What's 50-50 parenting really like?

[halftime]

NC for this as I am very early in the process of getting my ducks in a row and wouldn't want anyone IRL to put two and two together.

Thinking of separating from DH. No major issues, no affairs, just a need to be my own person again. We've always said we'd do 50-50 if we split, and it's very common among our separated peers. But I just don't know if I could handle not having my children for a week at a time (between 6 and 14 if that makes a difference).

Ideally I'd do LAT--just have my own house and not split up, so we wouldn't have to be rigid with which parent had which week, but I can't help thinking that even suggesting living apart would eventually lead to splitting anyway. Not to mention that it would be just as financially disastrous as separating.

If you or someone you know does 50-50, how do they and the children cope with the long separations? I know not seeing parents/children for days or even weeks on end is the norm for some families (military or firemen or other work reasons) but both DH and I have very flexible work schedules and pre-Covid were around/at home/available a lot more than average, so it would be a big change.

OP, we do 50-50 but there are no long separations. He lives a few minutes away and she tends to see both of us each day, or 24-36 hours at one place then swaps again. We get on very well so it's very flexible, based on our schedules and her mood/ preference.... Our DD sees the two properties pretty much like an extension of each other. During the holidays she might go on holiday with one of us for 1-2 weeks then swap to the other. She would normally connect with the other on FaceTime miss days when away.

I think it's good for her. I also love it. I get a rest and personal adult time when she is not here- which allows me to have more attention and energy when she is here.

Thanks, BraveGoldie, it's good to hear of different models. We wouldn't be far away, but probably not walking distance, although I would be in walking distance of the younger ones' school.

We are the same as @BraveGoldie but have swapped from 24-36 hrs switch to half the week each. Also just around the corner and v flexible when things come up. DC struggles sometimes as can't understand why we can't live together as we all get on so well (XH will also babysit my youngest DC) but we can all pull together to make sure for him that special occasions are happy, day to day would be very different. All in all, much better than the EOW horror stories you hear of...

Can you seperate in the same household? Each of you having your own rooms/lives and living like roommates?

Thanks dreams. The people I know all do a full week at a time, swapping after a shorter time sounds much better.

I had thought about that, Creepy, but I actually hate the house and he won't even consider moving, which is another factor.

We do 4/3 3/4. Works well for us and has for 5 years. Many many options that are not one week on one week off.

We both get time to focus on work in the week and pull a couple of longer days. And we alternate weekends. So everyone gets a share of fun times and homework and vegetables times. Children transition well. We find changeover on school days helps-one drops off and one picks up. And we have minimal items move between houses.

We live very nearby and are flexible. Dad will come along and watch DS play football on my weekend and offer to help with lifts etc.

Its a journey though-you dont reach utopia on day one.

It takes a long time to settle into the child free time. I had to be frenetically busy at first. But now i can settle into and enjoy the silence. It means i am well rested and organised for when they return. It means they have my full attention and don't have to do boring stuff like come to the supermarket with me etc as i do it all when they aren't here. I think i am a better more patient parent now as a result.

@anxietyanonymous I agree with this. I definitely now make the most of DC free time and can be a lot more patient!

This is all sounding very promising. I really don't know why other options didn't occur to me before!

I have a friend who has 50:50 arrangement with her ex which has worked really well. She has the children every Monday and Tuesday, he has every Wednesday and Thursday and then every other weekend. It makes clubs and after school activities easier, as nights are the same each week, and it's not a full week between contact.

Yeah OP- if it is possible to maintain cordial, collaborative coparenting- both focussed on the kids it is so hugely beneficial to them and you. Totally understand this is impossible for some, but if possible I think in some ways it's better for the kids than the parents being married!

As we both have really good, loving, stable partners, My DD has four adults in her life who are there for her- who all get on and help protect her and have a good life.

The households feel different and are different - so she benefits from both, learns different things in both places and has somewhere to escape the pressures/ pains of either place!

And if everybody is secure in being respected, then it allows for huge flexibility which makes parents' lives so much easier... it was my and my DP's anniversary yesterday. Ex took DD for the whole thing and wished us both a lovely day. He had to get his vaccine a couple of days ago, so DD was with me. Baking and Maths homework tend to be my shtick. Music practice and history are his! My DP is great at teaching her practical things like woodwork Etc..... There is zero ego involved. We both want each other to have a good life and are very focussed on DD's experience.

As someone else said, it's a journey.... for me it was an awful divorce because Ex's partner was the OW. But my North Star was always creating this for my DD. So many of the sacrifices children make in divorce don't actually need to be if both partners are willing to put in the emotional work.

Thanks BraveGoldie, what a lovely post. You sound remarkable! Did you read any useful books before or during the process? Always like to do some research.

I was 50/50 parented if that helps! I HATED week/2 weeks at a time and really struggled with the changeovers. I recall having horrible anxiety and meltdowns come the weekend. 2/3 days at a time worked so much better in the end.

Oh thanks @halftime I am also a book reader (started reading books on helping children through divorce just after giving up the reading on 'how to survive an affair'. ). Honestly most of the books written for adults I found so depressing - telling you how bad it was for children. I think some of them were written by people who believed in never getting divorced! There are a lot of good books out there for kids themselves, to help them feel and accept their emotions though.

The main influence from the adult books I read were to make me more determined to avoid the emotional costs of divorce for the kids. There is a huge list of shit kids tend to have to deal with. A few you really don't have control of- such as a parent moving out of the house. Some you have limited control of but your decisions can make a positive difference (financial strain/ possibly having to move house themselves). Some you really have a ton of control of: losing time and emotional connection with one or both parents; seeing parents fighting; feeling torn between parents and needing to take a side; being used as messenger; hearing bad things about their parents from each other; being used to control or win contests between parents; blaming themselves for the break down; etc etc....

I vowed to do everything in my power to avoid all the things I could control. That meant real hard choices every day - including getting my emotional shit handled well through therapy so I could be a mother who was a 'well' presence. Doing everything in my power to make it easy and pleasurable for ex to maintain his relationship and time with dd. Helping him think through ways to get her comfortable staying at his place (midnight feast first night was my brilliant idea!😁)... And allowing, even encouraging dd to have a positive relationship with OW. (Dd has no idea either dad or she did anything wrong... now she is getting older I wonder if she will ever ask...?))

You can't of course control everything your ex does, but in most cases, you get back what you put in. It's a virtuous upward spiral.

I've seen the exact opposite downwards spiral so many times for children and it is utterly tragic. 😔