I've been separated/divorced for a decade.
Surface pleasantries with exh but it's an effort on both sides.
I have our 3 (now 19, 16 and 12) pretty much all the time (always have - his choice to leave majority of parenting with me) and when lockdown isn't a thing, he will spend 36 hours a fortnight on average with them (forgive the pedantry, but I worked it out / and that's his much time he chooses, including a week in the summer). This is relevant to my query I think.
Dd (youngest) is very concerned that exH is using a lot of casually racist language when they are with him. My elder boys then seem to use this as perceived 'permission' to use similar language in a way that they don't (or which is at least moderated and discussed) at home. When she says 'that really makes me feel uncomfortable, please can you stop?' He his gf double down on the language and (according to her accounts) go out of their way to flex the fact that they can say what they like.
Dd is sad on two counts: her dad's obvious bigotry (I witnessed and was subjected to his family's racism and horribly intolerant attitudes - his family is - by his own admission - toxic, it's just that he has always chosen to turn a blind eye to) and also that, when she expresses discomfort, he, his gf and my boys appear to delight in goading her more. The boys I can deal with.
I was subjected to this stuff myself, growing up, and when married,
I've spoken to one of my boys (16 y/o) who just huffily admitted that yes, he did say stuff but 'he didn't mean anything' and I have been very clear that this is not acceptable.
I want to do right by my dd (and all my kids actually) but I also know that going in, all guns blazing, is not the right thing to do.
Am I wrong to expect that, for 36 hours every two weeks, he can rein in his ingrained racism (he's not unaware, he just thinks the words he uses aren't racist and that he should be allowed to 'say stuff in his own home').
For context, I've been on MN for a really long time and I know how threads like these can appear, but this is a genuine question.
I want to somehow raise the subject with my ex in a way that doesn't immediately result in an argument or an automatics 'BUT I DON'T DO THAT/oh here we go, Candy's complaining again' etc.'
Technically they don't have to see him at this age, if they don't want to, but I've always encouraged it. He hasn't seen them for 6 months because of Covid and this was only their 2nd weekend with him since October.
Eldest is 19, autistic and adhd. Just for context as to why he still chooses to visit.
Sorry for the essay, I could just really do with some perspective and possibly a stern talking to , if I just need to back off a bit.
I actually really don't know quite how to approach this. Helpful objectivity would be really welcome