Partner working away from home for long periods of time regularly?

[KM38]

Hoping for advice from others who have been in a similar situation please? Or just anyone that can see this from an outsiders POV.
Currently on Mat leave after having our first DC and we’re starting to think about arrangements for when Mat leave ends.

DP works offshore all over Europe. Current normal shift pattern is 2 weeks away/2 weeks off. This can change at short notice (and often does) depending on company contracts and can be anything up to 8 weeks on/8 weeks off. I was working full time (6 days per in retail management) before having DS. Currently on SMP. No obligation to return as haven’t received any enhanced mat pay or anything. We can live comfortably on DPs salary.

We have 2 family members who would love to have DS for one day each per week when my mat leave ends which is incredibly helpful. Any other days would be paid childcare at £65 per day. We would need this childcare on weeks DP was away but not during his rest weeks at home - although we would still have to pay the paid childcare these weeks obviously to reserve DSs place.

My work will allow me to job share but I must do 4 days per week. Financially we do not need me to return to work - although for my own sanity I think I would like to work a couple of days a week. DP is happy for me to be a SAHM or go back to work PT - whatever I’m happy with. We both agree that with him being away for long periods of time, we’d rather I wasn’t working 6 days a week and having other people looking after DS. Financially it doesn’t work with me working and DP being home.

Our options seem to be:

• return 4 days per week. DS does 2 days with family and 2 days in paid childcare for 2 weeks then spends 2 weeks with DP being home (still paying for CC these weeks but DS not attending)
• me leaving that role and looking for something 2 days per week and using our family and DP only
• me staying at home with DS

Anyone in our situation, how do your DC cope with one parent being back and forward like this? DS is only 5 months but already he’s a bit “off” and unsettled for a couple of days when DP comes home. Does this settle down or do you find that it gets worse as they get older? In which case maybe one parent being SAHP offers more stability?

My husband did this when my children were young.

My advice is keep any childcare consistent as children like routine and having two weeks at nursery, then dipping out cos your husband is home could be unsettling. He could pick them up early/shorten the days and he might just have to cook/clean and do admin during that time.

@MildredPuppy I did wonder about that myself if I’m honest. Although DP and I felt a bit odd about sending him to childcare when one parent would be in the house. Also might not be a bad thing to have him around other children as much as possible since he’s missed out on that so far during covid. We’ll definitely think about that option more. He’s on my 5m but I can already see him thriving on routine.
Do you mind me asking how old your DCs were when DH stopped working away?

*he’s only 5m

I chose to be a sahp. My oh has worked away for 14 years, is either away 3 weeks and home for one week, or only home a weekend a month. My eldest is always distraught when he first leaves but quickly settles down, she’s never seemed to miss him. My second doesn’t mind him leaving but misses him more and more as time goes on, she’s not too bad as long as he phones/FaceTimes her a few times a day. My youngest is now 4 and is getting more and more upset when he’s gone, to the point that we’ve decided that he’s going to stay home. He always worked away due to the money, he could be on anything up to 6 times the amount he could earn at home. But my youngest is starting school full time this December so I’m going back to work and we’ll learn to adjust. I don’t think any of them would have coped if I wasn’t a sahp.

He had a few different work paterns but when my youngest was 8 he stayed home more.
My children didnt really settle at nursery until it was very consistent.

My DH worked away about 3/8 weeks but it was very irregular, so 2 days here, 10 days there. Also at short notice.

When DS1 was little, I worked 3 days a week, 1 day nursery, 1 day my Dad, 1 day DH’s Dad childcare.

When DS2 came along I didn’t work for 18months as childcare cost more than my wages.

Then I went back 3 days a week. DS2 was 1 day DH mum, 1 day DH’s dad. 1 day childminder. DS1 was at nursery and then wrap around care.

Life became easier when DS2 started nursery and DS1 started school. As they both attended wrap at the school and went to DH’s dad’s for tea one day a week.

I didn’t change the pattern when DH was home

DC are 8 and 10 now and don’t bat an eyelid at DH being away.

TBH we didn’t know any different. With lockdown and DH being at home for a whole year we have had lots of Adjustments to make. Mostly about not getting our favourites that we eat when DH is away. I haven’t had a chicken Kiev in over a year!

@Insomnia5 That sounds like a really tough rotation that your OH works! I did think that it would probably affect children more as they get older. DP and I have been together 11 years and he’s worked away for 9 of them. He could take a large pay cut and go back to the job he did previously - but in that job he worked 5 days a week and was out the house 6.45am-7/8pm. On one hand, being away means he gets 2 weeks a month of quality family time every month which is amazing. Working back at home he’d see DS on weekends and on the odd evening he made it home for bedtime. But the coming and going for weeks at a time is tough on the DC.

I have no experience of this but if you're going to sacrifice or modify your career due to DP's working patterns have you considered marriage or civil partnership?

@eltsihT It can definitely be just as hard adjusting to them being home 😅 DP and I have found this too. It takes a bit of adjusting too, that’s for sure!

@helpmum2003 Absolutely 😊 we got engaged at the end of last year and will be married before the end of this year.