My son has been to see the Headmistress 3 times this week! please help

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My son is usually a nice and well behaved boy. He is in year one. I have never before been told that there is a problem with him in school aside from once which I will explain about further down(at least not that he has cause). He is not disruptive in class, he can focus and get on with his work, but the problem seems to be at playtime.

Yesterday his teacher told me that it has been a really bad week. He has had to go and see the Headmisstress twice this week for bad behaviour. By this, they mean for hurting another child/fighting. He spat one boy in the face, he kicked another. I had talks with him about this at home, and he promised to be good and not hurt his friends.
But today when I came to pick him up his teacher told me he had to go see the headmistress again for the third time this week. Today he hurt a boy that has just recently returned to school after two weeks in hospital having operations on his eyes. I am disappointed, and very upset with him.

My husband has been away for a month, he went to India the week before half term. His teacher says that the problems started just before half term. I hope the two are related, because this should mean his behaviour returns to normal next week, as my husband is coming back tomorrow.

Punishment, withdrawals of treats, etc has never really worked with my son. I never punish, I only just talk. Sometimes he is sent to his room to "think about things" if he has misbehaved. But I have not had to resort to this at all the last two years! When he was just three, my only method of disciplining would be to send him to his room, and for me to join him 5 minutes later to talk about what the problem was, and then we would hug and continue our day.

Maybe I have been too lenient on him. At 5 1/2 he is old enough to know not to fight and to be good. He knows that it will lose him friends. He has kicked another boy once before, when he was in reception, and this boy has not played with my son since, saying my son betrayed their friendship by kicking him. He kicked him on the shin. My son knows that this is why Joe wont play with him.

So, and the other thing is, as I did not know what to do to reprimand him for this, we spoke about it this morning before school, and then he goes and hurts a child again. So I told him he was banned from the computer for a month, and he would not get the spiderman web blaster toy his dad will bring him from India until he has proven that he can be good and there are no more visits to the Headmistress. AND I bannished him to his room till dinner time. AND I told him he could not decorate the 40 chocolate cake slices I have baked for his best friends birthday. (That was the only thing he was upset about) But, when I saw his sad face when we started decorating the cakes, I had a chat with him about behaviour and said, because it seems he understand the situation I would let him decorate cakes.

I am not good at reprimands, and I dont know what to do. Was I too harsh?

He has been waiting for the spiderman toy for a month, should I let him have it? And how can I get myself out of this without losing authority?

(I used to be StarryStarryNight till recently)

It is a tricky situation but I am a firm beleiver in warning children about consequences rather than arbitrarily allocating punishments. I think I would talk to him and tell him how upset you are at his behaviour and warn him what will happen if it continues, then put a positive spin on things saying that if he does manage x number of days being good then he will have a treat (which you can agree together)

I really would let him have the spiderman toy - at 5 he is too young to have a punishment so long after the event and anyway the school have dealt with it themselves

Oh god love ye qs, what a terrible time this is. Even as i just started to read this thread i was thinking, this is cos dad is away and things are stressful and i feel so bad for you both. The teacher said that it started before midterm so that backs up what you say about how good your ds is usually. Look at the way you are able to flag the only other time ds was up against another child, if he was at this a lot you would not be able to remember the first situation iykwim. Maybe let dad have a chat about what has been going on and then let them decide between them if the web blaster should be handed over

Thanks.
I will let him have the web blaster toy.

Id be freakin furious!

Hes had several warnings in a polite quiet adult manner that you have described.
This methid clearly isnt working is it?
You talked to him again this morning beofre school and hes gone straight in and done it again.

Short sharp shock treatment i feel is in order.

I dont mean violence, but some severe punishment.

I think all the things you did was too much. I was this, that and the other. No computer, no web blaster, dad will phone, off to his room, and no cake decorating.
It needs just one thing one big thing.

Embarressing my dd works a treat. She hates embarresment in front of her friends. And she is petrified of dp (which is infuriating for me, but relief too) so him telling her off has far more effect than me.

Would it be possible that he apologises to the boy infront of parents and you maybe?

Could he be upset about something that he hasn't told you about?
DS1 went through a month-long phase of being disruptive and hurting other children and he was in and out of the headteacher's office. After lots of talking, it turned out that his friends had stopped playing with him and he was being disruptive and hitting the other children for attention as he felt he was being ignored (he was 4 at the time so it took a while to get this out of him).
Then he made another really close friend and all the bad behaviour stopped and he went back to being the gentle, sensitive child he always was.

He has apolgized to the boys in question.

It is just that it is UNUSUAL. He is normally such as good boy, and this method of "adult" talk with him has worked for years. Till now. I am all for rewarding good behaviour, but not when introduced as incentive after being bad, because then that in a sense would be reward.

He did spend two hours in his room, as that is how long it took for me to finnish the cakes, clean the kitchen, and get dinner on the table. By then he was crying from boredom, beggin to come down, but I told him not until dinner as that was what I had said. He did not get any pudding today, and computer time is off, he did not even ask about the computer at all when we came home.

His dad is even softer than me. I cant threaten with daddy. But I guess we can sit down and talk about it together when daddy gets back, and he can explain to us why he deserves that toy and make a case for himself.

He is a daddys boy, they do projects together, and he loves daddy very much.

But I think, his dad did something thoughtless when he promised him that toy on his return, as it made him miss him even more. Not only is daddy away, and he wants him back, BUT he will also bring the most fabtabulous toy in the world! It is not cheering him up to think about it, it is turning daddy being away into an allconsuming issue, as he is made to WAIT for the toy. This has to stop.

Does he say why he felt he wanted/needed to behave like that?
Had the boy annoyed him?

You know, he did bring up something at the dinnertable yesterday.

His friend was here on a playdate, and his friend said he had dialled 999 once when he was a baby. I said Alex had too, and the Police had come, as they just heard strange sounds from us going about doing everyday stuff (phone was left off the hook). So, my son said. "But mummy, you were crying when the police came." It took a while before it clicked. But when he was 2 1/2, I was 6 weeks pregnant with his brother, we had been to the park and when we came home, my neighbour was outside having a meltdown (unstable), she was attacking me, spitting in my face, calling me a scandinavian cunt, I shouted for my husband, and he had to hold her back as she was trying to kick me. She threw our flower pots, and my husband had to call the police. I was crying and very upset. And my son had witnessed this whole thing.

The last weeks my neighbour has been back with her violent boyfriend, my sons room is facing her front door, and they are rowing a lot in the night.

It could be that he remembers what he saw as a two year old, and displaying the behaviour in school that he saw my neighbour did to me.

??? Or am I putting too much hidden depth into this?

No, that could be it. it definitely sounds like he's upset about something if this behaviour has just come out of nowhere and is out of character.

Well, its a long shot.

Is a distant memory for him, half a lifetime!

But it does sound familiar, spitting, kicking etc.

Usually though, id of thought a child would have to witness something like currently or more frequently inorder to want to reinact it, or to think it was normal acceptable behaviour.

You should ask him how he feels about his neighbour.

But when you talk your recent talks to him, does he explain a reason for lashing out at all?

he could be worried that your dh isn't their to protect you from the mad neighbour

Clearly his dad being away is affecting him - I thnk the stuff from your neighbours attack is too circuitous.

I think that when children are insecure it helps to hold boundaries firm, not loosen them. He cannot be allowed to think that he can react to disruption at home by taking it out on other people.

Personally, i would not impose long-term distant punishments, but i would be very very firm and definite and focussed about what is not all right, impose an immediate punsihment - go t room, no ckae decorating, then make up...and spend dome time talking about positive things he will do with his freinds.

You sound a bit soft and 'pleading'...asking young children to take responsibility is sometimes too much for them - talking is all very well, sometimes they need someone to say 'NO, you don't do that' rather than explain why they shouldn't but leave the onus on them to make the choice.

ggirl, could be.

No plausible explanation. With spitting, this boy was following him singing up into his face, he said. So he got mad and did not know what to do, so he spat at him. And the boy ran to tell the teacher. With the kicking it "just happened". They were playfighting.

I am sitting down to his level, hold his shoulders firm (but without hurting him) and looking in his eyes and saying "You must NOT hurt other children"
It is just that I have no consequence other than explaining that they will not want to play with him and he will have no friends if he does this.

What about the poor kid who has just come out of hospital? Why did he hurt him?

Blus post is superb!

Be fierce - show him you mean business.

the kid who came out of hospital was accidentally hurt when he was play fighting with another boy. he said. he does not usually lie. But, these days, i cant be too sure

I agree Blus post is supberb. I am too soft, and probably pleading.

Boys are rough and tumble arent they though.

It doesnt sound as bad as it did now to me from the op.
But i would be sterner with him, he needs to learn when to control himself and not get carried away.

It doesnt now sound as though it his experience as a 2 yr old, although he clearly does remember it.

But he is sent to the head teacher for it. Maybe they are just diluting the whole head teacher effect when a child has to go to the head teacher because he accidentally kicked another boy, AND apologized, yet still goes to headmistress?

I shall be sterner, he needs to know to control himself and to behave.

I really like the sounds of your gentle interactions with your son, tbh.

And I like the way you are trying to get to the bottom of the situation.

THinking of it from his point of view - there must be something awful in his mind for him to be violent like this - something he's worried and upset about - and maybe instead of "discipline" you can be sympathetic and talk through how that's not an ok thing to do at school becuase it hurts other children AND gets all the adults angry. He's going to be ashamed, confused, unhappy about it - I don't see how you punishing him will help anything, tbh. Much better to let him use you as a sounding board for finding better ways of interacting with other people - guide not discipline (the way I wrote that probably sounds all wrong for a 5 year old, but I think the principle stands)

I don't think boys are 'rough and tumble' to the extent that they kick people and hurt people who are vulnerable...none of DS's friends do that...and it doesn't sound as if QS's boy is, either.

Because you do talk to him properly and regularly, he might be able to explain what he is up to. I wonder if he is somehow trying to be 'the man of the house' in the absence of his dad, and (because he is 50 getting it all wrong? Could someone else be pushing him around at school and he is trying to regain self-respect or 'look tough'?

Talk, ask, find out...but as well as that i still think boundaries help...gald you didn't take offnce at my 'pleading' comment.

God - it's hard, QS - i just want to give big hugs to lovely little boys who get themselves into stuff which is beyond themselves, iyswim.

(my DS is a v young yr2)

I agree with emmaagain, cracking down hard on him won't get to the cause of his behaviour. Obviously you have to be firm so he understands the consequences of his actions, but he's not acting like this for no reason.