Not sure I want to be here anymore

[Poppyflower674]

I’m not sure the point in this or what I’m trying to say. I have a 7 month old little girl and I love her dearly. But my days are slowly getting worse. I hate how I feel about myself and I feel so pointless everyday. I get up and every day is pretty much the same. I don’t have much of a support system, my partner is brilliant but not the best to talk to, he glazes over and gets distracted by the tv, plus he works a lot. I can’t get out much as I don’t drive and we live in the country side, the only place to walk is 5 mins along a 60 road before i hit a main road with no pavement. I worry because cars fly round corners. I do my best for my baby, I make her smile and I genuinely love her.. I feel so guilty for feeling like I just don’t want to be here anymore. I feel like I live in this box, I have no job to go back to, no money, no transport, no one to talk to and I can’t see an end to it. I’m just a pointless person. I imagine her life without me and I see her being fine and not noticing this bizarre woman who used to look after her.

I was referred to mental health services and started some antidepressants after my baby was born in October last year and I still haven’t been seen by anyone. I rang a few weeks ago because things were getting worse and they told me I was on a waiting list. I spoke to my gp again yesterday about how I was feeling and she said the MH system is poor and lots of people are in the same boat.

I don’t shower or do much of anything, I feel like I used to care how the house looked but now I don’t know why. I keep having mind blanks which are quite nice because I don’t remember how bad I feel then. I’m just rambling now.

I’m not sure if feeling this way is normal or if I just have a tough situation but either way I’m not sure I want to find out if it gets tougher

Oh this sounds so tough didn’t want to read and run. Lockdown is bad enough without being able to get out and about at all for a walk and change of scenery. 7 months is still very young and in all honesty spending all day long with a baby can be pretty boring at the best of times. Would say it’s partly normal but the bit about not wanting to exist anymore and thinking it wouldn’t impact on your little girl wouldn’t. Can you escalate via the health visitor? Would GP at least review your meds? In the short term is there any way your partner could drop you and your little girl somewhere with a park, takeaway coffee etc and then maybe pick you up at lunch time? I also live rurally and while lovely scenery I have to go out a bit more just to see more faces (not even people I know but just feel part of the world again). Not a long term solution but a few more positive days might help xx

Hi
Having a baby is life changing and it affects many women emotionally and physically - antenatal depression is not uncommon but postpartum depression is very real and needs to be taken seriously - you need the support of the MH services now
Firstly - type in NHS depression online - it will ask you for your area plus direct you to a 24 hour telephone service - this service is for urgent assessments for people like yourself who are suffering now, you have a small baby so they will take on board all your anxieties and direct you to the MH team in your area - sometimes they call this team the Crisis team - please tell them how you are really feeling and don't hold back - no one will judge you or think you aren't a good mum - postpartum depression is an illness and there is a cure and they are there to help you
Also you can contact MIND online or telephone for extra support - many towns and cities have depression support groups which you can access online via your phone or laptop etc - you might find women in your area who are suffering as you are
Just remember that you aren't alone - many women all over the world have these thoughts and anxieties after childbirth but you need support now - so please contact them ASAP

You need medical help (meant kindly). Go and see your gp. Just remember things will get better. Babies grow up and life gets easier. There will come a time when you look back and wonder what the problem was. Just hang on in there.

Now that baby groups are going to reopen are there any in your area? Just for a bit of adult company. Church is a good place to enquire. Remember most people will be new because of lockdown Have you any family or friends you can chat to online or by phone just to have that adult connection. Ring one of the mental health helplines and speak to somebody. You are doing great caring for your daughter but you need to look after yourself too x

Thank you, I will try to give them a call. I get scared because I don’t want anyone to think I’m a bad mum. Or be taken to hospital or a&e, I feel like I’m wasting peoples time.

I will write some of the suggestions down, thank you

Don't be scared - they see many mums who describe their feelings as you are - no one will think you are a bad mum or take you or your baby away - we say " happy mum happy baby " please get in touch with these services as soon as possible - GP/Health visitor referrals are often sluggish despite good intentions - " everyone is a priority " but a new mum with a dependent baby is always first

It’s hard times at the moment. You’d feel better if you could get out and about a bit. I’m also stuck at home because of Covid and it’s shit, I’ve barely been out for a whole year except in the garden. What has helped me is making plans for after Covid. I was self employed but the work dried up, so I’ve signed up for some training courses and preparing to get back on track late this year. Do you have a childcare bubble so you can get some free time?

I am so sorry you feel like this, poppy, especially as you are isolated. Your GP can prescribe antidepressants but they don't suit everyone. Maybe there is some one to one help available online, it would be interesting to try anyway.

Is there any possibility that you could take driving lessons and afford a car? Then you would not be so cut off. Covid restrictions are gradually lifting which will help. A car would also enable you to go to work part time if you could find good child care and a job.

It's early days yet. I really hope things improve for you.

@Poppyflower674

Thank you, I will try to give them a call. I get scared because I don’t want anyone to think I’m a bad mum. Or be taken to hospital or a&e, I feel like I’m wasting peoples time.

I will write some of the suggestions down, thank you

Honestly I'd be more surprised if a new mum wasn't depressed at the minute the way things have been for the last year. Sounds like a trip to the GP would help a lot. Are you planning to go back to work at all? I went back two days a week after a year and my god I was like a whole different person for the change of scenery/people to talk to/using my brain again.

My GP palmed me off during my pregnancy for the MH issues I was experiencing. Midwives and subsequently health visitor have been much more helpful. You could also try calling Samaritans. I used to volunteer - people often think only suicidal people call them but really we had all sorts including many women in your situation. Talking - to anyone - will hopefully help you.

Being a mum is hard and I have no doubt you are doing a fantastic job and your daughter is lucky yo have such a devoted parent.

Did you manage to speak to somebody today op? X

You are not a bad mum.- you are depressed. I really hope you got to speak to someone today. It's so hard at the moment because there are no groups to go to or friends to meet because of covid. Just sending a hand hold xxx

Nobody, at all, will think you’re a bad mum for getting help. The opposite actually, you have clearly recognised a decline if your mental health and are seeking help. That is a great sign, definitely do as the PP suggests and call the number to get a referral sooner. Or call your GP again and insist on a face to face appt.

Is moving at all a feasible option at some point in the future?

Having a baby is tough but, from reading this, it seems you have the added challenge of being so very isolated. I know when I had my first, it was being able to get out and about and seeing people that got me a through those tough first few months.

You are important. Your health and wellbeing is important. You say you have a good partner but he isnit doing enough if he glazes over when you try to speak to him. I think you need a more serious chat. He should be there for you when you are ferling like this 💐.

So sorry you are going through this op. My daughter is a similar age and it's really and truly been the hardest 8 months of my life.

Being a new parent is hard enough without a year of lockdowns and the isolation they bring. No baby classes or opportunities to speak to other mums going through the same thing.

Add in a partner that is not overly supportive and an isolating environment and I'm not surprised you're feeling the way you are. You're not alone.

I think it's great you've reached out here and been honest with your GP about how you are feeling.

Are you still taking antidepressants?
Have you got friends you can meet up with now the restrictions are lifting a bit? Any groups locally you can join and take baby to?

How are you sleeping?

Thank you for all your messages, I really do appreciate them more than I can say.

I’ve felt things slipping for a while, anxiety has always been my downfall but whatever this is, depression I think, is the worst thing I have ever felt. All I do is cry and try to convince myself my daughter will be ok when I’m not here.

I did manage to speak to someone today, I wasn’t able to say much other than I needed help but they made sure I would be safe overnight and I have a triage assessment with perinatal mental health tomorrow. The lady I spoke to said she thought I was high risk for psychosis so she took what I said seriously and she promised my baby wouldn’t be taken away from me. The thought of talking tomorrow makes me feel exhausted but just trying to focus on answering the phone not anything after that.

Desperately trying to move house I’d move tomorrow if I could. It’s pretty sad but I started to pack away things in boxes a few weeks ago ready for when we do

Thank you for all your messages

Brilliant, glad to read that the ball is rolling.

Focusing your kind on packing a few things will probably do some good, unless it’s the kettle or something 😂🤭.

Kind=mind

Hi, just to say I hope your assessment goes well today

@Poppyflower674 you have taken the first step which is the hardest part. Hopefully the triage will enable you to start getting the help you need. Sending strength and hugs x

Glad to hear you are getting help now.
Being a new mother is always hard, but this year it must be so difficult. The isolation you've been experiencing would make anyone feel low, and you are also dealing with a baby more or less single handed, and probably suffering from sleep deprivation too.
My first thought when I read your post was that you should move to somewhere less isolated, so i was pleased to read that you are working on that.
Please be assured that you are essential to your baby's well-being, she needs you, her mum.
Your partner does not sound that brilliant, this is not all your fault. Looking after a baby is very 24/7, and if he's not doing his share are you even able to talk to friends or family on the phone/zoom? He should be making it a priority to get you out of the house regularly, and to facilitate visitors so that you are not so alone.
Other posters have signposted formal support, but please be aware that the way you are feeling is not because you are a bad mother or person, it is a combination of circumstances and PND.

Here for you OP. Don’t be embarrassed to tell your health professional how you feel. Be honest and if you’re worried, write it all done beforehand.

You are not alone. Your baby does need you. It’s such a difficult place to be right now, but it’s really important to seek help. Reaching out here shows you want to get the help and support you need.

Is there anyone IRL you can talk to? Call Samaritans if you need support. There are tons of other services out there to help too.

Know that it gets better. Sending lots of love to you.

How did things go yesterday op? Hope it was helpful. Sending love x