Can't do this anymore

[cannotdothis1]

My first post...

I am a mum of 2 little girls; aged 2.5 years and 8 months.

I loved being a mum of one; we were so close and spent a lot of time having fun. I worked out of the house 3.5 days a week and although it was hard being away from her I did like the balance.

Covid hit while I was pregnant and started working form home with no nursery which was difficult but it was ok. Had the baby and a horrible birth in which I nearly died- blood transfusions etc.

Since the baby I can't cope. I love her but she doesn't sleep. I have no time with the eldest, I'm working from home again but due back soon. My baby won't go to dh, she won't sleep in her bed, won't co sleep unless being held and at best sleeps for an hour or two each night. I'm exhausted and all I want to do is run away. I dream of walking and just keep walking. I'm cross all the time, crying and cannot stand DH. He suffers from depression and is ultimately lazy. I ask for help but he can't give it, Won't get up with them ever so is all down to me.

I spend each day counting down the minutes until bedtime and I can have some wine. I feel like the worst mother because I just don't love the baby as much as the toddler. I would never harm her and I look after her the best I can but what if she realises? I have asked people for help and they are willing to help in the day but not at night.

Will it get easier? Can't help feeling like my life is just a mistake

It will get easier but I think that you have a few things going on in your life which you need help with first.

Do you think you may have PNI? The anger, regret and wanting to go away all suggest that you might need some help with PNI. The PANDAS Helpline is open until 10 pm tonight. I really think it's worth you giving them a ring tonight and talk about how you are feeling and then talk to your GP on Monday.

Once you've sorted out some support for your own MH, I'd start with DC2's sleep. I found this book helpful.

Does DH know how you feel? This sounds like crises point and he needs to step up. I know he has depression but you really do need help. Does he know that you want to leave? What steps does he take to improve his own MH?

Thank you for replying to me.

I've rung them and left a message, thank you I had never heard of them before.

I've tried talking to him but he can't see past his own issues. He thinks I spoil the baby because I won't let her get into a state crying at night (I can't anyway because of the toddler and I don't want her being woken up).

I can't leave anyway; he wouldn't cope. And I know it sounds awful, and I feel awful for even thinking it, but I wouldn't want to leave dd1 only dd2. Which is horrendous isn't it. What mother thinks that?!!

It's stupid because I know having a sister has made dd1 so happy, she lives for her. They are always playing together and love each other. I don't know.

Hopefully they will call me back today, thank you x

It’s so so hard. You will need to very gently sleep train the baby and get her into a decent routine so you can recuperate a bit.
Then you can start spending time with your toddler again when you have energy.
But for now focus on 1. The baby’s sleep and 2. Recovering from exhaustion yourself.

You haven’t made a mistake and it will get easier just not overnight.
I know you enjoy a drink and this is something you look forward to but if you are drinking everyday this will exacerbate the lack of sleep. Alcohol is a depressant even in small quantities.
You also need to talk to your husband. I have suffered with depression so know how useless it can make you. Have a think about what he might be able to do that would be helpful and explain how you are feeling. He might not be able to help in the night but maybe he could take both dc out at babies nap time for a pram walk. That way at least you could get a small break.
Beyond that just don’t put pressure on yourself, a day where everyone is fed and still alive is a success.
As your baby gets older and develops their own personality (and ability to sleep) you will love her as much as your first.

Your husband must be making you feel 100 times worse than you need to. Yes he has his issues but now is the time for him to buck up and help you. He can't expect you to carry the load alone and he does the bare minimum (if anything at all). By all means seek some help for your own mental wellbeing (it would be a good start) but things won't get easier if your husband continues the way he is. It's not that he can't look past his own issues, but he won't. What issues does he have that means he can't pick up the baby to give you some time to rest or spend time with your eldest, to cook dinner or shove the hoover round? These are not huge asks and it sounds like you've got a bit of a rotter of a husband.

I would also suggest some sleep training for your youngest. Lucy Wolfe 'The baby sleep solution' has a gentle stay and support method. Don't despair the feelings for your younger child will develop in time you are just understandably overwhelmed. Be kind to yourself x

Is your husband on medication for his depression? If not get him told he has to call the doctor and get it sorted.

Lots of people are ill with depression or other mh issues and just have to get on with it. They have no choice if a single parent.

He can do that ‘getting in with it’ too to some greater or lesser extent depending on how ill he is. He’s choosing not to as he’s getting that option. Don’t give him a choice. It’s his baby too.

When I was seriously depressed the only thing I wanted to do was kill myself. Yes I did make myself do practicle things for my family but it was never easy. Nobody chooses to be ill.

Could you get a night nanny for a couple of nights to give you a full, uninterrupted sleep? Then tackle the longer term when you are in a better frame of mind? I think you also need to see the GP about how you feel.

Well done for speaking to PANDAS, I hope they've called you back by now

Thank you everyone I appreciate it x

Nope no response from them yet but I left my name and number so hopefully will be soon.

I've ordered the book so thank you for the advice.

My dh is not being supportive at all; BUT he did take them for a walk today for the first time so that's progress... a small win but I'll take it

Telling someone with depression to ‘step up’ is pointless - your husband needs medication if he’s not on some already.

As for the baby, I’d bite the bullet and do dine intensive sleep training. It’ll be horrible hit a few days but it’ll surely be dirty it in the long run. Perhaps your toddler can stay at your sister’s while it’s happening?

Sorry for the autocorrect typos, really wish there was an edit function on this site.

Brilliant that your husband took them for a walk, it will help him as much as you.