6yo Son doesn't like grandma

[besidetheseaside2020]

My son is nearly 6 but has a really negative reaction to his grandma every time we have her on the phone for facetime. He has found her a bit too smothering in the past - trying to kiss when he didnt want etc and she has been quite critical of him in the past (I find her difficult myself) but he has barely seen her since the pandemic as she is french and lives in france. However, every phonecall he is grumpy and rude and it's really a problem that I don't know how to handle.

I want him to have a positive relationship with her or at least be able to talk to her and have some interest in engaging with her.

I've tried asking him what the problem is and I think part of it is that she wants him to speak in French (which he understands but doesn't feel confident speaking). She does understand English well but even if we say he can talk in english to her he is quite grumpy and moany when on the phone and ignores her attempts at interaction or gives one word answers and messes around. It's mortifying because it is so persistent this behaviour and makes me look bad too. (and she is fairly judgemental as it is).

He says he doesn't know her a lot because he doesn't see her very often and I think he also feels pressure because now before we speak to her on the phone we have to tell him to behave himself and be nice to her because she loves him etc.

I just don't know what else to try...

Anyone have any advice?

Who’s mother is she? Yours or his father?

Don’t put pressure on a 6 year old. Yes be polite but he doesn’t have to do more than that.

Prioritise your son's feelings over hers and yours. He's the child in this situation. If you won't protect him from unwanted physical/other attention, you're failing him.

He is allowed to make his own decision on who he likes and it’s important you let him do he learns that he can have boundaries.

The Philipa Perry book is good on this. If grandma wants a better relationship she needs to find a way to connect - she has the skills rather than the 6 year old

Children don't enjoy video calls with anyone let alone smothering grandmothers they barely know who expect them to speak in another language. You need to back off him. Get him to say a cheery bonjour to grandma when she calls then let him go and do something else.

Alot of young kids don't like talking on the phone or face timing.
That said if you find her difficult yourself then he probably does too. My son used to hate my ex's Nan she was horrible though. Kids pick up on horrible people sometimes. I wouldn't force it.

I literally don't know any child of that age that can 'chat nicely' on Zoom even with beloved relatives or friends. They all muck about!
Don't pressure him. Mine like showing their grandparents their toys then running off to play with the toys.

It's my MIL. I know he is only little and that his attention can't be held for long but he is able to talk/engage with other people (including other french members of the fam) without quite such a negative response. I will check out Phillipa Perry's book.

It's a good point that he hasn't the same emotional maturity as a 60yo woman so I'll bear that in mind. I do feel a bit bad for her though because her quality of interaction is so poor with him but he is a really delightful, sweet and cheeky little chap when he wants to be.

Why don’t you get him to make some little videos that you can send to her? Although my grandson is a lot younger, he loves making videos of himself playing with his toys, of the dog, him in the garden etc. I do see him face to face now, but last year when I didn’t I loved getting these.

That sounds like a lot of pressure on your six year old and its obvs because she's putting pressure on you. It is sort of saying that you are not training him properly, which is nice. Who wants to be dragged to a screen and told off for not speaking the right language?

As others have said she's 60 and he's only six. She's not meeting him half way or trying to make it a pleasant experience. She needs to learn to be more tolerant.

I think the videos are a much better idea, if only because its easier to call CUT when he does something untoward.