The practicalities of a toddler and a newborn. Do you get a second pair of arms?

[Mybobowler]

I'm recently pregnant with second baby. My daughter will be almost 3 when this one arrives, assuming all goes well.

It's just occured to me (yes, I know) that I'm going to be looking after TWO small children, and I've got The Fear. My daughter was a pretty straightforward newborn, but from about 8 weeks to 8 months was an absolute nightmare baby - highly sensitive, often livid, and particularly awful at sleeping. Getting her to nap involved hours of being walked in a pram or a sling or driven around in the car, two to three times a day, and invariably involved lots of furious screaming.

How do people manage that with a toddler to look after as well? Obviously I couldn't have kept up that merry dance with another child around.

I must have some residual trauma about my first child's appalling sleep, because I'm already panicking.

Tips? Reassurance? How do you do it?!

I'm 5 months in with two and actually it's fine. Eldest goes to nursery a couple of days a week so I get time with baby (and chance to nap) and then I just wing it on the other days. There's probably more TV time than I would ideally like and baby lived in the sling from about week 3- week 10 but it's no where near as bad as I thought it would be.

Following with interest... I'm 19 weeks pregnant and my son will be 3 when baby is born.

In some ways I'm dreading it (lack of sleep, available arms, energy) and in some ways I'm thinking it might be easier (more experience, less time to worry, less boredom).

My second is a lovely baby in comparison to my first. Hope the same holds true for you!

Sling for the baby, reins for for the toddler if they're a runner when out and about. Lots of helpibg mummy activities for the eldest. A playpen to either put baby in or keep baby out (put eldest in when colouring or doing stuff babies can't have) or a room divider if you need one so you can have both in the same room but in safe areas.

Preschool or nursery for the eldest. Lots of TV time in the first few weeks! Accept all help offered. Set up a bag of special toys or activities you can do with eldest while feeding or holding youngest. Only bring these out at feeding times so the novelty doesn't wear off! The water magic books are a good option or the wipe clean writing books. I am nearly nine months in and I was totally overwhelmed when DD was born. We have a three year gap (almost exactly) and it was tough for the first few months, especially as eldest was toilet training and nursery was closed. It is much easier now that they can interact and DD can go in the high chair for a bit and so on. If you have a partner make sure they are pulling their weight! Good luck 😊

My eldest was two and half when the youngest was born. Not going to lie the first 6months were really really tough. You end up leaving the baby to cry just that bit longer so you can sort the eldest out and standards drop. But it's so rewarding and the bond between them now 18months on is amazing

Hi OP. Our DD will be 2 years and 3 months when baby is born. I hadn’t been thinking about this but now am lol
Going to look into nursery- maybe 2/3 mornings a week and also investing in a sling sounds like a good idea.

Thanks for posting

It is a bit mad at times but you'll get the hang of it. Sling for the baby so your hands are free when out and about. Synchronise naps whenever you can. Special box of distractions for when you're feeding; get toddler involved in helping with nappy changes. It all comes together.

I had an 18 month old and a newborn. It was horrendous! Now they are 2 and 3, it's so much fun and pretty great! The past 2 years have been tough though!

By the time your second is seriously up and moving around your eldest will be almost 4 and at that age should, in theory be much more manageable, will have been at nursery quite a bit, won't be far off school age, etc. That age gap is definitely not the worst. Everyone has these thoughts but honestly, it all sort of falls into place.

My eldest was 2.5yo when DD was born, nursery was shut along with most other places. The first few months were tough, as eldest was jealous of how much 'mummy time' the baby took from him. But it got easier and easier and now my DD is 1yo, they have a great bond.
As others have said, it is doable because you are more experienced at working out why they're crying, and have less time to worry. 90% of the time was fine, if you ignore much of the non urgent stuff like house work. 10% of the time is when you have to juggle two upset or needy kids at the same time. If my eldest needed me, then I prioritised him, as long as the baby was safe. I realised its OK to let the baby cry for a minute while I was responding to my eldest.

Other things that help: wear the baby in a sling lots, so they're calmer and you have your hands free. Go for lots of outings (park, forest walk, etc) so baby sleeps and toddler gets to run off energy. I got a leash thing for his scooter, so we could go for a scoot around the block. Also, we got some new toys such as little cars, magic water colouring book, stickers, that were given to the eldest every couple of weeks to keep things fun for him. Carve out a little time each day to spend with just your toddler without the baby, so they feel noticed.

It was something I was very worried about beforehand but it wasn't as bad as I thought. At all! I think I'd been prepared for the worst.

You get used to baby crying, sometimes quite a lot, while you tear around like a crazy person ensuring toddler is safe/dealt with. And occasionally baby just conks out when you weren’t expecting them to and you breathe a sigh of relief (before putting the next load of washing on/bleaching the loo and pretending that’ll do for cleaning it for 5 weeks).

You will be absolutely fine, things will work out and you’ll figure out your way of doing it. Best of luck and congratulations on your family.

I've got newborn twins and a 4 year old. Honestly I've found it easier this time round....I'm in a routine, know what I'm doing (I think!). Lockdown meant excuse not to go anywhere so stuck close to home, more confidant I suppose in my mothering skills. Older daughter has never really slept through the night so not like I got used to sleeping again she has to give it up now the babies are here. I feel good!

I gave birth to DD2 when DD1 was 18 months, and they're now 2 and 6 months. It is hard at times; DD1 is up and about and into everything, but she's also really good with wanting to 'help' so come nappy change time I'll ask her to get DD2 a nappy out of the caddy and she'll go and get it. We also have a springer so as you can imagine our house is very lively!

Getting housework done - I usually rush around like a blue ars*d fly when DD2 naps and pop Ceebeebies on for DD1 however she often just follows me from room to room with a toy or just chattering to me.

Going to the supermarket...😬 DD2 is in the trolley in the baby bit and DD1 is next to her in the trolley seat until she decides she wants to walk, in which case I'll pop her reins on, thread them through the handle off the trolley and she'll 'push' the trolley with me. It's always an adventure regardless of if I go alone or if I go with my Mum or DH!

It isn't easy, but you'll find what works best for you. I wouldn't change it, they have a lovely bond

My first sounds a lot like yours. Luckily for me there was truth in the rumours that siblings are polar opposites. 3 years and 6 weeks between the kids. It’s a great age gap. Dd was old enough to understand she had to wait a minute for things, that we had to work around her baby brother etc. There were tough times but yes get a good sling (I liked. A stretchy wrap for the newborn days) and a buggy board if you’ll go out with the pushchair a lot.

My baby is now 9 months old. We still do walks in the pushchair to get him to nap in the afternoon but his big sister just comes along for the walk - she is still ok on the buggy board but is almost 4 now so I may have to retire it soon as she’s getting a bit heavy.

I have found going from one kid to two kids way way WAY easier than 0 to 1. You’re already used to juggling everything, not getting much sleep, you have a routine the baby ends up slotting into. You just kind of muddle along and somewhere around 5 months in you realise it’s actually a lot easier than just having one!

Also nothing prepares you for seeing how much your kids adore each other. Every morning when mine greet each other it’s with the most enormous smiles. Already they entertain each other. Already it’s helped the first kid be better at sharing my attention, be more self sufficient, more patient and share toys well.

You’ve got this OP! It’s gonna be fine.

PS i did like the second baby book by sarah okwell smith - talks a lot about dealing with the inevitable attention seeking behaviour from the older sibling in the early days.

2.5 years gap here. Definitely get your toddler in for some nursery sessions. Mine did 2 mornings a week at that stage and DH used to drop him off so it was amazing to just have me and the baby for a few hours. Once we got past the newborn daze I mostly did errands like the supermarket shop in that time as it was so much easier with just one child.

You just kind of get on with it. Baby slots in and gets used to being ignored more than your pfb ever would, and toddler watches more tv than is ideal. I mostly stuck to a routine of getting us out somewhere like the park, library, soft play, friends house on a morning and then back home for lunch and nap/quiet time for toddler. Afternoon was then more relaxed - watching tv, playing in garden, waiting for DH to come home.

I’m so glad my youngest is 3.5 now cos lockdown would’ve finished me off!

Aah this is the kind of wisdom and reassurance I needed! I'm really hoping we get the fabled easy second baby but if not, at least I know that it's a temporary pain! My DD is already in nursery twice a week and we have no plans to take her out! She has a day a week with grandparents as well, which I'm hoping will continue as they all love it.

I'm already having waves of guilt that this little one is going to turn my daughter's world upside down, and I cannot imagine loving another as much as I adore her. But I'm sure she's going to be such an amazing older sister - she's so gentle and loving, and I can't wait to see them together.

@Bigoldmachine thank you for the book recommendation! I'll definitely buy a copy - i think I've got her sleep book somewhere (for all the good that did, hah!)

Reading with interest. Due dc2 in 5 days and ds1 is 21 months. I've had The Fear and guilt my entire pregnancy!

17 month gap between mine. It's honestly not as bad as you think it will be.

You've done the baby thing before so stuff doesn't phase you as much as it did the first time around. I found that my youngest just slotted into our lifestyle because she had to. There was no other option.

Learn to prioritise and to be realistic about what you can do. There will be times when they are both crying and you have to make a snap decision about who to deal with first. So one of them is left to cry for a bit. That is ok. They will be fine.