Is there a parenting expert who can zoom/coach me? Anyone used one?

[enigmaforever]

At the end of my rope with my 5 yr old boy.

I'm sure there is nothing diagnosable wrong with him. He is exceeding in all areas at school, the teacher said he is right at the top of his class and his behaviour is impeccable at school with an excellent attention span. He has a delightful personality, friendly, polite, gentle with all children etc. No issues at all. In fact he doesn't engage with rough play with the boys and has a more sensitive nature.

He has always been advanced in terms of his capabilities but at home, emotionally he is all over the place. He provokes and attacks his siblings all day long. He is quite destructive - bashing poles into our internal doors and damaging them, writing on walls/carpet, throwing possessions around/at walls. He screams and gets angry a lot. In the car on a journey he will unbuckle his belt, attack his sibling, throw things in the car, scream that he wants to get out. We struggle to go on journeys because of this.

Is it boredom? And perhaps more than the average child because he is more intelligent than the average child? Does he require more attention and stimulation. He does very well with lots of set activities and one-to-one time but I have to do housework and attend to other stuff. I wondered about boredom because it always happens in the car.

I'm probably not explaining it all very well, but let's just say it's so bad that I've just gone on anti-depressants, my daughter age 10 said she feels so unhappy and is never happy at home, son age 7 seems fed up too, my marriage is on the rocks and I've just increased my hours at work from 2 days per week to 5 days per week so I can pay for holiday clubs through every school holiday and not have him home! I realise how awful that sounds

Is there some special person who could coach our family though this?? I have read Magic 123 and Calmer Easier Happier Boys. I need to read both again but am struggling to implement things as it all feels so overwhelming.

God what a tough phase. How would he be on a train - it sounds as if he struggles massively without direct attention if it's potentially available. Do you end up splitting the load between you - one with him, one with the others?

@PermanentTemporary

God what a tough phase. How would he be on a train - it sounds as if he struggles massively without direct attention if it's potentially available. Do you end up splitting the load between you - one with him, one with the others?

He would definitely be better on a train, but I think still reach the same point where he's ready to get out. The last year has been awful as there's less for him to do to keep himself busy and stimulated. I'm trying now to sign him up for some new activities and have suggested to my husband that I we split the siblings up over the weekends and do things separately with them. The Easter holidays have been unbearable.

He sounds perfectly capable of switching this behaviour on and off again depending on where he is and who he is with. He wont be getting 1.2.1 attention in class, yet still manages to act appropriately.

Have you tried the "what on earth would Mrs Smith have to say about this behaviour?" angle?

Can you speak to the teachers about the set up in the classroom and see what it is specifically about the environment that makes it easier for him to behave?

Im sorry about the original question, I never tried a parenting coach. I often wished I had one with a headset explaining things. They must exist. It does sound like they need to be experts at whole family work - he would be easier to manage if it were just him (though not necessarily great as he'd be more used to your total attention).

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

He sounds perfectly capable of switching this behaviour on and off again depending on where he is and who he is with. He wont be getting 1.2.1 attention in class, yet still manages to act appropriately.

Have you tried the "what on earth would Mrs Smith have to say about this behaviour?" angle?

Can you speak to the teachers about the set up in the classroom and see what it is specifically about the environment that makes it easier for him to behave?

His teacher is incredibly engaging and has the most amazing activities for them every day, along with free play with other children his own age which he enjoys so much. If I could set up new and interesting activities all through the day every day I imagine his behaviour would be better. Unfortunately I've run out of steam with all that after the past year of being stuck at home.

Hello, parenting experts exist and I am one of them. Your son's behavior is the final stage of problem development. It had a reason/root and logic. It is great that you tried the books, but those are not really helping because related to the symptoms, not the cause. By this behavior of choice, he covers certain needs.

I will be glad to give you a free 30 minutes consultation

Hi, Most children's misbehaviour is a coping strategy. There are certain feelings that may be overwhelming to them and to cope they misbehave. It may be attention they are seeking, a connection they may be looking for, they may feel they are not counting in some way or it may be to do with them not being capable (in handling emotions or situations) Self help books are often a great starting point but a lot of the time, it is better to speak to a professional in person. I am a counsellor and parenting is one of the things I do work on with parents. If you need more help, please contact me

Read Warwick Dyers book - he's brilliant with extreme behaviour

Are you sure he doesn’t have any additional needs? Because I think there are two possible explanations here, one that it is a behavioural issue and relates to something emotional like his feelings at home, lack of stimulation/not enough attention (I don’t say this to criticise, we all know that for some kids there’s no such thing as enough attention!), different boundaries from school, etc. The other is that he may have some additional needs which aren’t being met and the sheer effort of masking and “being good” at school is leading to these outbursts at home.

I’m guessing he started school during or immediately before Covid so it might be difficult to tell whether any changes or deterioration in behaviour are related to school or lockdown?

The violence and lack of boundaries, eg around how to behave in the car, sound to me as though there is something else going on and/or he is struggling with some big feelings, especially if you haven’t had similar issues with his siblings.

I have a 5 year old who has some behavioural issues so you have my sympathy - it’s difficult to work out what’s linked to new sibling, school or lockdown and its effects.

Also, I recommend a book called The Explosive Child, which focuses less on labels and more on behaviour, specifically on “lagging skills” which your child doesn’t have and how to identify these, the idea being that if you can help them address the lagging skills, some of their behavioural issues should improve as they feel less frustrated.

Following this with interest... I have a 5 year old who is very similar. School actually let him attend during the last lockdown and said for some children school is school and home is home and the two don’t mix well. I often wonder if he has some form of autism but the school would never back me up and like your son, he’s fantastic when he’s there. School holidays are tough... behaviour spirals pretty rapidly despite being out and about and always having something planned. You have my sympathies!

Just came in to recommend The Explosive Child as well.