Absolutely dreading returning to work and leaving my baby at nursery. Did anyone feel the same?

[Itsnoteasyfeelingqueasy]

I’m due back at work in a week. Going back three days and my baby daughter will be going to nursery two days. I really liked the nursery when I viewed it but now it’s imminent I’m really panicking about it.

I’m wracking my brain thinking of ways I can give up work. Today I fleetingly thought I could run away with my baby to avoid it all. I know this is a crazy idea.

It just feel so wrong that I will be at work and other people will be with my baby. I’m normally a level headed, mentally resilient person. Did anyone else feel like this?

I felt like I was genuinely betraying my DD

She went to settling in sessions and stuff. But she had NO IDEA what was coming, there was no way to prepare her or warn her properly.

Day 1 she looked confused as I left her
Day 2 she cried when I left
Day 3 she cried as she saw the nursery
Day 4 she was okay about it
Day 5 she was fine

We're now on month 5 of going, is super excited when she sees the drive way, asks to get out as soon as we've stopped and zooms straight to the door,with me tailing her down the path, when the door opens she's all grins and smiles, zooms in and doesn't look back - the staff have to stop her and ask her to say goodbye to me 🤣

Nearly everyone feels the same way.

Those early days, I was wobbly on the way to work.

But, the thing I told myself to help was "thousands of babies are in childcare for much longer than DD, and they're all fine, DD will be too!"

How old is your dd OP? My eldest dd went to nursery from 11 months, and it was fine, she settled eventually but in hindsight and with the experience of no 2 she didn’t get anything out of nursery until at least 2 and a half. Nursery is fine, they get used to it but I do have a bit of a preference for a homely childminder/nanny set up for younger children. Obviously from aged 3 or so nursery offers important experiences that can’t really be replicated elsewhere.

God yes, I tried to be brave so he didn't worry, then sat outside physically heaving with sobs. The first few weeks back at work I'd cry either in the shower or on the tube every day, and if I saw another baby I'd have a milk letdown.

By about a month in, I was enjoying seeing other people again, and a few months after that I even took the day off so that I could have some time alone while he was at nursery and it was so relaxing.

The second two babies I was just the same.

I'd still choose to be home full time or at least working very part time / school hours if I could- but as the main earner and now a single mum that isn't an option, and actually working has lots of positives. If I hadn't kept my career I'd have been screwed when my then-DH got ill and then more when he moved out, and as it is I've got a nice place, building up a good pension, my kids know I am earning to support them and because I'm more senior I can be more flexible around hanging out together.

Also - drop off it often a lot less traumatic all round when daddy does it, if that's an option for you? Then you can also get the triumphant hero's welcome at pick-up

Wow quick responses so a strong yes to others feeling like this!

My baby will be 9 months when she starts.

I was thinking that I don’t think I could leave her if she was actually crying. So I think having Daddy drop her off is the best tip! He’s working from home and happy to do it.

I haven’t heard from the nursery about settling sessions as she’s not starting until May although I’m back at work next week. I think I’ll contact them and see if we can go and visit as it’s been a long time since I viewed the nursery

You and her will be fine.

I went back at work this week and felt like that last week but I have to say that I’ve enjoyed being back and engaging my brain in one thing at a time (rather than the ten things I’m always thinking about at home) and having that part of me back. I felt a bit more energised by it. It was hard leaving DS at childcare and he did cry initially but I had photos showing he was fine and I know from my DD how much it brought her on.

My baby is 20 weeks. She is going to the nursery which my family own and I am deputy manager, I will be in the same building as her and can go to her whenever I want to. I’m still absolutely dreading it! It’s totally normal.

@Itsnoteasyfeelingqueasy

Wow quick responses so a strong yes to others feeling like this!

My baby will be 9 months when she starts.

I was thinking that I don’t think I could leave her if she was actually crying. So I think having Daddy drop her off is the best tip! He’s working from home and happy to do it.

I haven’t heard from the nursery about settling sessions as she’s not starting until May although I’m back at work next week. I think I’ll contact them and see if we can go and visit as it’s been a long time since I viewed the nursery

If you she does get upset. Best thing is to say goodbye in the first place or "ok, mummy is going now, have lots of fun with Key Person" and if she starts to wobble, just reassure her with a smile and say "mummy will see you soon, I love you bye bye ". ....and go.

Don't pick her up/hold her. As it will make everything worse!

Sounds really harsh writing it down 😬

But she will be fine

Oh yes yes yes. During the settling in sessions I nearly snatched her back, ran away and resigned from work. When they sent me away for an hour I just stood in the window at home staring in the direction of the nursery. The next session I spent making crazy amounts of baby food. DD was absolutely fine

@igmum that made me laugh! My baby had her first settling in session last week and I spent the time wistfully tidying her room. Second settling in session however I was loving life - I got more done in those two hours than I have since she was born.

My baby starts 4 days a week in April and my only advice is to not think too much about it. I spent hours at night imagining scenarios where she'd be upset and not understand why she was there. It's not helpful or productive so don't torture yourself! Whenever I find my mind slipping into those anxious thoughts I remind myself that babies adjust amazingly well. Nursery staff are professionals who know what they are doing, and she'll have loads of new toys and messy play and interaction etc etc.

It also helps that my wee one is a teething banshee atm so quite looking forward to handing her off

Yes, and I cried a lot in the office.

17 years on and I am so glad I did it, my income and pension are unrecognisable from what they would have been if I jumped off the ladder at that stage and I can retire comfortably.

Are you working FT? Is PT an option?

And on those mornings when I left her upset I would call back a short while later, convinced that she was utterly distraught and that I should rescue her from this terrible terrible baby distress. She was always fine. They had given her a rice cake. I know my place in the emotional hierarchy.

I felt like that. Was also 9 months when she started. She loved it. Used to run away from me when I collected her...

@Igmum

And on those mornings when I left her upset I would call back a short while later, convinced that she was utterly distraught and that I should rescue her from this terrible terrible baby distress. She was always fine. They had given her a rice cake. I know my place in the emotional hierarchy.

Haha that made me laugh! It’s true here too.

Our DC is 9m and has been going 2 days a week for a month now, just about to go up to 3 and there’s one lady there he is obsessed with her. If she takes him in the morning there’s smiles and no tears, she lets him sleep on her outside for more than an hour if it’s nap time (outside cuddle naps are his favourite) it’s really evident that the key worker thing actually works. We mentioned to her yesterday that we think she’s the favourite and she just laughed and replied ‘he won’t let me put him down mun not even my own kids like me this much😂’.

Thanks everyone. I just spoke to the nursery and asked for extra settling sessions. They were lovely and flexible about what I felt I needed. When I viewed the nursery in November it was after hours and I didn’t take my baby due to COVID. I just want to see her in that environment and meet the staff. When I looked round I did get really good vibes from the staff I did meet and at that point it really made me feel better about her going. I’m hoping seeing it again will do the same especially if my baby seems happy there

@Itsnoteasyfeelingqueasy

Thanks everyone. I just spoke to the nursery and asked for extra settling sessions. They were lovely and flexible about what I felt I needed. When I viewed the nursery in November it was after hours and I didn’t take my baby due to COVID. I just want to see her in that environment and meet the staff. When I looked round I did get really good vibes from the staff I did meet and at that point it really made me feel better about her going. I’m hoping seeing it again will do the same especially if my baby seems happy there

It’s so tough at the moment OP because you can’t do the ‘normal’ settling in sessions and see how chilled they are once it gets going. I hate the fact that I leave my baby with people I’ve met once from 2m away and have never had a proper conversation with, but it’s just how things have to be at the moment. I’m glad you’re feeling a bit more confident though. My DS did have some tears at the first few drop-offs but now he’s so chatty and smiley when I pick him up, like he’s telling me all about his great day!

I couldn’t wait to get back to work but found it more difficult than I thought it would be. I spent a lot of time just staring into space, relishing the silence, but not getting much done and then beating myself up for wasting time!

I can’t face putting my DD (aged 1.5) in nursery or with a childminder, so have decided to quit my job and return to work when she’s 3 and hopefully more ready for that sort of environment.

If I had a child who I genuinely felt was ready I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but DD is a sensitive little soul and in my gut I don’t believe it’s the right thing for her at the moment.

I felt completely the same. It's so hard. But now they ask To go to nursery even on my days off because they love it so much and miss their little friends. It's one of the hardest things I've done. I really do sympathise.

@hedgehogger1

I felt like that. Was also 9 months when she started. She loved it. Used to run away from me when I collected her...

This was my DD too. I felt bad at first but loved being at work again

My granddaughter started nursery in January and my daughter was worried but it has been absolutely great for the baby. She is obviously a pandemic baby so has had very little interaction with other babies and toddlers. She was 13 months when she started and is there for 2.5 days . She has absolutely thrived and her social skills and interaction has really improved.
Absolutely no tears and on days she is not at nursery she is pointing at her coat and getting her shoes clearly hoping she is going.
Her diet has really improved and she will now eat anything.
So please try and be positive about nursery..it really can be a positive experience even from a young age .💐

I disagree with children under 2 not getting anything out of nursery. Both mine have/do. Particularly my youngest who started last month (at 12 months). She’s barely met a soul this past year, not been to baby classes, socialised with other children etc.. all the lovely things I did with her big sister. I cannot tell you how much she is enjoying nursery! She gets so excited when she sees the building, points & claps her hands. Gives her key worker a big cuddle & toddles off waving at the other children ❤️ They report she’s happy, gets stuck in with older kids, loves lunch time the most 😂 & toddles around happily between playing & having a cuddle with all the grownups. I’ve noticed that she’s much less clingy now & very sociable with other people whereas she was quite shy.. could be a developmental thing but I genuinely think nursery has helped after this shitty year!

I remember feeling very weird about it all at first with my eldest but it quickly becomes normal & you fall into routine. I won’t lie, I very much enjoy my 3 days WFH in a clean & silent house 😂 I do look forwards to 4.30pm though & pick up time!

@HolmeH that’s really good to know. I’m feeling a lot calmer about it. I had a good chat with my sister who reminded me how outgoing my baby is and the nursery will really suit her personality. That was my initial thought when I looked around. I’m just really conflicted by reading and hearing that young babies should be with their parents.