Everything is so hard

[RaeRaeMama]

My baby is two months and I'm breastfeeding.

I've been really lucky that my partner was with us for the first 4 weeks on furlough, then he went back part time and is now full time.

We have a dog and I walk her first thing for half an hour, my partner needs to be out of the house by 7:50am so it's an early start. It gives him some time alone with our daughter as well, before having to go to work.

I get back and try to grab breakfast to bring upstairs with me, but it doesn't always work out. There isn't a lot of time in the mornings.

I then start feeding my daughter again but sometimes it's hard to actually get up to started getting dressed etc. I feel so ugly and none of my clothes fit me, I try to make myself look better but honestly? It's the bare minimum, like putting jeans on rather than joggers.

This morning it took me almost three hours to get back downstairs, the poor dog was sat all in her own until then. She's a very active dog and not used to spending so much time inside.

We have a field across from our house so I want to get the Pram and go out to throw the ball for the dog.

DD just had her first set of vaccinations yesterday morning and isn't herself today either, I was up with her all night, this disturbed my partner too.

My house just feels like it's a mess. My partner managed to hoover on Sunday, I gave the bathroom a thorough clean but that's it. All I ever manage is washing clothes (even after I do that there's the challenge of one of us putting it away) and doing the dishwasher (thank goodness we have one) - keeping things fairly tidy but with a dog and two cats in a two bed... it's not great.

My mother keeps trying to guilt me into coming over for Sunday lunch, now restaurants are open outside she's trying to book somewhere at one of those now too. But my baby feeds constantly and I don't feel comfortable feeding in front of my dad. I've told her this probably 10 times. She breastfed me but only for a few weeks and ended up combi feeding then formula very quickly, so she doesn't really understand. I have been over to see her maybe once a week.

I am feeling so lonely and overwhelmed. I feel like I am existing and not living. Because of covid I have spent many months in this house already and even now everything is opening up I still feel trapped.

I just wanted to know if anyone else feels like this? Or am I alone?

I felt so incapable of doing anything till baby was about 12 weeks and he was content to play by himself for a bit. I also got a sling and then could do more and he was happy to be carried around and see what I was doing. Until then don't expect to be able to do anything.....screw the cleaning, who cares what you wear, and it's too early to worry about your weight. Enjoy just slobbing with your baby and things will get easier soon xx

You aren't alone. try to make peace with the fact that some things have to give when you have a newborn. Often that's house work and probably also the dog. Ask for help or pay for it if you can- get your DH to do some jobs in the evening at at weekends or your mum to push the hoover round or get a cleaner. The dog will be ok for a short time whilst you're all adjusting to being a new family.

In terms of getting out of the house it's tricky and stressful at first but it is possible. Try packing your bag the night before or writing a list of what you need. Slings or wraps can be easier than a pram if you want to walk somewhere.

If you want to continue breastfeeding then you will need to get used to feeding in public unless you never go out which isn't a good option for your mental health. A large Muslin can be used to cover your boobs if you feel awkward or you can turn away or walk away from the table whilst baby latches then come back to sit down so no-one will see your nipples.

Having a newborn is a massive transition and exhausting but you will get through it.

In terms of how you look I know how you feel. Breastfeeding and walking will help your baby weight to fall off quickly. Until then treat yourself to some new clothes that actually do fit and make you feel ok with your new body shape. Book yourself in to get your nails done and take your baby with you or better still take both her and DH and then let them go for a walk whilst you're in the salon so you can have some alone time but know she isn't far away if she needs you.

You’re two months in, please be kind to yourself!

You got up and walked the dog by 7am. Much respect to you after a rotten night with the baby. You are doing well, but I'd prioritise you. Turn your mother down as it's an extra hassle you don't need. I keep high protein yoghurt pouches in the fridge so I can grab one as a quick breakfast (and my youngest is 2!). With those, you could have taken one upstairs with you.

your house is fine.You have clean plates and pants and a clean loo, that's sufficient. If baby naps, put on a wash and sleep yourself while it washes. Prioritise you sleeping and resting over any other tasks. It will help your mental health hugely.

Your baby is still so tiny. It will get easier soon. Definitely don't worry about the house being a mess!

If you go to your mum's for lunch, could you breastfeed in a different room so you don't feel uncomfortable? Definitely say no to a restaurant, that's no fun when you're still feeding a lot. It will be easier when she is feeding less often.

You’re doing so well OP - but with a newborn it’s just very hard. I promise it does get easier with time - in a month things will already have started to fall more into place

Very normal unfortunately OP but it does get easier. You definitely need to figure out BF outside though or you’ll go mad not getting out. I used to do a top over a vest so pull vest down and top up and “slip the nip” which doesn’t show much, + large muslin or light scarf if you feel you need it. And don’t worry about your weight right now! You’ve just had a baby, cut yourself some slack x

I found weeks 6-10 really hard. I felt like I should be doing more but just couldn’t, the baby cried a lot and breastfeeding and naps seemed a never ending cycle! She cried in the car, she cried in the pram - it was exhausting! BUT it did get easier after 10 weeks and she’s 5 months now and is an absolute dream (most of the time!)
Can you walk the dog with the baby so that you can spend the morning enjoying breakfast and getting dressed? I found that if I had dressed myself and the baby before her first feed and nap then the day seemed to work slightly better!
Don’t worry about the house, mine is mostly a shit tip (but again, getting better!). As long as you’re eating reasonably well, washing your clothes (and it’s fine if they then live in the clean laundry basket!) and the dog walks enough not to drive you bonkers in the house then you’re doing great!
With the breastfeeding, do you have any clothes that are quite discreet? I have jumpers from Milky tee and Juno Jacks and I feel less exposed wearing them. I also often just go to a quiet place for her to latch on but I’m something I’m getting used to doing in public too, it’s nothing to be ashamed of but I know it does feel a bit odd when it’s new!

I'll tell you what, and it's probably not helpful, but the best thing you can do for your own well-being at this time, is politely tell your mother to do one. In hindsight, I wish I had had the guts to tell my MIL to bloody well leave me alone while I was trying to breastfeed, look after toddlers, dogs, house, her son.... unless of course they want to alleviate you of a few children or a dog for a few hours.

You don't need pressure from people that seem to unwittingly constantly try to make everything about themselves.

The last thing I'd want to do right now is sit in a freezing cold pub garden/restaurant garden, while a crumby basket meal got cold in front of me, with a baby constantly trying to get at my boobs, snuffling at me like a pig after truffles....

Totally agree with @LadyOfTheFlowers

And also, your best is good enough. It always has been and it always will be. You're doing fine.

Your baby is 2 months.

Mine is 11 months. I lost the weight pretty quick, but I have literally just bought myself new fitted jeans to wear, at 2 months it was not comfy in jeans.

It’s seems a lot to be up and out and back by 7.30am. Would it not be better if your dh took the dog out first thing? I would suggest is baby is asleep he takes dog and you spend that 30 mins resting or having shower and ready. If baby is awake, give quick feed and he can take baby in sling on dog walk whilst you have 30 mins peace. Either way, that seems the ideal time for you to have shower and ready.

Dog down with just a quick daytime walk so your back to feed for now, the weather will warm up in the next few weeks and then feeding on a bench isn’t so bad, and they don’t feed quite as often as time goes on

Do what your comfortable with re your mother, I would t fancy meeting up outside if it’s freezing with baby, so suggest a walk when baby is bundled up or waiting until May/June for beer garden

Also cleaning is fine to leave, clean plates and clothing and dh run hoover around at weekend and 5 min bathroom surface wipe is fine. Your house won’t go from tidy to horders mess in a few months of just daily general maintenance clean and no deep cleaning

Again, mine is much older but still have write off days. Today has been semi productive, yesterday his teething kept him clingy and feeding all day

I’ve said it before but never a truer statement than:

Looking after a baby is easy; trying to do anything else at the same time is hard.

Give yourself a break OP, this is a time in your life where the only thing you need to do is keep baby and yourself safe warm and fed.

Pay a dog Walker - even once or twice a week would be beneficial.
Take baby in their Moses basket or swing seat into the bathroom with you and have a shower.
Put some baby music videos on your tablet for baby for 10 mins whilst you throw some make up on.
Pull out all the comfy clothes you like and that feel ok on your body and live in these, don’t look at the jeans in the wardrobe - you’ll get back into them eventually, not is not the time to worry!
Treat yourself to a couple of new bits, comfy tshirts or soft hoodies that feel and look nice.
Use the time whilst you are breastfeeding to watch YouTube videos of things that make you feel good - whatever that might be. Or listen to podcasts or read. Use headphones if you don’t want to disturb baby.
Use a carrier if you have one, gives you back both hands and babies tend to sleep once they are next to your body in one.

In summary, find small ways to enjoy self care in the day. Don’t put pressure on yourself to live the life you had before baby, you simply can’t achieve the same level of productivity when you have a demanded baby screaming for cuddles and food 24/7.
It’s ok to not get things done, you will get that life back I promise; there is no rush to do it all.

You're definitely not alone.

You are adjusting to a major change!

Your standards of tidiness and what constitutes a good night's sleep may change drastically, at least for the time being.

Have you got a sling/baby carrier you could use to make it easier to take the baby and dog out together?

Also, some women manage to feed in the sling - it's worth a try to save a lot of faff!

@LadyOfTheFlowers

And also, your best is good enough. It always has been and it always will be. You're doing fine.

Exactly!

Stop thinking you need to do more, be more. Baby and you are equal priority and anything else, especially MIL and pub gardens can and should wait

Probably the main thing I've learned from having a baby is sometimes you just need to go with the flow and if things are a mess then that's just how it has to be for a while. Do what you can with what you have that day but DO NOT beat yourself up about having a messy house or looking/feeling rubbish. I think most new mums feel like this and it's OK to feel like this. Things will get back to normal in time but just now enjoy cuddles with your baby on the sofa all day if that's what the day demands. I felt much better BF in public once I had BF clothes that I felt comfortable in. I completely get feeling awkward around your Dad - mine used to leave the room in the beginning but by the end he would sit next to me on the sofa and once even pat the baby's head! Weird as anything but it becomes normal eventually and you will build up courage with time. Also try practicing BF in front a mirror - it's actually really hard to see anything when you have the right clothes.
Could you suggest meeting for a coffee to begin with? I remember hating going for lunch with a newborn because I was still sore from my c-section and it was so uncomfortable feeding in a ridged chair but saying that it was really nice to see people. I would say definitely go out and see people - it will help you to feel better but don't feel like you have to go out for hours and hours. Start little and build up to lunch when you're ready. Your mum is probably just excited to see you all and isn't thinking - either that or she thinks it will be good for you to get out. My mum was always telling me to meet people for my mental health and really it did help!

OP you are so nearly at an easier stage. My baby is four months and is a bundle of giggles and smiles , sleeps through the night and can entertain herself with toys.
You are days away from an easier stage.
I totally get how you feel I was there too.
Don't feel pressured in to going anywhere or doing anything. Enjoy feeding your baby and being close.
Sod the house and let the dog upstairs with you if you need to from time to time .
Make life as easy as you can but look after yourself . I didn't and needed up really unwell and needing lots of rounds of antibiotics.
X

It is okay to not look your best. It is okay if the house is a bit of a mess. The dog will be fine waiting a little longer for her walks.

Truth is, parenting just is hard. You (as a couple) have hoovered and washed the bathroom - that's better than a lot of households with a young baby. Honestly if it weren't for my lovely mil mine wouldn't have had more than a cursory wipedown for months....

The only thing that sounds like it needs proactive fixing is your mum. Don't give reasons / excuses for not going out in a Sunday - you've already done that - just say instead "No, I won't be coming" or "No, I don't want to." Do you feel up to just telling her straight "I'm having a rough time at the moment and you are making it worse."? Of course she's under no obligation but it would be more usual for her to be going to yours to help with housework or look after baby so you can rest!

Sounds like you’re managing brilliantly.

It is hard, really hard, even when you aren’t in the middle of a global pandemic. But it slowly and gradually gets easier.

Be kind to yourself, cut yourself slack in every department, be your own cheerleader.

And definitely say to your mum that she can come over and help with the house and hold the baby while you rest.

Every time she pressurised you just say, “oh mum I’m not up to that but please can you come over and help while I catch up on sleep?” Every time.