Step parenting - are we doing the right thing?

[Loopylisa1991oxo]

Hi guys! Just looking for a bit of advice/encouragement that me & DH are making the right decisions.

Bit of background myself and my husband have been together for 7 years, he has 2 DD who are now 8 & 12, we have a DD together who is 5!

Our family unit has been perfect, the girls come and stay every Friday (come straight from school) until Saturday evening, they also come for their tea x1 a week if they feel like it! They come on every holiday with us, day trips etc... they have their own room in our house & we help with dentist & optician appointments as mum works full time & has mental health issues ... prior to lock down everything was going great, DH & mum don’t have the best relationship however, we get on well so I act as a mutual person.

Unfortunately since lock down the girls haven’t been wanting to come, especially the 8 year old.. I would say she’s always had a bit of separation anxiety from mum but we’ve always handled this well .... we have an ok relationship with mum but she has mental health problems so sometimes needs extra support as let’s things slip with things like appointments, getting kids uniform & setting a routine at home (girls stay up till whenever they like this sometimes being 2/4am!) at our house we have a laid back approach as such however, we are strict with lights off phones off no later than 10:30/11 .... I think since lockdown they’ve got used to their routine at home so coming here feels like a chore & as we have rules I don’t think they like it ...

It became a weekly battle getting them to come with tears from them both, husband getting frustrated & our daughter upset as she missed her sisters who have been a huge part of her life so far ....

It was getting all too much do us & distressing mum also so we made the agreement that my husband will call the girls through the week to see if they want to do anything that being go for their tea here or McDonald’s etc then go back home... then he rings later on in the week to see if they want to sleep ..... this has gone ok so far but the last few weeks they’ve not wanted to come for tea or stay over.

Are we making the right choice giving them ownership of when they come? I also feel bad for my daughter as she misses them terribly but we couldn’t go on as we were...I’m also concerned as mum is a hairdresser so will be going back
To work & she relied on us for child care on a Saturday ... I feel like as we’ve given the girls choice this will also be a battle & has made a rod for our own backs..

Advice & support would be appreciated x

I think seeing as home life with Mum isn't always great you need to enforce visits before they become even more reluctant to come.
Have you tried collecting them from school rather than handover from Mum etc?
Could be easier on them that way!
Id try school nights first even if it means an inconvenience with work for dad... so collect and return to school the following morning, with the view to work up to collect Friday an have for the weekend!

Thank you for your advice @Ingleduh - when it’s school time on a Friday the 8 year old generally gets picked up by her grandad & brought straight here however, since lock down she’s been missing A LOT of school & wanting to stay at home which mum has aloud .. she’s also been crying before school on a Friday morning to her mum about not wanting to come here who I feel isn’t the most encouraging at times (only if she needs child care) ... I feel the 8 year old has become more clingy to mum since lock down with her not working & being more present in her life which she’s never had... which is very sad & I understand it must be hard on her.

The 12 year olds school is around the corner however, a few times she’s walked straight home rather than coming here ...she has friends who she plays out with here but she hates not being able to stay up on her phone all night I reckon! they love coming on holidays with us etc so I’m dead sure it’s not us my DH is an amazing dad who’s always been very present in their lives I do believe it’s the differences in parenting .. I stay out of the parenting as I should.. I only give advice when asked on both sides.

Thank you for your advice around school days etc that’s a good call - I think my DH is reluctant to change the current stance him & ex have taken as it might confuse kids but it this continues not to work ( which i don’t think it will) I think that’s a good idea going forwards x