Can’t take my 2.5 year old anywhere- feeling isolated.

[Stressedtoddlermum]

Hi, posting for some advice on whether this is just another phase we need to get through or there is something we can do to help with this behaviour.

So my little girl is 3 in July. Very difficult baby but we seemed to have quite a nice phase from about 20 months to 2.5!

She is generally very loving, very polite, loves to play with her babies. Even nursery have said what a lovely big sister she will be because she is so kind and caring towards other children (we are due twins in July- august!).

The problem I have is, I just can’t take her anywhere. She won’t walk, the buggy just ends up in an awful tantrum. If I drive to the park, she’ll play nicely but getting her to leave is so bad even if we stay for ages - she will run off and I will physically have to carry her which I can’t really do right now.

She goes to nursery 3 days a week, but on my days with her I find it so difficult and stressful to take her anywhere that we just stay home where she is happy. We are lucky that we have a lovely big house and garden but after recently moving to a new village with no friends/ family close by I am feeling very isolated as I also work from home.

Today all I wanted to do is take a short walk to the post office, I couldn’t even do that with her we had to come home. I’ve ended up in tears. I just feel like such a failure and with the pregnancy it is quite debilitating.

How will I ever leave the house with twins and 3 year old DD? I’m so worried for the future as her behaviour is getting worse not better as we approach age 3!

My then 3 year old went through a stage of this. I just had to pick her up like a rugby ball and carry her away from the park or wherever, while trying to appear cool but inwardly crying with shame. Obviously that's tricky in your condition :(
As the saying goes "if you're going through hell, keep going".

Had exactly this with my first child from 2.5-3. His sister was born when he was 2.5 so I thought it was that but having seen friends go through it I now think it was just his age. I had many moments where I had to attempt the rugby ball carry with newborn in the sling! My only solution was to use the buggy and just strap him into it. Maybe you could have the option of one twin in a sling and your eldest could go in buggy at a push? Also by the time the babies are here hopefully the worst will have passed. You could always up her nursery days at the beginning.

I used to keep a steady supply of mini lollipops in my bag for this exact reason.

Little treat for walking nicely/leaving nicely which also last a while- longer than any other treat or snack. Worked for me until he grew out of that stage.

Reins may help with the running off.

I wouldn't worry about tantrums in the buggy. Explain that if she isn't old enough to walk properly, she will ahve to go in the buggy like a baby. Strap her in and let her scream.

For things like the park, do you give her warning of leaving? eg you can have one more go on the slide and then then we will have to go because .... If there is a purpose for leaving - the library will be closed, the shop will have sold out of whatever, there won't be time for lunch, she will miss Peppa Pig etc, she may be more willing to leave.

If she is refusing to walk, just ignore. IF it is safe to do so eg in the park, just say that you're going home and start to walk off. If it is walking along the road, just stop and wait, but ignore the behaviour. Don't look at her (obviously watch her so she doesn't run off, but just out of the corner of your eye). After a couple of minutes just say it's time to go. Make sure you are praising her when she does walk nicely or leaves on time etc.

I'm also carrying mine like a rugby ball every couple of days at the moment. She'll just randomly decide she's not getting out of the car when we get home or whatever takes her fancy.

I'm also using bribery a lot which isn't great but needs must.

Would she go in a trike? Mine won't go in the buggy anymore but she will be pushed (and strapped into) a trike for walking to the shop or post office etc.

Has she got a scooter? Might work.

Little treat for walking nicely/leaving nicely which also last a while- longer than any other treat or snack. Worked for me until he grew out of that stage

I do this, only at the playpark where DD is a nightmare leaving. Needs must.

When the babies are here you could take them to baby groups while she's at nursery? Will give you a chance to meet some friends and that could hopefully lead to playdates, they can come to you and you won't have to go out.

We moved just as DD turned one and I was lucky to meet a friend at a library rhyme time just before covid hit. It is isolating being in a new place with young children.

I have never had twins but will say i have always found being pregnant with a toddler harder than having a newborn and a toddler. Pregnancy just takes so much from you

Mine is the same age and has a will of steel. The only way of getting her to stop doing something she is enjoying, play park, bath etc... is to pick her up and move her (normally kicking and screaming) or bribery.

For going out and about, she does 2 school runs a day for older DC, she uses a scooter or balance bike.

Thank you some lovely comments and advice.

I’ve tried giving her warnings etc. before leaving the park, and also setting a timer on my phone. But no luck! I am definitely not adverse to bribery. Although it has backfired as she was constantly demanding Percy pigs for everything and then we got more tantrums.

Might dig the trike out again actually, we had one in the garage but forgot about it. The only problem we’ve had with that before is she can physically get out of it and we’ve been stuck with a tantrumming toddler that won’t walk and a trike to push. She had a scooter but isn’t interested in that at the moment which is annoying!

I do want to be a Mum who just gets on with it, straps her into the buggy even if she’s having a meltdown. But it’s so hard because she can pretty much get out of it and gets hysterical. She had a lot of problems with colic and stuff as a baby. I would take her places, meet NCT friends and stuff, and she would do that awful high pitched inconsolable scream and I’d get the stares and be stuck away from home with pram etc. So I think I have a bit of ptsd with that!

It just seems to be hard to find the mental and physical energy to push through. I wish I was more of a practical person, I think I’m the Mum who makes parenting look hard! It’s a lot easier on the weekends when Dh is around, she is still a handful but we can manage to do more.

Not sure if I just need to be prepared to stay at home for a while and plan some more activities to do together. I’m just sad as I want to spend some quality time together doing things before the new babies arrive.

@Vooga

Little treat for walking nicely/leaving nicely which also last a while- longer than any other treat or snack. Worked for me until he grew out of that stage

I do this, only at the playpark where DD is a nightmare leaving. Needs must.

When the babies are here you could take them to baby groups while she's at nursery? Will give you a chance to meet some friends and that could hopefully lead to playdates, they can come to you and you won't have to go out.

We moved just as DD turned one and I was lucky to meet a friend at a library rhyme time just before covid hit. It is isolating being in a new place with young children.

Yes definitely keeping her in nursery for the 30 hours when I’m on mat leave . It’s a lovely village and I’m sure there are baby groups and things I could join. Just hoping we have nice calm babies this time around... otherwise things will become so much worse! A bit terrified to be honest!

No advice but just to say we are in a very similar boat with a nearly 3 year old dd. I had heard from lots of people it gets a bit easier at 3 but our dd is getting worse in terms of behaviour too

You can try some reward sticker system- for example if she earns 5 she can choose something from reward box ( filled with some little treats or little toys- depending on your choice or what she likes).
Worked for mine dc.

Try to be as much consistent as you can, I know it's hard at some times, but eventually she'll learn that there's no other way.

Praise her a lot.

Count downs and bribery. Say Emma we are going in 10 minutes, then Emma we are going in 5 minutes and hen last turn Emma. Followed by time to go and sit in the buggy and have a snack. The book how to talk so little ones listen is good.

Remember the things that you find difficult about your toddler you will admire when she is an adult. When she knows her own mind and has strong boundaries and as an adult.

DC1 was v much like this, I just shoved them in a pushchair, often wailing! Didn’t do them any obvious harm (now a teen!)

Just wanted to say thanks for the help and suggestions on the thread!

We actually had a great day the other day. She walked all the way to the post office with me, I got her a giant bag of sweets and we shared them on the way back. It seems really silly but this felt like a big win for me, being pregnant and unable to carry her or anything! She walked so nicely and it felt good to be out getting fresh air even if there was some bribery involved.

Someone suggested just waiting a minute if she falls to the floor/ refuses to walk etc. and that worked! I just casually waited and didn’t nag her/ escalate it then she followed me. Seems simple but I think me being as relaxed as possible helps.

I think because I only have her 2 full days by myself with working it has meant I don’t get lots of time with her to build confidence as a Mum so I’m going to work on that.

@Thatwentbadly I definitely agree, she is a bit of a diva and strong willed but I love that about her. Even nursery say what a character she is and I’m very proud of her. Just need to remember that when we have a bad day!

Well done! When my 2 had tantrums I would say OK, I'm going to wait here and when you're done we'll have a hug. Then I would ignore them. A couple of minutes later and they'd calm down. I also think it's best not to describe their behaviour to them or in front of them e.g. you're having a tantrum, I can't do that or she'll have a tantrum. They can hear you and they start to think that's their role so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Sounds like you're doing well.