My child is exhausting and difficult

[Eatingsoupwithafork]

I love my 21 month old with all my heart but I find her so challenging. Every time we try and do something we think she’ll like, she wants to do the opposite cue the tantrums, the screams etc. She’s a challenging, strong minded, independent toddler who wants to explore and push boundaries. Everyone (affectionately) comments on her personality, they always have done, and I too love this about her but my goodness it’s difficult to parent day in and day out. I know people will say this is typical toddler behaviour but for perspective friends and family, who have lots of experience with children (even child minder friends) often comment that she’s one of the most active, strong minded toddlers they’ve met and that she must keep me on my toes.

She’s always been an overly active baby/toddler and if I’m honest I’ve always thought she just doesn’t like the baby/toddler stage as she can’t do what she thinks she should be able to do.

I don’t know what to do anymore I’ve read the books people recommend like the Child Whisperer, I tailor activities around her personality and I do everything to make our time together more pleasant but I finish the day feeling like an utter failure. Even a day at the park is a disaster because there’ll always be a climbing frame which is just that little bit too big for her and so she’ll scream and tantrum as other (much older) children can do it and she can’t.

Has anyone else had experience with a child with a personality like this and does it get more manageable?

Bump

Dunno if it gets more manageable but mine is the same. I think as she gets older though I'm finding it easier just to say no to all the things she wants to do and all the demands every five seconds and leave her to find her own way. 22 months old.

Sorry you feel this way, some children are more of a handful than others that's all so don't take it as a personal reflection on you. It's great that you recognise that the traits you describe will be strengths when she grows into them.

One thing that sort of jumps out a bit is that you seem to be walking on eggshells a bit and seeing tantrums as a disaster. When in fact tantrums are an undesirable but normal part of growing up.

In the families I work with, it's very noticeable that some families have tried to do everything they can to avoid a tantrum. Generally the result of this is that they get locked into ways of behaving "we can't go to x park we have to go to y park" whilst their child becomes a little dictator, threatening tantrums at every turn. The children are as scared as the parents because they don't feel safe with mum and dad tiptoeing around them.

This is an extreme example of course and I'm not for a moment suggesting that you're at this stage. However, would it be helpful to look at how you deal with her tantrums? Could you develop the approach of, we'll do this today and if she tantrums put her somewhere safe until she's finished and then carry on as you were? Rather than trying so hard to tailor everything to her to try to avoid the tantrums.

She is still very young, a baby really. It's not unusual for her age which is quite frustrating for her as she cannot understand some things nor express them adequately.

At least she shows some personality and individuality and, hopefully, will grown into a confident child. Obviously you can't give in to her on everything but be a bit patient, your daughter will outgrow this phase.

Every time we try and do something we think she’ll like, she wants to do the opposite

What do you mean? You try to get her to go on the swings and she wants to go on the slide?

Thank you for the replies. When she has a tantrum provided she is somewhere safe I let her have the tantrum then when she’s calmed down I will say “you can’t do that because of xyz, let’s do this instead”. I do try the deflect method too i.e. if she wants to use a climbing frame that’s for an older child I will try and encourage her to play on something else. If she persists and I can’t see a way to salvage the activity I will just say we are going home now and will follow through with that and go home. I do select activities that suit her personality though i.e. If things were open I’d try to choose outdoor activities rather than something where she feels restrictive.

When she tantrums in public I’m calm as I think if I react negatively it will exacerbate the situation, I won’t lie though I am dying of embarrassment inside and I do feel judged particularly as children of friends and family are not as extreme in their emotions as her.

She does have a big personality and is well loved at nursery. All the parents and children know her name (several parents have told me her name is one of their childs first words) and nursery always celebrate her kindness and comment that if a new child joins the class she’s the first to show them the ropes and share the toys. So for all of her tantrums she does have a massive heart.

She sounds great, op! Honestly, this will pass.

I have this situation with my DD at the park too but I hold her whilst she does the big kids equipment. I mean she can't do it properly but it's nice to let her try. You'll be surprised how quickly they learn to climb even at that size. I also figure the quicker she learns, the sooner she will be independent in the playground.

@Welikebeingcosy yes I try and help her climb on bigger equipment too, but the one she wanted to climb is like the picture and my help barely made a dent in it

If you're going there regularly take some ribbon pieces with you and loosely tie it to the bottom, or close to the bottom, ropes. Make it into a game that she has to collect all the ribbon pieces and then move them around depending on her ability. It may distract her from wanting to climb to the top.

My ds was a very difficult, headstrong toddler and preschooler. And also needed little sleep. My gran used to say he was exactly like my (board level) uncle was as a young child and so he would go far in business

He thrives in school (juniors now) and his teacher said he is a delight and has no concerns at all. Perfect behaviour etc.

My tip would be to tire them out and feed them well. He also gets hangry! Our mornings were always active. Either preschool or swimming or gymtots etc. Calmer afternoons, a thinking active ie crafts, music, colouring, puzzles etc.

And meditate.

At a department store cafe one
Morning with my preschooler ds, the server let him scan our items. He then wanted to continue to scan everyone’s items. So massive tantrum, Unconsolable, and then ran from the cafe to the other side if the department store, where i managed to grab him. Id left my handbag everything on our table!

When i carried him back to our table the food was there and he sat beautifully and ate all his food, the server then brought him crayons and a picture and we stayed there for an hour in total as he was so engrossed in his colouring. nobody could believe the difference in him before and after he had eaten. I just sat there feeling like mush, cradling my cup of tea, annoyed at myself for not packing carrot sticks...

Some children need to keep their brains active all the time.

You're daughter sounds very much likely 2 and half year old son. He is busy. One of the busiest small children I know. He's also fearless, curious and far too confident for his own good. He would beeline for that equipment too. He feels all the feels, all the time. Lots of big emotions, from infectious joy, to big red rages. The tantrum situation here is made worse by the fact his speech is delayed, though improving, so he just can't always articulate what he wants to convey.
He's very well liked at his nursery too, which is a comfort. He's very loveable just somewhat exhausting.

I don't always get it right but I just try to ride out the tantrums. Move him somewhere safe, if needed. Ignore. Offer cuddles once the storm is over. Explain as simply as possible why he couldn't do/have xyz. There's a lot to be said for distraction too. I'm a primary school teacher which I think has helped prepare me not to take all tantrums personally - although, that's harder with your own child. Some days I'm counting the minutes until bedtime.

Your daughter sounds just like mine.
She was such hard work, and I never understood why everyone else's child seemed so much easier. My child was always such high energy, would get irrational ideas and be so bloody minded about them. And yes, I was always the mum taking her home after a tantrum, wondering why it was always me.

Roll on to 5, and I signed her up to a gymnastics class. Her energy and determination meant she was quickly picked for squad, and ended up competing and thriving in her sport. She trained 20 hours a week, but being so high energy, I honestly think it kept her / us sane. Many of the other mums said the same, they signed their children up through desperation as they were so energetic/ fearless etc..

Roll on a few more years, and I now have a bloody minded teenager. Only she's old enough now to be sensible about her choices. When she sees her friends going out, getting stupidly drunk and puking everywhere she rolls her eyes at them, asking why they would to do something so stupid. She's not afraid to tell her friends when they're being idiots. And she's determined in her A levels too. Last parents evening, she was predicted straight As for all her subjects. She's not mega bright, she just knows what career she wants and is bloody determined to go to the university of her choice (she needs AAB to get there).

Meanwhile my youngest, who was always such an easy going child, eager to please.... is turning into a much trickier teen now she cares more about her friends opinions, than she does mine!

Try Janet lansbury or big little feelings on Instagram.

Sounds like she has big feelings and you're trying to deflect her feelings away rather than acknowledge them.

For example for the climbing frame you could say something like "Oh, that's so frustrating. It's really hard to do. You're trying so hard and you still can't reach it!" Acknowledge and allow that she feels frustrated, disappointed, even angry, and she will probably process it and move on to something else of her own accord, she doesn't need you to suggest it to her. You can also try verbalising what she wants (this is from how to talk so kids will listen) like "I bet you wish you were really tall! I wish I had a magic wand so I could make you grow right now." although saying this I found this works from about 3, 21 months may be a bit little.

It seems like you're trying to prevent or minimise the tantrums, but this is totally age appropriate for her to do and the best way to get through it is not so much to ignore but to kind of join in and empathise. That way she's more able to gain vocabulary to express the way she feels as well which might mean in time she is able to say "Aaaargh this stupid climbing frame! Why did they make it so high?! I wish I was taller!" and then move on rather than it being a full blown screaming fit, which I know, isn't very pleasant to sit through so it's totally understandable that you would want to minimise or stop it. But I think the only way out is through, especially at her age, and I think that taking a more active role in accepting her feelings might be key as opposed to a more passive approach where you simply don't try to stop them, if that makes sense?

By which I mean I think the normal "gentle parenting" stuff might be too gentle of an approach. You don't want to be punitive either, you're doing exactly right in avoiding a punitive response, but I think something more robust than the gentle stuff will be helpful. Janet Lansbury has a blog and podcasts which are all free and much better than her books.

Something that might help OP is to let her have a choice. One of the things that frustrates young children is that they are desperate to be independent and find our control over decisions suffocating.
So for example set out two outfits which are acceptable to you and let her choose. Two acceptable activities and let her choose. Two meals etc etc. This really helped when my DD was a toddler.
As an aside I did suspect from an early age she was not neurotypical and she was later diagnosed with ADHD.