Child Mediation and Court!

[Buddy155]

Morning,
Need some advice if anyone has had a similar situation. I have my son every other weekend from the Fri night to Sunday night. Then every Wednesday for an hour. Works out only an hour as that day I have to do about 113miles including to work, collecting and dropping him back that evening. She now wants us to have him more and take him to school which isn’t physically possible where I live and how far I am from work and work hours. My work won’t consider me changing my hours and can’t. My ex wants to go to court over me having him more. I want to refuse mediation and court as don’t want to pay for something which has been working fine for the last 4 years. If she pays for it all can she still take me to court? Can the court enforce me to have him more if it’s not physically possible? The way it is has been working for such a long time that surely if I put this case towards them it can just stay as it is. She currently lives about 5 mins from his school and her hours work around the schooling so I’m not sure why now all of a sudden this needs to change.

I think you need to think this through objectively.

Out of 14 days you parents for 2 days and 1 hours. Does that seem a fair split to you?
Do you think that is fair to your son?
You never take him or collect him from school. You use work as your excuse.....what if his mum wants a full time job?

I think you need to consider what kind of father you want to be. What example of parenting you are setting your son. What sort of relationship you want with him.

Maybe there are compromises to be made to your living location or your job to allow you to be a more involved parent.

You need to understand her rationale for changing things. Is she aware that any maintenance you pay would be reduced by further contact?

If you refuse mediation she can take it to court anyway. If you self represent it won't cost you anything. However, it's rather unusual to take someone to court to force more contact on them. The court is only concerned with what is best for the child rather than the parents' requirements.

Parents who have problems dropping and collecting children from school usually use some kind of childcare, so it's rarely impossible to find a solution that means they can't get to work etc.

You would be best posting under legal matters for responses.

How old is your son?

Have you asked your ex why she wants to change the arrangement?

When you split did you move away or did she?

Courts do factor in working hours. You can’t look after a child and work. Or if you finish work at say 8pm then have to drive an hour to pick up the child and an hour back home that just wouldn’t be appropriate as it would be too late.

You say you have child every other weekend and on a weds for an hour. Could you offer every weekend instead?

Yes I think it’s fair. Some Dads don’t even see their kids. Most are just every other weekend. I do a Wednesday for a few hours as well. As mentioned I can change where I live and my work is an hour away from where I live and I start at 7.30am getting him to school at 6am in the morning isnt realistic and having to get him up and ready to leave at 4am in the morning isn’t fair on him when he needs to be at school all day and will be tired. She also wants me to collect him at 3pm again not doable when I work an hour away and I finish work at 4pm. She has a full time job. Her hours match the school and she is five mins away from the school. It’s been working fine for years so seems crazy to me that it requires changing. If a court raises anything I just want to find out if they will understand my case and that nothing can be enforced. I can’t risk losing my job as I need that to be able to pay maintenance for him.

@Fluffyunicorn1

How old is your son?

Have you asked your ex why she wants to change the arrangement?

When you split did you move away or did she?

Courts do factor in working hours. You can’t look after a child and work. Or if you finish work at say 8pm then have to drive an hour to pick up the child and an hour back home that just wouldn’t be appropriate as it would be too late.

You say you have child every other weekend and on a weds for an hour. Could you offer every weekend instead?

He is 4, think it’s because she has a new bf. We only moved away in Feb this year. Before then we were local and everything was fine and no issues ever mentioned. My partner won’t want us having him every weekend. That wouldn’t be fair on her she needs time with me child free.

If she works full time is she paying for before and afterschool club?

If so then couldn't you use those same services if you increased your days so that you finish work at 4pm and pick your child up from afterschool club at 5pm?

Is she feeling that the maintenance you pay doesn't cover half the costs she incurs to work and care for your child 90% of the time?

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

If she works full time is she paying for before and afterschool club?

If so then couldn't you use those same services if you increased your days so that you finish work at 4pm and pick your child up from afterschool club at 5pm?

Is she feeling that the maintenance you pay doesn't cover half the costs she incurs to work and care for your child 90% of the time?

He is only at pre-school he is 4 years old. So no after school clubs unfortunately. She has never had an issue with the amount I pay for child maintenance so that side is fine.

Sorry but you choose to move away that's not your wife's problem.

I think you need to take more responsibility for to child and how you do that is for you to work out not her. Your job and living location just isn't her problem.

If you were my child's father I wouldn't be happy at that arrangement either maybe as your child is getting older her wants to see his father more, maybe that's is the reason for change.

You need to look at living closer to your child and seeking out a Childminder to help with before and after preschool care for your days

You contact with your son is pretty poor and most likely will have a affect on him if you don't sort it out

50:50 is what it should be.

That wouldn’t be fair on her she needs time with me child free.

What a misogynistic twat you sound

So your parenting is optional and hers isn't?

The issue is he's now got school hours and terms rather than full time daycare and she does all the hard graft of parenting & grunge work whilst you swoop in EOW and have the fun bits.

Why not be the main parent and find a job based around your sons needs? I mean that's what you expect your ex to do?

I love it how you think parenting for two days and one hour in two weeks is enough. And your rationale for that is that other dads don’t see their kids at all? Don’t you just set the bar high

I’ll bet you haven’t even looked into breakfast or after school club. Or a childminder.

Having said all that, if the only reason your ex wants you to have him more is that she has a new bloke then that’s pretty shitty. About as shitty as you saying your girlfriend deserves time without kids. I pity your child as both their parents seem to be more interested in their love lives than them.

Step up, be a parent.

I'm a little annoyed by your attitude. You think your division of childcare is fair because some dad's don't even see their kids!!! Really. You want to measure your value by a dead beat who does nothing?

I may have a little more sympathy for you I'd you had 'a big important job' that paid everything and allowed your ex to stay home and be a SAHP. Then you might have a leg to stand on.

Bit really what you are saying is your job is more important than your child and therefore you can't parent. Whist your ex has to have a local job, has to sort out (and pat for?) Wrap around child care. And has to pick up 85% of all the parenting.

I think you need yo change your work to allow you to parent. Maybe that is you ask to start earlier and finish earlier on the day you pick him up from school/afterschool club and then ask to start later/finish later on the day you drop him at before school club. These are the sorts of amendments parents make all the time to parent children.
If your work has no flexibility then look for something closer by so you can play a more equal part.

My partner won’t want us having him every weekend. That wouldn’t be fair on her she needs time with me child free.

Why did you choose to move so far away this year?

You recently moved away when you had a child and previously lived local, why would a responsible parent do that. Sorry I can see why your ex wants you to take more responsibility, I suggest at the very least you look for after school care on your Wednesdays pay for it and pick him up from there straight from work. Now it’s getting to lighter nights and more places are opening up you can take him somewhere local to him spend a couple of hours quality one on one time with your ds without partner and drop him back home in time for bed.
I take it he will be starting school this year, I hope your proposing to cover half the school holidays? Just so you know if you don’t have enough holidays you can pay for holiday clubs like other working parents do.

Everything you are saying is about your convenience and your new partner’s convenience. But you chose to move away from your son - what made you think that would be a good idea?! You’ve just done what suited your and expected your ex to deal with the repercussions.

It doesn’t sound like you can actually provide adequate care to your son on extra days if you would have to wake him at 4am. Would you consider moving back to the local area in order to actually be a parent? I don’t see how any job could be more important than the job of raising your son, so maybe it’s time to put that as your top priority.

Perhaps your child want to see you more. Or perhaps your ex is struggling with pressure of parenting during lockdown. 2 days out of 14 is not much time for you to be spending with your child. Why did you think it was a good idea to move away.

Legally you’re in the clear - the court won’t force you to spend more time with your son. Morally though you’re an arsehole. You moved too far away from your very young child to play any meaningful part in his life. You think that you do enough because you compare yourself to the total deadbeat dads who don’t even see their children.

@Helenahandbasket1

Legally you’re in the clear - the court won’t force you to spend more time with your son. Morally though you’re an arsehole. You moved too far away from your very young child to play any meaningful part in his life. You think that you do enough because you compare yourself to the total deadbeat dads who don’t even see their children.

Is that true? Will courts not try to make it fair to both parents? Does our court system really think that this is even right on a child?

Move back and be a parent, not just a person your child visits. You and your partner sound like absolute twats to be honest.

Ffs what have I just read. You're doing the bare minimum and you know it. I feel so sorry for your son. Your gf needs are irrelevant, she chose you knowing you had a son.

I am going to answer the court question you asked.

A Judge will look at both parents situations and make a decision. If what you say about your work and hours and distance is true then a Judge would make a reasonable decision on time. They wont force you to move back closer, they cant do that.

If she decides to take you to court over this then you would be advised to get some legal advice and representation if you can afford it. If not have a good bundle of documents/evidence/detail to take with you to self represent.

Second identical thread here. OP getting his arse rightly handed to him twice.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters/4206966-Mediation-and-Court-can-I-refuse-to-go?watched=1&msgid=106067147#106067147

Typical horrible "dad". All they care about is how things affect them. They feel parenting is the mums job and anything they do is a bonus, optional!. VERY selfish and inconsiderate!!. Absolutely disgusting!!

I have one of these as my childrens father...even worse than this guy!