Parenting with an ex

[Anonymousmumma]

My ex who sees his 4 year old son frequently appears to do as he wishes . If he decides his hair needs trimming (usually wonky ) he will just do it and not say anything until my son is home and I end up having to question him what happened. We agreed ages ago that because the salon I took him to messed it up if he didn’t like what I did he can sort it out . Low and behold daddy’s covid cuts were awful and even one from what must have been a blind barber last summer . He also often tells me things and doesn’t ask which I don’t feel is fair as the other parent , like when he is taking his son away - he doesn’t ask he just tells me we are away then. If I ask for him to help with childcare during holidays etc he tells me it’s my issue and will pick / choose what days he wants.

Forgive me for being stupid , but surely it’s out of politeness that even with an ex , co parenting is when you communicate and ask the other person when it comes to the child?

Do you have a set agreement? If not might be time to get one so Dad has set days that are his responsibility and he can't just decide when he'll be doing what he feels like.

I've been coparenting 50/50 custody for 5 years, we have a set agreement because when we didn't ex used to use childcare to control what I could and couldn't do, was a bit of a power trip for him not just custody, but holidays, even making plans that he knew would cause a conflict.

Now we have exactly 50/50 set days so there is a lot less control and questions have to be asked if there needs to be a change, they can't just be made and an assumption given that I'll be ok with it.

Hope you're ok, it's a tough things, but sounds like you're trying hard to make it work x

We have a set agreement on days that he has him so that bit works at least. It’s just whenever I seem to ask of anything outside of it I get insults thrown at me saying it’s my problem. Interesting tho if I want to have him on some of those days he is usually at his dads he will be fine with it.

Ok then you have two choices, be as flexible as you have been and just remember you're doing it for the good of your bairn.

Or

Don't be as accommodating when he would like a change, just explain you have plans so it's a no go, he'll soon realise he can't have it all his way, but then he might retaliate by being even more awkward.

It'll get easier as more time passes since your split and as the bairn gets older but sounds like you're doing the best you can, hang on in their. X

Urgh I'm going through this with my ex; obviously I need to work but he's so far objected to childcare choice in Easter holidays (registered childminder) and an after school sitter once/ twice a week after school. PVG checked, brown owl type person. Whilst I'm safety conscious re. the kids I just feel like he's trying to control me.

Apparently I should find a job that's only school hours or when he can have them, tricky as he doesn't do set shifts.

@womaninatightspot

Urgh I'm going through this with my ex; obviously I need to work but he's so far objected to childcare choice in Easter holidays (registered childminder) and an after school sitter once/ twice a week after school. PVG checked, brown owl type person. Whilst I'm safety conscious re. the kids I just feel like he's trying to control me.

Apparently I should find a job that's only school hours or when he can have them, tricky as he doesn't do set shifts.

Definitely sounds like control, think a bit of strength of "either they get cared for by some I choose or you sort it" will have to be your response. You have to work to provide, it's not his right to sabotage this by playing the concerned father.