How to help dad & toddler bond?

[DriftGames]

Dads always been around, we're married and live together, DD is almost 17 months. She was EBF until about a month ago and now just boobs to sleep at night. I'm cutting this feed out too and hoping she'll be boob free by 18m.

Anyway, she will settle for dad in the daytime, but at night there's no chance. She's been a bad sleeper from day one and still wakes around 6-8 times a night. She's still in our room because of this. She will only settle for me and this used to be on the boob but now a cuddle/pat will send her off nicely. I've tried to get DH to settle too as I've had about 5 hours of broken sleep a night since she was born and with work & me being her primary carer, I'm really struggling now.

How can dad build a bond with her to a point where she will settle for him? She adores him but just doesn't seem to have the same bond with him as she does with me.

For reference - I do everything. He's a lazy parent, I've known that since she was about 4 weeks. I've told him how it is and he's always fallen back on her being EBF so needing me but obviously now she doesn't.

Any suggestions?

How much time has he/does he spend alone with your DD? As lockdown eases, depending in where you are, could you spend a few nights away? If not, then leave them to it on weekends, for increasing lengths of times?

I'm a dad. The moment DS1 (also a terrible sleeper) stopped needing night feeds (around 18m), DW said "your turn, I've not slept for over a year".

From then on I took sole responsibility for him at night. First 3-4 nights there was a fair amount of crying, but he settled down into a new routine eventually.

When DS2 was born (1 year later), we then had one child each.

Obviously this only works if your DP/DH never works late and is always home for bedtime.

Settling isn't really about a bond; it's about routine. For creating a stronger bond, they need more time together. Does he take her out for half or full days regularly by himself? I would start with him spending the day alone with her and providing all the care (which I imagine you normally do). As for settling at night, it's just creating it as part of the routine and getting him to do it regardless of whether it's easy or not. Nights away worked well for this. I went away for 1-4 nights just after I weaned mine (not for this reason, just because I wanted time away) and dh did all the nighttimes obviously. After that, it was much easier. Alternatively, you just sit downstairs (or sleep downstairs) and let him get on with it more regularly. He has to persist whether it's working at first or not.

To answer all questions:

I work 9-1 Monday & Friday, 9-4 Tuesday through Thursday. MIL has DD.
DH works 8:30-5:30 Mon-Sat. He's home for bed time most nights but not always bath time (every other night). He does however have the option to take Thursdays as a half day, and I've suggested he do this and collect DD from MIL and spend the afternoon together. He's reluctant. I imagine it's nerves, as he hasn't done this before - which I'm aware is totally shit but I've let him get away with not having to do much and so he's reluctant.

When lockdown eases I would LOVE for him to take her to soft play/swimming/breakfast on a Sunday, to give me a lie in and them some scheduled one on one. Genuinely unsure when he last had her alone, unsupervised for more than 30 mins. So they both need this.

I've just purchased a toddler bed and are hoping to get her in her own room from Monday, so hopefully if we change that part of bed time from being in our room to hers as well as DH settling her, the changes all at once will help her adapt at the same time, IYSIM.

I'm fully aware he should be more hands on but I think as I work fewer hours and am home before him every day, and because I've been in mat leave, I kind of took everything home & child related on as solely my responsibility. We've spoken about this though and I think he see's my exhaustion and is feeling some guilt at this point.

Thanks for all of your tips so far!

DS does most nappy changes, bath times (bath time because DS wants me in the bath when I go and then just sits there breastfeeding and not having fun lol), and breakfast. It’s a routine now. Otherwise the night feedings and wakings would have killed me lol

We struggled with this too. We did an alternate bedtimes, every other night I would pretend to go out otherwise DS would just cry for me. Having some one on one time together also helped.

I thought my DP was just been lazy but actually he was heartbroken he kept been rejected by DS all the time and I wish we had made the change sooner as it has really helped with their bond although DS will still sometimes just want me and it's hard to allow DP to deal with it rather than rushing straight in.

IMO, changing everything at once is likely to be more traumatic than doing it a bit at a time.

We transferred DD to her own bed at 18 months but she had been in her own room at the start of the night since about a year old. She settled wonderfully, so we night weaned a couple of weeks later. Then I started sending DH in to deal with any wakes (to be fair, after the move to a proper bed and night weaning she was more or less sleeping through anyway). I did retain bedtime because it it nice, but DH does the grunt work of bath, pyjamas, teeth- I just swan in like a conquering hero to read her a story and watch her drift off.

18 months is a good time to night wean- I did it gradually by moving the feed to before tooth brushing in the bedtime routine and warning her that there'd be no milkies after teeth brushing because teeth are clean and we wouldn't want to get milk on them. Soon enough she stopped wanting milk before bed.

Him taking DD on Thursday afternoons is a really good idea (assuming you can afford it).