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Parenting

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Original poster

Can I ask you opinion of what is the ‘norm’ in regards to contact for NRP

19 replies

MISSC86 · 03/04/2021 22:28

Hi guys

I just wanted some general opinions.

My husband has 1 DD, her mother will only allow him contact EOW, no extra time in half terms etc, we’re also not allowed to take her on holiday.

We have asked to have her for a night here and there in the week but she always says no as she has school. We are able to get her to school on time etc without any issues.

At least once every 2 months, her mother will say that she is picking her up early, more often than not, a day early, leaving us with one night EOW, (cutting into DH’s time with her) for someone’s birthday etc. When he asks to have her another night in place of the one, it always seems to be a long drawn out process in getting a straight answer.

She also won’t allow DSD to come to visit if she hasn’t ‘behaved’.

Can I just get some general opinions on the situation please?

OP posts:

Zampa · 03/04/2021 22:32

DH had court ordered contact, EOW weekend, one evening in the alternate week and 4 weeks holiday per year. He wouldn't have got it without a fight.

The children are teens now and we don't hold them to the above anymore. However, DH's ex is far more reasonable now and we see them often.

Original poster

MISSC86 · 03/04/2021 22:34

@Zampa

DH had court ordered contact, EOW weekend, one evening in the alternate week and 4 weeks holiday per year. He wouldn't have got it without a fight.

The children are teens now and we don't hold them to the above anymore. However, DH's ex is far more reasonable now and we see them often.

Thank you for posting.

As DSD gets older it would purely be her preference when she wanted to visit etc. She always says she’d like to spend more time with us but she always gets a very firm ‘no’ from her Mum which upsets her.

OP posts:

Happycat1212 · 03/04/2021 22:37

He can take her to court then?

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MarieDelaere · 03/04/2021 22:40

What does the current court order / child arrangements order actually stipulate?

I think your husband needs to work from that. The 'normal' arrangements should be within it.

Original poster

MISSC86 · 03/04/2021 22:41

@Happycat1212

He can take her to court then?

I suggested sitting down with her and talking about it!, so he spoke to her this evening when she picked her up (a day early! again!) and she said ‘the schedule is fine as it is, no need to mess about with it now’. I said maybe we could look into mediation etc, so we’re going to look into this after the BH. I wanted to get some ideas on what the baseline was so we had some idea of what was a reasonable request.

OP posts:

Original poster

MISSC86 · 03/04/2021 22:43

@MarieDelaere

What does the current court order / child arrangements order actually stipulate?

I think your husband needs to work from that. The 'normal' arrangements should be within it.

He doesn’t have a court order or anything official in place. It’s always just been arranged between them. It’s all very one sided and she calls all the shots! It breaks my heart as DSD often gets really upset saying she wants to see us more and asks us to talk to her Mum, which we do but her Mum just doesn’t care and says if DSD behaved more she could see us more.

If she misbehaves she doesn’t get to see us at all and she’ll keep her home.

OP posts:

Original poster

MISSC86 · 03/04/2021 22:46

Just to add, even when DSD does ‘behave’ to her Mum’s standard, she still says no to extra time!

OP posts:

DarkDarkNight · 03/04/2021 22:49

My ex generally has my son for 2 nights during the week then Fri-Sun the next. It’s quite casual though, he sometime doesn’t have him midweek depending on work. He may have him for 3 days at the weekend. He visits him through the week if he misses the midweek contact.

I’m lucky enough to have stayed close with my ex. I’m aware that isn’t always possible, but I think if you can stay flexible it’s so much better. My Son has longer with his dad during school holidays, if I’m ill he will often pick him up and he’s been away for a few nights with his dad and grandparents which is really important to me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/04/2021 22:55

Have I missed how old she is?

This is ridiculous. Why’s he getting pushed around by his ex like this instead of getting an official contact schedule?

Not allowed to take her on holiday? Why on Earth not? He’s her father. Is he on her birth certificate and has parental responsibility? How long have they been split up?

With no court order at the moment if she wanted to pick up early he could just say no. He could say he’s not giving her back. Don’t do that, obviously, but she has no more rights than he does and he’s failing his DD and his relationship with her by going along with this bullshit outrageous set up at the whims of her mother.

He needs to step up and do some research into mediation and then court. He can self represent for about £200 if he doesn’t want or can’t afford a lawyer.

Happycat1212 · 03/04/2021 22:55

I wanted to get some ideas on what the baseline was so we had some idea of what was a reasonable request.

I can’t help personally as my ex is absent (through his own choice) but the usual seems to be EOW and one day/night midweek

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 03/04/2021 22:55

You are allowed to take her on holiday if he is on her birth certificate he has parental responsibility. He needs to actually do more than just ask her and accept her rules, but is there more to the story? Did he bother before you came along?

Happycat1212 · 03/04/2021 22:57

Actually to take a child on holiday both parents need the other parents permission in writing if they have PR, you need permission off everyone with PR

COS2102 · 03/04/2021 22:57

I'm not sure there really is a 'norm' these days. We have a 50:50 arrangement and both households have a minimum of 1 week and 1 4 night holiday each year. If your husband and his daughter want to spend more time together then he definitely needs to book mediation....which the mother may not attend but the mediator can then sign the form which allows him to take things to court. I can't believe that her time with her Dad is based on her behaviour, that's awful!

MarieDelaere · 03/04/2021 22:58

It's not great there's no order in place.

Anyway in answer to your primary question, the minimum is surely EOW. And that could be Fri-Sun pm/early eves, or Sat-Sun. That's what an order would help clarify.

Plus approx half holidays.

Plus every other Xmas day, at least part day.

Until the child was old enough to express a firm opinion, usually around 12-13 for most family courts.

jessstan2 · 03/04/2021 23:00

How old is your step-daughter?

idontlikealdi · 03/04/2021 23:03

He needs to go to court

Crimeismymiddlename · 03/04/2021 23:15

Your husband needs to get a court order. This is one of the saddest things I have read in a while. That poor little girl, visitation should not hinge on the child’s behaviour-she must feel so horrible every time she can’t visit and is told it’s her own fault. Your husband should have gone to court a long time ago.

VimFuego101 · 03/04/2021 23:17

I would start documenting any issues like this so you have dates and details for mediation (especially the part about not being allowed to come if she's been naughty, that's awful). As a previous poster said, EOW plus half of holidays and possibly a mid week evening (if they live close enough) is the norm.

BraveGoldie · 03/04/2021 23:22

Sounds totally unreasonable. My ex and I go 50-50.... extremely flexible. I would never ever ever stop her from seeing him as much as she wanted/ as much as he wanted.

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