Painfully shy toddler

[Willow4987]

My 2.5 year old DS is painfully shy, he’s always been this way and the last year of lockdowns has only made it worse

I spent the first year of his life taking him to classes, socialising with friends/family and other children and he always would sit on the edge for at least an hour before starting to engage more. It’s like he needed that warm up time. People always comment on how calm he is because he’s so shy it was perceived as being a calm child - he’s the polar opposite at home or with adults he’s comfortable with - loud, boisterous, quick to laugh and get involved etc

Obviously the last year hasn’t helped as he’s been isolated from his friends and family but we’ve kept him at nursery twice a week to keep him socialising with other people to try and gradually build his confidence

But now that things are easing we’re starting to see family again, some he hasn’t seen in 6 months

We’re trying not to label him as shy in front of him and let him ease into situations without to much pressure but I’m conscious that it comes across as rudeness when he’s just painfully shy. I think it’s starting to offend/upset some family members as if he doesn’t like them which isn’t true. He just doesn’t know them

I just don’t know how to help him

All I can think is more exposure to situations where he doesn’t know people but with no pressure to speak until he’s ready is the only thing I can do

Sorry for the ramble

It sounds like your really caring and doing the right thing. I was very shy as a small child and my mum was always super frustrated by it - which I don't think really helped! I would keep exposing him, try and meet the same people regularly to develop friendships. As he gets older you can start to play games where you model different social situations.

I’m conscious that it comes across as rudeness when he’s just painfully shy. I think it’s starting to offend/upset some family members as if he doesn’t like them which isn’t true.

I wouldn’t worry about this - I don’t think anybody would describe a 2.5 year old child as rude. And equally I don’t think any adult could be genuinely offended by a toddler either!

FWIW, my DS is 1 and is really cautious and reserved around new people, particularly when they make a big fuss of him. I’m trying to help him by asking family members and friends not to make a beeline for him when we meet and just carry on as normal, so he can watch everyone else interacting and get involved on his own terms. Sort of easing him in gently really!

I've been there OP. Just let him develop at his own pace. If you feel the need to explain his behaviour to anyone, just say he is always quiet around people he doesn't know very well and tell them not to take it personally.

I don't like the word "shy" either. I sometimes take about being "reserved" or a more "private" person. Or a "quiet" or "calm" person.

He is who he is and you can't change that. You are doing the right things I think. He goes to nursery so is exposed to lots of other people - good. You let him adjust to people and don't force him to socialise if he isn't ready - also good.

Accept him and support him but never try to force him. Obviously he needs to try to be polite and say please, thank you etc. That can be tricky, but they will get there.

He will most likely gradually increase in confidence throughout childhood. He may still be reserved as a teenager but you can reassure him that his confidence will grow and that it is absolutely fine to be a reserved quite person around others as an adult, as long as he is polite.

If you can afford it I’d try sending him to nursery more. You often need at least 3 days to reap the social benefits and he’s at an age where increasing social opportunities in a safe and familiar environment might work better.

My daughter was like this as a toddler too, I put her in 2-3 group before preschool to try and get her used to the environment and staff - they referred her for a hearing test (all clear) then she was assessed by an educational psychologist who thought it was Selective Mutism.

Because of that we were able to get an enhanced transition to preschool then school.

We were told not to label her as shy, tell her our plans in advance - where she's going, who we'll see and always ask if she'd like to speak. If she says no we explain to people that "X doesn't want to speak today but she's happy to see you" - if she wants to engage she'll sometimes give a little wave from behind my back.

She's 8 now and still struggles in new environments and still doesn't speak/engage probably half the time - people have suggested that she is rude but I just explain that she doesn't like to speak or make eye contact sometimes then encourage them to move on. Older relatives seem to struggle most but who cares?! She did enjoy nursery and likes school but it hasn't really made a huge difference to her social skills (she's always been "normal" with other kids) but she doesn't feel comfortable standing Infront of the class or speaking out so can fade into the background sometimes.

At home and in familiar environments she is constantly yapping/singing/screeching/stropping like an 13 year old 8 year old usually does 🤨😁

Thanks everyone, I’ll take the advice on board and hopefully now that things are opening up we can start to gently introduce him to people more regularly and hopefully go to some groups soon

He will be going to nursery for more days next year when I go back to work but until then I can’t really afford to send him more regularly - I already feel guilty that he goes at all when I’m at home but we felt it was important that he continued to have outside socialisation in case he became worse if he wasn’t in nursery if you see what I mean

If anyone finds a 2 year old rude then they don’t understand 2 year olds!

I am shy and i wish my parents had just accepted me as I was i stead of pushing me to be someone i wasn’t.

Your toddler will probably grow out of this phase anyway.

I’m now worried this is more than shyness. He’s not speak to anyone that he doesn’t know extremely well or an environment he’s comfortable with

I don’t know if he’s got selective mutism or just doesn’t want to talk.

Today at nursery handover he (as always) won’t speak even to me and then as soon as we start walking away it’s like a switch has been flipped and he’s then non-stop.

I just don’t know whether I leave it with gentle encouragement and hope it improves with time or do I try and do something? What I don’t know but I worry that if I don’t do anything then it will get worse. I don’t want him to go to school and not be able to talk to anyone. He’s been back at nursery for 6 months now and still will only say yes or no if asked a direct question

That sounds exactly like my selective mute @Willow4987.

Don't pressure him, have nursery staff picked up on it too? It's worth asking them to help push an Ed Psych referral - they put us in touch with the hearing clinic, Speech and Language Therapy (even though she had/has good language comprehension) who were able to give us advice/guidance on supporting her in life and school environments as well as giving access to in school support.

Thanks @EvilOnion. Have things improved for your DC after the referrals?

Nursery have discussed how shy he is but know he does have the ability to speak (and very well). They’ve heard him talking to older children and on occasion another worker when they went for a walk (I suspect he was distracted/excited so almost forgot himself)

They haven’t mentioned anything about selective mutism or referrals. It’s just something I’ve come across on my googling to try and help

That was my next question, does he interact with other children? Again, very similar to mine - she has always interacted with children pretty well but adults including family members can be a no go!

There's not really much they can do about it and the hope is that she will outgrow it eventually but for now the extra support has helped her feel more secure in school.

It's meant that she had access to enhanced transition to school so she was introduced to her teacher earlier, she went to nursery to visit her and get to know her before school visits started and they know not to pressure her for answers or reading in front of the class do she gets small group sessions for reading and maths where she needs to speak out.

Yes he’s exactly the same! Is ok with children mostly but still won’t talk to some of them...he mainly prefers girls or older children

That sounds exactly like what he would need. I’ll speak to nursery and the health visitors to see about a referral

Hi @Willow4987 I’m wondering if you’re still about for an update some years on?

My son is 2 next month and honestly is the exact same as you’ve described here really.

Hi!

yes I’m here!

DS1 is doing much better now. He’s 6 years old and in year 2

the first 6 months at school were ok - he was very quiet and didn’t interact with anyone much however his teachers made an effort to put him in small groups for activities to build his confidence. He then sat next to another boy on a school trip and they’ve been best friends ever since!

he’s grown in confidence steadily over the last 3 years to the point he volunteered to do a speaking part at his nativity which is something I never thought he would do

hes still naturally shy but much more confident to speak to people now and is very chatty most of the time. School has been an absolute god send for him

he didn’t like the chaotic environment of nursery so when he went to school we really saw an improvement in his confidence

@Willow4987 Thank you so much for the update. That’s lovely to hear, you must be so proud of him.

I am starting to accept my son is just shy as part of his personality tbh. I don’t force him in to situations but have started to make more of an effort the last 4 months to see more friends and family. I blamed myself for a long time because just before he turned one I became pregnant with his baby sister. Had the worst pregnancy ever with HG and trying to stumble through with 2 children, then moved house and that was also chaotic right before an elected c section.

I now try to spend 2 or 3 mornings seeing friends or family every week, we now go to a gymnastics class once a week which so far he’s not joined in with (have been for two sessions), soft plays, parks, walks, shopping etc. he is generally LOADS better but still super shy and quiet. He’s such a chatty and funny little boy for us at home and I would love for others to see it and they do a little but he barely speaks a word around other people.

@Lefmry ah bless him! It will probably take time. We saw a big jump in confidence as he approached 5

I think you’re doing all the right things…just keep trying to socialise him without forcing him. It will come with time

definitely make sure teachers are aware if it’s still the same when he goes to school so they can put things in place