How do you deal with hitting?

[OhToBeASeahorse]

Another thread has left me rather dispirited. My son is 2.5 and daughter is 6 months - he hits and has bitten her, he pinches me in a frantic way he kicks...

It isnt everyday but nothing seems to be working. We've tried eye contact and just repeating 'no, we don't hit, hitting hurts'. We've tried putting him in another room. I have tried shouting (I didnt decide to, i was just on the edge). I've even tried tapping his hand. Nothing works. He either laughs or dissolves into tears.

Help?!

Separate them, say and demonstrate ‘gentle hands’, then distract. Rinse and repeat. Repeatedly. She’ll get it, babies are pretty clever, but it may take a while.

But it is worth doing at this age, saves a lot of harder work later if they don’t ever develop the habit of hitting rather than having to unlearn it. Even if that wasn’t the case (and I’m told it isn’t for all DC) then it’s still worth it for your ds to see that you won’t tolerate someone hurting him. That’s important for his well-being and trust in you.

Ah, sorry muddled up your dc, but hopefully it makes sense!

@NotOnMute thanks. It breaks my heart to think my baby doesnt feel safe. He's never really hit before and we are finding it so hard - I dont want to be wishy washy nor scare him witless...

Gentle hands means nothing. "No" is enough or "no hitting" . Then distract. Or in the this case give your oldest some attention if possible. I know it's hard, but it's probably a combination of frustration and jealously. How's is the oldest communication? Is it a case of the baby being in his way / in his game he's playing or is he going to her and hurting her to get your attention?

@pickaxer you know, I'm not sure. He gets so much attention, so if it's that there isnt much more I can do. The poor baby basically gets ignored. He also doesnt do it in anger - he is often laughing when he does it or just races up to her, hits her and runs away.
His speech is excellent.

It’s not so much he doesn’t feel safe as he needs to know what the boundaries are. And will actually be reassured to know that they’re there. But his little sister needs to feel safe.

For me, reinforcing what I want (so ‘gentle hands’, or ‘hold on tight’) has always worked better than ‘no!’, or ‘don’t fall’. It’s something I’ve read about - easier for a child to understand a positive than avoid a negative, especially when their language is just developing.

I agree with a PP, is he trying to get your attention away from the baby? Is there a particular trigger for his behaviour? If it’s always just before meals that could be a clue, for example.

@NotOnMute I agree with you about speaking positively generally to kids, in a walk slowly way, rather than no running. But for me for important at things No is saved for. If my child (or even my dog is about to step in the road I call no / stop. For hurting someone no is required. Sometimes it's important.

@OhToBeASeahorse tricky, could you try doing something's together with the baby as in modelling nice things to do with her rather than hitting. Like you do round and round the garden on him, then get him to do it gently on her hand. Or this little piggy on her foot. The ten little fingers book, counting ( if he's good with language) and do thelittle kisses on the tip of the nose ( you do his and he does hers.) Heads, shoulders knees and toes. You could also try love bombing from the baby to him. She can leave him a present ( something like a small toy like a car) or a colouring book ( whatever he's into.) Build the relationship, DD loves her big bother, she thinks you're cool. She could ask for a photo with him and his lap if she will tolerate this ?

I have a older boy and a younger girl and the boy is so much more sensitive, but maybe being the second child just makes you a little bit tougher ?!

Thanks both. Sorry I meant I want my baby daughter to feel safe, not scared she is going to be attacked.
We try to ask for the behaviour we want ('use your fork for your dinner, hands are for stroking etc' but will say 'no, we dont hit' when he does.

He loves having photos taken with her and will often talk to her ''it's ok darling girl (that's what I call her so he has copied) mummy is just driving but then she will stop'.

His behaviour was awful yesterday, I was on the phone to my sister as both my parents are in hospital. So I get it is for attention but some times i do need to do stuff...

Hi,

My DS went through a phase of pushing over his brother when he started to sit up on his own. So eldest was 2.5 and and baby was 6 months. I think it was a combination of feeling like his brother was coming into his space but he also liked to watch him fall backwards! DH would get very angry with DS and wanted to punish him but I wanted to help our eldest with his self-control and put the boundaries in place for him first.

We decided on a way to deal with it and stuck to it every single time:
-Didn’t leave them alone together, just took baby out of the room if we needed to leave it
-After a push we said ‘we use gentle hands pushing hurts I won’t let you hurt.” And took baby away.
-Moved on very quickly - no lectures or blame
-Noticed every positive interaction eldest had with his brother, especially when he was gentle with him.
-Tried to spend as much time as we could playing with eldest with baby in the room, this got easier when baby started crawling!
-Taught eldest to ask us to move his brother if he was in his way. He now does this instead of pushing him over (most of the time!)

It was hard but it’s really paying off - I still watch them like a hawk together but DS is lovely with his brother now. It takes a lot of patience but is worth it!