Lost my temper :( but don’t know what I should’ve done instead

[UncleBunclesHouse]

DS2 years has recently developed a very cheeky streak and looks at you whilst performing ‘undesirable behaviours’ waiting for a reaction, then laughs if you tell him no etc. I usually try to not react and ignore, so he’s taken it up a notch and started climbing dangerous/unstable objects, especially if opportunities for injury on e.g. hard floors.

Anyway, today I completely lost my temper. I’m so ashamed. He was scaling his high chair which has tipped over before when he has tried this, on the stone tiles. I said no firmly, he laughed, I shouted NO, he laughed even more, chair started to wobble and I completely lost it. I am pregnant with SPD so couldn’t get to him very quickly to save him, and I absolutely screamed at him at the top of my voice and grabbed him roughly off the chair leg. His little face crumpled and I ended up in tears too. I don’t even know what to do about this. I feel so terrible, my own mother was shouty, violent and short tempered and I have vowed I would never be like that.

Any advice, practical in terms of what to do in these situations and general methods of handling toddler behaviour calmly and effectively would be really appreciated.

Aw no! Don't feel bad about it. Have you tried substituting 'no' with the desired behaviour? And try it with a completely blank face and even voice. So 'sitting in your chair' or 'standing on the floor' and repeating this a few times with 'good listening', ' nice sitting' or something similar and quickly directing him if he looks like he's going to keep doing it?

Don't beat yourself up. It's really hard particularly if you're pregnant and they do try to test boundaries at that age. You'll need to ignore that behaviour, and with the high chair don't say no. Just take him down and explain with lots of words and intonation why it's not a good idea. He'll understand the tone. Catch him being good...

Watch a supernanny video where she uses a “time out” step or mat or chair etc.
I used this method with all of my DC and it was brilliant. No need to get to the point of losing your temper and if done consistently it doesn’t take long before you only have to issue the warning to get the undesired behaviour to stop.
Meanwhile, don’t beat yourself up about losing your temper. We’ve all done it and you recognise that’s not how you want to parent going forward so no reason why you can’t set up some practices you’re more happy with.

I come from an abusive home, and I beat myself up horribly when I run out of patience and shout.

The thing to remember is that when we (you or I) shout, it’s surrounded by 100 other demonstrations of love and care and it’s the exception not the rule. I imagine if you’re like me, you also do some “mental health hygiene” with your kid after, and explain/apologise for your lapse.

This isn’t to excuse abusive behaviour which takes place in the context of other, better parenting, but this isn’t abusive behaviour. It’s shouting to stop a child maiming themselves. It’s not what you experienced as a child, and it’s not something to berate yourself for.

Context is everything. You are good enough

Don’t feel bad. Sometimes the only way they know you mean business is if you really tell them off. It will not cause him damage by you raising your voice (or even shouting on the odd occasion). And in a dangerous situation where he could be seriously hurt then no amount of talking etc is going to work you removed him from a dangerous scenario which avoided a serious injury so was absolutely the right thing to do.

Also counting to 3 worked every time with my son...
no idea what would happen at 3 but it still worked.

I think you shouted in shock/fear rather than anger / lost temper. I wouldn’t feel bad honestly.

We’ve all had moments like that. Your anger was out of concern for your child’s safety, rather than just being shouty.

I recommend the book ‘Toddler Taming’ which has some good management strategies.

We all lose patience sometimes - he won't even remember it.

With 2 year olds ignoring doesn't work, and voice control alone doesn't work. Saying a very stern "NO." and physically removing them immediately from whatever they are doing works... eventually.

Watch a supernanny video where she uses a “time out” step or mat or chair etc.

Don't do this. Supernanny is vile but also 'time out' is very out-dated. Now it's a about 'time-in', sitting with a child /near to them while they calm down.

Also - he's 2. It's not bad behaviour at this stage, it's just not knowing & needing boundaries. I get that you're pregnant but as soon as he heads to the high-chair, go & get him. Saying 'no' often doesn't work - they think it's a game. Then distract him, as much as you can.

My 2 year old has no concept of danger and I get to this point not infrequently. She will climb on anything. My general approach is to offer alternative options for her when she’s doing something I’d rather she didn’t but it’s not as though this always works. Also picking my battles. I think DH gets even more stressed and shouty than me and I try to help him not to but I can’t blame him. So I don’t see anything wrong with what you did!

Supernanny may be outdated but I found it a really good technique and of zero harm to my DC. I could never do controlled crying and co-slept with all of them but had no problem implementing this style of setting boundaries. It taught them their boundaries in a really simple way with no lingering ill feeling and gives them a chance to have a think about what you’ve asked them not to do before they then need to have the time out. I have 4 DC and hardly had to use the technique with any of them after they were about 4-5 years old and now they are older I find them considerate and easily able to accept occasional direction. I get complimented regularly on their behaviour and personally I’m very happy I used that technique. Sitting down and talking to a determined or tantruming 2 year old is not going to achieve anything imho.

We use time out but call it thinking time- I don’t understand what is the problem of removing a child from a situation or providing a safe place for a child to think?
At about 2/2.5 even young children understand that they are doing something undesirable .

Sitting down and talking to a determined or tantruming 2 year old is not going to achieve anything imho.

I definitely don't recommend this! My post said to remove child quickly, offer distractions.

Time out, as used by Supernanny, is terrible. It isolates the child, and they basically do anything the adult wants to get out of it. Do you remember she used to enforce the number of minutes of time out that matched the child's age? If the child left before the time, they were physically brought back & made sit there. It was brutal.

However, thinking time or time-in, which sounds like what you & another poster did, is much more productive. It allows the child time until they feel calm & then the situation can be addressed. It's key that they're not isolated. Often saying 'you stay here with me until your calm' works, don't give them attention for the behaviour, when they're calm you can discuss.

But still, not for a 2 yo, especially one climbing dangerously. No need for any other intervention than stopping him, and telling him it's not safe. He won't get it yet but will if he hears it often enough.

@EarringsandLipstick I agree on the swift removal as the better option, problem is at the moment that is physically very difficult for me :( I can hardly walk and am on crutches quite a lot of the time

@Standrewsschool

We’ve all had moments like that. Your anger was out of concern for your child’s safety, rather than just being shouty.

I recommend the book ‘Toddler Taming’ which has some good management strategies.

@Standrewsschool I will have a look at this thank you.

I do have the book ‘talk so little kids will listen’ but haven’t got far into it yet. It does seem geared towards techniques needing more verbal understanding than he has yet at 2 though

He’s only just about 2

I would recommend "Toddlers Are Assholes - It's Not Your Fault" by Bunmi Laditan.

It might not help in terms of behaviour management, but it will reassure you that you are not suffering alone.

@EarringsandLipstick

Watch a supernanny video where she uses a “time out” step or mat or chair etc.

Don't do this. Supernanny is vile but also 'time out' is very out-dated. Now it's a about 'time-in', sitting with a child /near to them while they calm down.

Also - he's 2. It's not bad behaviour at this stage, it's just not knowing & needing boundaries. I get that you're pregnant but as soon as he heads to the high-chair, go & get him. Saying 'no' often doesn't work - they think it's a game. Then distract him, as much as you can.

I agree that Supernanny methods don't really work. Better off letting them work through but still holding a firm stance. Supernanny makes me cringe tbh

Sitting down and talking to a determined or tantruming 2 year old is not going to achieve anything imho.

Works fantastic in our house!

I always sat near mine but didn't talk until they could. Made himself feel like I was

I think something that doesn’t get mentioned often enough is that different children can be very different in pretty much every conceivable way and what works beautifully for one child might be totally counterproductive for another.

[quote UncleBunclesHouse]@EarringsandLipstick I agree on the swift removal as the better option, problem is at the moment that is physically very difficult for me :( I can hardly walk and am on crutches quite a lot of the time[/quote]
Sorry OP. 😪 that must be v tough. Dealing with a toddler & having SPD.