When your friends have badly behaved kids!

[Isit2021yetplease]

My eldest is 4 so I'm only just approaching the stage where I think children can be deliberately naughty when they really know what they're doing...and what they should and should not be doing.
I think toddlers are a law unto themselves and are not rational, so appreciate they have no real sense of right or wrong.

My issue is I have a very good friend who I've been friends with since uni. We had kids at similar times. We have a very different attitude to discipline, which is fine, you do you etc. She is very lax, doesn't ever shout (which is a good thing - I could learn a lot from!) however, her kids are incredibly messy, disruptive and destructive. Her house is always a state, walls are drawn on, stains on the carpet etc, no one sits still for meals so food is everywhere. They're renovating shortly so she's been particularly casual about it all. I am not anal but I like a tidy house, and while kids can make a mess, I would certainly get extremely cross if one of my kids drew on a wall or carpet or deliberately broke something.

It hasn't really been an issue over the past year as obviously we've barely been allowed in each others houses, however now lowdown is easing they came round to the garden yesterday and I really saw the full force of this. Her kids had zero respect for my house / toys, they cannot be trusted anywhere out of sight as they are destructive, and even things like going in to use the toilet, there's a high chance they'll pull all the toilet roll off, clog the sink and leave the taps on etc. All deliberately - a 4 year old knows what they're doing. I've watched them deliberately knocked pictures off the wall before, told them not to, they've apologised, and then as soon as my back is turned they did it again.

She knows they're hard work, and will sit and say things like "oh i should go check on James as god knows where he is if he's gone inside etc..." but then sit there for a further 10 mins. I don't want to helicopter parent her kids but at the same time I was having heart palpitations about what they might be doing. She will ask them to stop something but in a very casual "come on james you know you don't do that" without any authority so obviously doesn't get anywhere. I would be mortified if my kids treated someone else's house like that.

It's such a good friend though and I don't want to upset her, and i love her company. I accept we parent differently, and that's fine when it isn't ruining my stuff! I don't want to not invite her over for fear of her kids, but how do you tackle things like this?

It doesn't help that my kids are somehow incredibly sensible - not through anything I"ve done - they just love rules and I would definitely trust them to respect people's houses and not worry about what they might be doing, so by comparison hers seem even crazier.

Do I just have to grin and bare it if I want to reciprocate invites at our place? Should I mention it? Is it ever ok to discipline someone else kids if they're doing something in your house which is destructive?

It's hard when friends have different parenting styles. Good advice all round to meet elsewhere and see your friend without the kids when you can.
My DH and I met up with a couple of his work friends and their kids, they were all good mates at work but oh my, very different values as parents. My DD literally sat open mouthed while two of the kids tore up and down in a cafe, chasing and wrestling each other. I sat open mouthed while the Dad of other couple got himself (only himself) a drink and a snack and sat down and left his partner to deal with a toddler and a very stroppy older child. Older child then also shouted at Mum for getting him the wrong food. Dad oblivious...
Meeting up did not become a regular thing!

@Beamur that reminds me of the time we went for a meal with Friend's and family. It was mortifying. So, so embarrassing.
DH and I are quite strict on behaviour (or were as it has paid off and we never need to tell our kids off at all now because the boundaries were set early on.) We've always gone for meals with the kids and haven't needed to do the iPad Peppa pig thing either but friends have very different restaurant expectations. DH and I pretty much got indigestion trying to control the table chaos somewhat. Friends DC (aged 8 and 10) not eating, spilling food everywhere, (which affected us as it was everywhere) swirling their hands round in their glasses of coke splashing it on the table and food, climbing under the table knocking us, getting up and going to the bathrooms every few minutes and generally making the meal horrendous as Friends looked at us as if we were Matilda's Mrs Trunchbull by asking them to stop splashing their drinks or to sit their asses down for 5 minutes. Our own kids were sat with their jaws on the floor and even they tried to control their counterparts. It took me ages to try and clear the table and floor somewhat so we could actually show our faces there again.

OP, if you do stick to meeting outside of your home, make sure it's properly outside or somewhere where the kids won't get you kicked out!