Am I bad father for disciplining my kids like this

[maquisdesade]

I'm a middle aged dad, we have 2 children. I have always found my wife to be quite weak in terms of boundaries with the children. She is not very assertive and ultimately just loses her rag with the children if things go too far. I prefer to be more assertive but it's very hard to do this as I constantly feel like the bad cop.

As an example today.
Older child (11) hurt younger child either by accident or usually through being deliberately careless when he is bored and frustrated. I told him to be more careful and apologise. Older child looks right at me and says "no, you silly old man" and walks off.
I go after older child and say "that's not acceptable, you are not allowed to use the iPad today". There are no other sanctions that he cares about. Then follows a big hissy fit. After this I find him watching the iPad or his mothers phone. She always just lets him have it. Not only am I undermined and feeing like the bad guy, but when wife is in a bad mood she will use it against me by saying "you're a controlling father, telling the kids they can't have their tablets just because they've done something.

I should say that I take a lot of time in engaging with kids hobbies and trying to have fun with them but the older one just seems to regard me as a nasty person and his mother the one who provides everything for him.

What do you people do, should I just let my child talk to me like this?

No you shouldn't. You'd asked him to apologise for hurting his sibling. He should have done so. Instead he answers back and is cheeky to you. So you were right to impose a consequence. You need to have a chat with your wife and agree on consequences that you will both stick to. Seems like she just wants an easy life and will let them away with things, which is not a good idea.

Your wife is a lazy parent, you need to be on the same page otherwise your kids will carry on running rings around you.

Instead of withdrawing the iPad why not withdrawn the fun sessions you do with him or take him to?

Have a frank talk later without the dc in earshot.
Explain parenting needs you both on the same page. Or your marriage is in crisis. Tell her you won't be the Bad Cop for trying to instill some values into your dc. Have a tech free day every week and do something fun as a family.. Dc do need tech scaling back at times.

It's easy when they're 11 and smaller than her, tell her the way she's going she'll have six foot strapping son who will use his size to intimidate her and when it's the set dynamic of her giving in and you being the only one parenting your family will fall apart. Your son will behave horrendously and you will resent her for allowing it to happen.

Your wife sounds like she's happy being a doormat for your child. No wonder they show you no respect when she doesn't back you up, you need to sort that out.
I'm the stricter parent overall but hubby likes to disable or remove technology quite quickly. Sometimes we think the other one is being a bit harsh in their punishment but don't let the kids know that.

Weak parenting really winds me up, it does children no favours at all. Obviously we only have one side of the story but if that's all there is to it she needs to up her game to avoid bringing up spolit brats with no respect

I’m guessing your wife thinks that if she is a stronger parent rather than the kids ‘friend’ that they won’t love her any more.

Lots of people spoil kids like that so they ‘love me’. It’s crazy because they need boundaries. The world has boundaries. Learning that at an early age is sensible and prepares them for adulthood.

However I reckon that if I asked her she would say you’re too harsh with them.

It’s apparently quite common. One parent overcompensates for the other.

The two of you need to talk and work out what’s is acceptable and what is not, what fair punishments are, and what the punishment is for playing one parent off against the other (ie “but dad said I could do xyz” when dad said nothing or the sort. Etc.

The fact you’re not communicating well could indicate deeper feelings too. How’s your relationship in general? Do you expect her to do everything? Do you fully participate in family chores etc? I’m just wondering if she is doing too much and is knackered and that could mean she just doesn’t have the energy to impose sanctions in naughty kids or uphold them.

It's a pity we can't hear her side of the argument. If she feels that you're a "controlling father" (why does she feel that way? Purely because of pretty standard removal-of-tech punishments?) perhaps she is overcompensating by being too lenient.

Obviously with the little information you've posted, most of the replies are going to confirm that she's a shit mother and you're doing everything right. I'm not sure how useful that is.

Thanks for your replies

Nothing wrong with what you did.
She will regret her lazy parenting as he gets older.

@sadpapercourtesan

It's a pity we can't hear her side of the argument. If she feels that you're a "controlling father" (why does she feel that way? Purely because of pretty standard removal-of-tech punishments?) perhaps she is overcompensating by being too lenient.

Obviously with the little information you've posted, most of the replies are going to confirm that she's a shit mother and you're doing everything right. I'm not sure how useful that is.

@sadpapercourtesan

You are absolutely right.
This is the problem with posting something in response to a specific issue going on in our lives. It's often symptomatic of the big picture. And there are real problems with the big picture. As someone said earlier in this thread, a marriage crisis. That's what I really need to focus on as it's making me deeply unhappy and affecting the parenting of our children.

no , sound firm and assertive , im a single parent and i try to be firm with my dd but seriously its hard when faced with a wobbly , if i was married to you i think id be quite happy with a bit of firm back up lol

You need to sit down at a time that suits you both when the kids arent there and discuss your marriage and everything. Calmly. Respectfully. Without either one telling the other how that person should feel.

Perhaps there are changes which could be made that would help the relationship before you both call it a day and separate.

I sympathise, OP. I don't agree with a pp saying withdraw the time you spend with your child or the activities you do, as punishment instead of ipad. I don't think that will endear him to you and may just break the already-shaky bond you seem to have with him.

I agree the issue is first between you and your wife. Sit-down conversation getting to understand where each other is coming from (Why does she think you're controlling/Why do you think she's weak, what can you both do about it - that sort of thing); and therapy if necessary so you both can see things from a different pov if you can't agree.

Then agreeing and parenting your children while on the same page.