Jealousy and other parents

[Sleepisoverrated150]

I’m a bit concerned I might be flamed for this so please be gentle!

We live a good couple of hours away from GP and then an hour away from another set of GP.

I know both sets of GP love our kids but they are very I only want to be GP and not help with the kids. It’s fine, it’s our choice to have children and we just about manage, just a bit frazzled most of the time. Basically Covid made no difference to us it was pretty much carry on as normal (apart from nursery being closed and no play dates with friends) it didn’t seem any more stressful with the kids as that’s our normal life. No children are currently school age so this may have been different in a few years time!

There are so many parents at work that make comments like “oh my parents love seeing their grandchildren and travel well over an hour to see them weekly”, “ my parents are sad they can’t see the kids this week” “I don’t know how you do it” “we just need an hour or two to get on top of the house so GP are taking them out it’s hard otherwise” “I love the bond our children have with GP” “GP are picking DC up from school to help or GP are looking after DC as the schools closed”

Also insert Aunty / uncle for GP depending on the person. I honestly don’t think they’re saying it to be rude or horrible or bitchy they just forget others don’t have that and very relieved to have the support back with Covid.

I am not normally jealous but occasionally when people keep making comments I do think it would be nice to feel I had more support.

Before someone says just get a babysitter, youngest is under 1 and breastfeeding I don’t feel comfortable leaving a non verbal child with a stranger.

Guess my main reason for posting is how do you let these comments wash over you? Most of the time it doesn’t bother me but sometimes I get a tiny bit jealous and I hate the feeling.

I am very fortunate to have two children, not to have lost our jobs, live in an alright area. We aren’t rich but we aren’t on the breadline. I don’t feel like I should I be jealous at all but it creeps in sometimes.

Oh I understand totally. I have two who are older now at 16 and 13 but my Mum never wanted to look after them. She'd had 4 kids though and 4 grandchildren before mine and I just had to accept it.

It does get easier....when they got to school age, I used to always have their friends over as that makes it easier for me!

When they're entertained, I'm left alone. It's still like that with my 13 year old...she's with her friend now and I'm alone! If she wasn't with her mate she'd be hassling me.

I also agree about not getting babysitters for non verbal children. I didn't do it. Couldn;t.

Thanks, it’s made me feel better knowing someone else in a similar situation. I knew there would be but most of my friends with children have some sort of support so it’s hard to explain to them without it becoming a pity party.

My parents are also supporting my brother with childcare as they live closer so I’m learning to accept it even though it hurts slightly

Looking forward to the years when my kids are slightly older, not to wish the years away, but it will be nice to have more sleep and time with mumDH. I love our children dearly I could just do with an hour or twos break

Build some good friendships with people in a similar position. You can support each other

I take pride that everything we achieve has been without family help and therefore wholly down to our efforts.

I feel your pain. My parents are in Ireland and Mil was older when mine were born. It’s hard but it’s your normal. As they get older i had friends in similar circumstances and we helped each other. It does get easier, but it’s hard when they are so small.

My stepsister is in this position and its shit. Our dad lives an hour away so isn't much help and shes NC with her mum. She has 3 kids (one with ASD) and her partner is a vile bully who expects to be waited on hand and foot and never helps with the kids. I actively try not to mention it when my older kids are with my mum or my auntie takes them out etc but sometimes it comes up or she sees pictures and it makes her really sad. When she went into hospital to have her youngest I had the two older kids for 2 nights while heavily pregnant and with 4 of our own kids as well - was absolute chaos but she literally has noone else.

It will get easier as the kids get older though. Her oldest is 12 and often has sleepovers with friends - soon they all will, or people will become more inclined to help when they're older and need less attention.

We’re in the same boat as you. I don’t honestly think you can stop the jealousy a tiny bit, but I feel very proud of DH and myself that we manage by ourselves, and like you, feel we may have found lockdown easier than some because we didn’t have any of that support to find it taken away. There are definitely benefits to both ways, but our way, in all honesty, works better for us than the other.

I hear you. I have a reception aged child and a bf under 2 year old. Before covid PIL a had started to have DD1 on afternoon a week after school nursery which meant DD2 and I could go to a baby group. Then came lockdown and PIL decided to bubble with BIL - they have one child same age as DD2 and his PIL providing childcare too. Meanwhile we were trying to juggle home schooling and a fractious toddler who wouldn’t nap without a lot of input. MIL is unwell at the moment unfortunately. My parents are disabled with multiple health issues and I often have to juggle caring for them at short notice taking the toddler with me while other people have child free weekends. I feel likely a stampy teenager innerwardly shouting life’s not fair.

I am an aunt (and now a great aunt) and it never occurred to me to 'help' my sister with them. Much as I love her she chose to have them.

I understand. I'm a single mum with 3 dc, my dad lives 5 mins away and I can go weeks without seeing or speaking to him. My mum sadly died a long time ago and she was great, not too involved but there when I needed her, dad remarried and his new life doesn't factor in any of his dc or dgc much. Luckily I have fab sisters and a brother, well sister in law! No one expects favours but the help is there if needed like with mum. I learnt a long time ago not to rely on my dad for anything child related, it did used to annoy me but I figured it was his loss and now all the dgc wander off or disappear when my dad does decide to grace us with a visit.

It is hard sometimes.

i was reading the thread about "is it normal for pil to want to help us out".
My pil are well off and honestly always expect us to "treat them".
My DH birthday - we pay. My BIL birthday - we pay. We visit - we pay. They visit - we pay. Christmas is all designer goods at 100+ she sends lists!!! Of mother's day suggestions (£200-500 handbags). Th is expected to pay for his younger brother at. All. Times. BIL is 26...
It's MIL 60th this year and she has made it clear she wants a specific type of experience holiday costing $$$

As you see its a sore point i just try and minimise the outlay by picking restaurants or take outs where even when they go wild they can only do some much damage and try and count my blessings.

@squashyhat 100% it’s a life choice I understand that and I would never expect anyone to help out.

However maybe I just think differently to some people, everyone isn’t the same. If my neighbour didn’t have a car and it was chucking it down with rain and I had to take a 5/10min detour I would offer them a lift. Yes it’s their life choice to not own a car however my small gesture can make their day better.

While I don’t expect any help, if a family member could see I haven’t slept for a week or had any spare time in over 4 years. Them taking my children to the park for an hour or 2 would most definitely be appreciated.

Guess everything’s a life choice and you should never expect any help but I’m sure if it made people’s day better, then most people wouldn’t turn it down.

I'm in a similar situation, and Covid made parenting easier as no extracurricular, school runs etc. All of which me and DH do due to lack of support.

We also have to take care of our parents in addition to this.

Obviously some people who have come to rely on family help have had something taken away from them that we never had, so they are feeling the lack of benefit. Them moaning about it obviously means they do appreciate it now if they didn't already.

Yes it's shit but just detach yourself a bit when they moan. We all get dealt a different hand.

I think jealousy is a valid emotion like anything else, which tells you about your true wants and wishes. It’s ok to want more help and wish you had what others had! So give yourself a break for feeling it. Sometimes when you squash feelings down if you feel they are bad or you shouldn’t feel them, they get bigger.

I share the wish for more support and have had envy for those who have family whom they feel they can rely on, where my situation feels more complicated. I think when I really allow myself to feel the sadness that my parents were so flawed, that helps me move on to ‘so what can I do about my situation’. I agree with PPs that trying to build up a network of friends with young children helps so much.

I could've written this @Sleepisoverrated150. Two under two. ILs live 20 mins away but don't get on with their son and in turn don't want anything to do with me or the DC. They haven't seen the children since they were born. My family lives at the other end of the country and are busy with their own thing. My DC don't have anyone but us. I see mums in the park and they're always telling me what they're getting up to with their families and it stings. I don't wish anything bad for them but I'm left feeling bitter and resentful for something I can't give my children- a loving extended family. It's shit and I totally empathise.

Do you have a friend who could have them for a couple of hours? Not all babysitters have to be strangers.
If I am ever a grandparent, I have no intention in looking after children. If my dd was on her knees I would obviously help, but being one of those put upon grandparents, either through choice or design, is not happening.

@Superstardjs not really, we have friends but they all have small children too so I don’t think asking them to have 4 or 5 children under 4 is fair. It’s definitely more of a viable option as the kids get older though so I will cling onto that!

It’s interesting as I don’t want to be put upon and I definitely want to enjoy my retirement but I will definitely be asking if I can help out. I think having to put my children in nursery, feeling like I missed out and not having any family help has definitely made me realise that I don’t want to miss out on my grandchildren too. I won’t be at their beck and call but I will be offering occasional weekends, help when sick, when they are in labour etc.

Everyone is different though and helping out or looking after children isn’t for everybody.

Not trying to flame you but thinking maybe you just need to listen more carefully. There are lots of MNers reporting they have gone NC with their parents or most family members; or in real life, people may have good relations with their parents but they are also mainly carers for those same parents.

I do some volunteer work for a gentleman who says he has great-grandchildren he's never met. He'd like to, but he's disabled & can't travel & others won't make the effort. There are so many fractured families around.

My parents try to be involved grandparents, but are many time zones away. They offered to babysit when they sometimes visit but they actively dislike DC3 so that idea couldn't proceed much. DH's parents are nice but also can't travel since many years ago, and never really wanted to get hands on.

I never would have had many DC if I had realised how tough it would be to raise them without support. Is something I will emphasise to DC since I can't know if I will be able to offer long term support, either.

@lljkk I get people are in worse situations but it doesn’t mean it devalues my feels though right? I am listening but I don’t agree with the race to the bottom idea.

Just because someone’s gone NC with their parents doesn’t mean I can’t be a bit jealous my children don’t have a good relationship with their grandparents. I don’t have a good relationship with my parents.

We are considering another DC3 but realistic we probably won’t as like you said it’s hard work. I wouldn’t mind as much if they slept 😂

How do you cope with knowing how much more money other people have amazing amounts of money more than you?

How do you cope with knowing how naturally talented or beautiful some random people are?

Ultimately feelings arise from beliefs. You've got beliefs that this situation (=lack of grandparent involvement, but presumably not other people's wealth, talents, beauties) is especially ... something that doesn't apply to those other inequities. Unfair? Only you can dive into the roots of those beliefs. Fix the beliefs & the feelings will sort themselves.

OP I understand you. I am one of those lucky ones that has had a lot of family support but still find on other aspects of like I occasionally get a little green eyed. It doesn't mean I'm not grateful for what I have. And it's a totally valid emotion for you too. It doesn't help at the moment but I promise you that this time will pass you by in a flash. I used to hate people saying that as I was literally sat up all night holding the baby. My babies are now teenagers and I can taste the freedom! It won't be long before yours are sleeping more and you and DH can eke out an evening together. It's even harder when bf but baby should be eating well now so you won't be stuck always feeding for long. Do look into finding a childminder you can trust though because everyone needs a break now and then. Even if just a few hours in the evenings. It's worth it's weight in gold.