be confusion of the familiar become unpredictable manifesting itself in which case time will heal.

I sounds like he needs to be seen by the Gp. Is he having bone pain? he shouldn't be exhausted all the time at this age. Sometimes low iron can have these signs including the increased irritability and increased waking in the night. Of course it could be behavioural but It may be worth just getting a review and some basic blood tests to make sure nothing else is going in.

@nameisnotimportant

I sounds like he needs to be seen by the Gp. Is he having bone pain? he shouldn't be exhausted all the time at this age. Sometimes low iron can have these signs including the increased irritability and increased waking in the night. Of course it could be behavioural but It may be worth just getting a review and some basic blood tests to make sure nothing else is going in.

Actually this is good advice too, I meant to comment on you saying that he complains of pain when walking. My DD is nearly three and having investigations for complaining of persistent knee pain and she's not an amazing walker either. She's had an XRay so far which didn't show anything and we are waiting for blood tests and likely another repeat XRay. I would definitely mention this to the GP, it is worth investigating. Symptoms in young children can seem inconsistent or sporadic, this can sometimes be things like juvenile arthritis - or could be nothing at all, but worth getting checked.

Can you drop him to preschool first and pick him up last? Just to reduce occasions for conflict!

Ah, hope you are OK OP? I too have a 3.5 year old boy and some days he is an angel and other days he is extremely hard work.

Firstly, its been 3 weeks since his booster jab, just to let you know they can have a reaction 3 weeks after jab, which can make them poorly. My son was off about 3 weeks after his.

I agree with the co-sleeping, do whatever you heed to get sleep for you both. If he is not sleeping enough he will become bad tempered. Don't worry about having him in your bed, he needs the comfort from you. You need the sleep to have the strength to manage him, so just go for the co-sleeping.

My 3.5 year old potty trained in the day just before 2.5. I took his pull ups off a few months after this at night. However I do put him on the potty twice during the night. I am up with my second son so I do this and am know putting children on the potty at night or toilet is not done by everyone. I find this helps him sleep on a bit in the morning. Don't get me wrong, we are still up before 6.30 but he has empied his bladder and therefore more comfortable and no wet bed.

We are our sons outlets, mine gets very frustrated too and does headbut too. They are still so little and getting used to the world around them, we need to help them with their emotions. Hopefully if you can manage a bit more sleep yourself you will feel stronger. I know I feel more able to deal with the outbursts if I am less tired. He doesn't need a child psychologist he just needs you. Good luck, we can do it!

@chocolatetrifle Thank you for your words of support! Thanks for advice about sleeping and toileting. I'm not really ok to be honest, I feel like I'm in the hardest yards of parenting so far. My daughter was hard at 3 but I felt like our relationship was strong.

I feel like something has gone wrong with my relationship with DS somewhere and like a total failure as a parent. I appreciate the advice and it is interesting to know the jabs could still be affecting him because I feel I don't know this boy at all at the moment.

Yesterday in the car he calmly said, out of nowhere "I don't like you mummy". I was shocked and asked him what he said, as I thought I had misheard. He repeated that one phrase over and over. I ended up shouting at him to stop and that he was hurting my feelings, made no difference. But then I also can't sit down without him on top of me cuddling me, holding me all night long. He will often cuddle me much too hard and I will say "DS that hurts, please let go" and he will completely ignore, sometimes just squeezing tighter until I have to physically pull his arms off me. He broke my sunglasses this way recently, as he had his arms wrapped around my whole head squeezing. It's almost like he doesn't see me as a person in my own right.

I feel I should add I'm quite good with kids. I'm a primary school teacher and I've managed to produce a 5 year old who although has her moments is generally a kind, well behaved child. But I am totally broken by DS and unable to actually strategise any more when it comes to his behaviour so just muddle through in exhausted chaos.

I think I will ask a gp. Another thing which may or may not be relevant is that he has eczema all over him at the moment which has steadily worsened over the last few months. He says it doesn't hurt or itch but is all over his abdomen and creases in arms/ legs. I just wonder if this is indicative of some change in his body.

With the legs, his keyworker commented that sometimes his feet and knees turn inwards when he is tired. I felt bad as I have never noticed and have looked for it since but can't see it. I did wonder though if there was a weakness there we had missed that could explain the reluctance to walk. So I do think maybe this is worth investigating.

To answer other questions, he isn't much better with dad. But Dh works long hours and never does school runs and tbh has no idea how hard any of this is or experienced a completely out of control toddler plus 5 year old on 2 school runs. Also because DH is big he can easily pick DS up and plonk him on his shoulder and diffuse things that way, as he loves that. I am a small person and DS weighs 18kg. When he's out of control I really struggle. I need to have him under proper control.

Nothing to be done with school run timings unfortunately! Has to be done in the order I do it.

Thanks so much everyone.

Ah OP, totally with you. My 3.5 year old is really testing me too some days too so please be reassured its not just you. I'm thinking its just their age and a boy thing and some children can be more wilful than others. My DS says similar things so please don't worry. Sometimes I don't think they know what they are saying. I read that they act up mostly for their primary caregiver too. They don't know their own strength too! Can you get a break? Even a few hours by yourself just to recharge?

Definitely ask the gp about his excema as he could be being irritated by it. I don't know anything about his feet pointing inwards but maybe that's just something he does when he is tired, a comfort thing. Your gp will be able to reassure you.

Just to add my son jumps all over us too and I honestly do think they see us and extension of themselves. I think my 3.5 year old is wild at times but when I'm not as tired and calmer I realise that's just him and his personality. He too squeezes and pulls at me and pulls my hair etc but I think that's his way of showing affection. Feel free to PM me anytime. Sounds like we have sons with similar personalities and they are at the same developmental stage x

Also sorry to add again but just want to add some info which may reassure you, my son insists my husband gives him piggy backs rather than walking at times, its almost like he just can't be bothered to walk!

And again! My son pulls my glasses off too and will hit me on the head too if he doesn't like something. I'm just calmly saying we don't do that and hope he will learn.