Has lockdown/covid made me a bad parent 😭

[Charleeg]

I have had a full year off work on maternity leave. My beautiful IVF miracle son was born 9 days before lockdown. His nursery called me this morning to talk about his personal plan. She asked did I think he was meeting his milestones amongst other things. I felt and feel so stupid because I don’t know what they are, I’ve got no clue what he’s meant to be able to do at 1😭. Im obviously a ftm, I’ve tried for a decade to be lucky enough to be a mum. I’ve not been able to go to groups with him to compare and the few I did go to when things were relaxed briefly he was tiny and even that was only one group as the places filled up so quickly. Not that I’d compare him to other babies but at least then I could see what other babies his age are doing. She asked what my HV thought but she hasn’t physically seen him since he was 8 weeks old. She’s called me but she hasn’t seen him. When I stammered I didn’t know she asked what my family thought like my mum but my family live at the other end of the country and haven’t even met him yet. I have no support. Ive been putting waterproof boot things on him because that’s all I have, she said they make him slip on their floor and he’s fallen a few times 😭 I bought them for when we use the carrier and I know they are rubbish but I have nothing else and he needs shoes but I can’t go to a shop to have his feet measured properly because we’re in a lockdown and I don’t want to try measure them myself and damage his wee feet and then I started crying at her. 🤦🏻‍♀️ She must think I’m a complete idiot. I just want to do the best for him, I feel so crap. She asked me what he likes, I don’t know what he likes apart from cuddles and books and I just feel like I’m doing a total rubbish job with him and that he’s not developing like he should and I’m completely letting him down. I love him so much that my love for him overwhelms me. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, I’m so scared he’s going to fall behind. 😭😢🤦🏻‍♀️ xxxx

I should probably add the nursery said they don’t have major concerns but he is quiet but the poor boy hasn’t even met other children before being put into nursery. The one class we went to he slept the whole time 😭🤦🏻‍♀️

I didn’t want to read and run. You love him and you’re doing just fine, don’t worry ❤️

(Also people who are in favour of continued lockdowns need to read this)

It’s so frustrating at the moment with shops being shut. And every baby develops at different rates.

And breathe OP. You are raising a tiny human in extremely challenging times. How could you possibly know what a one year old is supposed to do as a first time mum? On a practical note, ask nursery for a copy of the early years development booklet thingy. It will give you a rough idea of the development stages as a guideline. I didn’t go to any baby groups with DD2, cos frankly I couldn’t be bothered. She is in no way disadvantaged. Cuddles and books sound like a great start in life.

He's only literally just 12months old? What exactly is the nursery concerned about? If he's just started going there he might well be quiet until he's had time to get to know the staff, I would say this is entirely normal.

Is he actually walking? If so, some proper shoes might be a good idea. It's easy enough to measure feet with a normal measuring tape. I think Clark's have managed to scare parents in to thinking they have a monopoly on knowing when shoes fit a child, but they really don't. I would measure his feet and order a few pairs e.g. if he's coming up as a 4, get 3.5, 4 and 4.5 and return the ones that don't fit.

With milestones you could have a look at some charts online to see if he's broadly where they say he should be, but to be honest I was much happier ignoring these - comparison is the thief of joy as they say. Unless you think there's some obvious problem or the nursery have specific concerns I wouldn't worry.

You sound like you are doing fine. The last year has not been normal for anyone, but if you have kept him warm, loved, fed and played with, then he won't have come to any harm. Even if he was behind on his milestones it is unlikely that much could or would have been done at such a young age. Hopefully now things are opening up again you will be able to get out and about again, and access some support to help you feel more confident.

Hi op. As the pp said, you can google how to measure a child’s feet, it’s not difficult, and get soft shoes, you won’t damage them and also you can google milestones etc to help you.

Honestly, please don’t take this so seriously.

At 1 year old they shouldn’t be in structured shoes all day anyway! If nursery insist on footwear indoors, look at a good shoe shop online where they tell you how to measure using just a piece of paper and pen.
Brands like Bobux sell good quality shoes that don’t have width fittings so you’d only need to get the length correct.

As for other milestones, at just turned 1 if he is already walking that’s right on track physically.

If you chat to him and read books with him he's getting great communication development from you.

Phone your health visitor and mention that nursery have raised questions about milestones and that you would really like him to be seen in person. Chances are you will feel massively reassured and if there are areas that would be good to develop they will give you the ideas on how to work on them.

You could watch Baby Club together which has really nice approachable activities to do with your baby.

Please please don't despair. You obviously care massively and have done brilliantly. Having your first newborn in lockdown is tough.

As for him being quiet at nursery, this is very normal for lots of kids when they first go to childcare. My DD was the same.

My baby wears those waterproof booties for nursery too as they recommended them before she started walking. I need to get her some wellies but haven’t been able to find any that fit yet with all the shops shut.

Cuddles and books seems like a fine thing to say, at their ages they can’t express any interests yet, what else can you say really? Don’t worry, it sounds like you’re going great. Things will get easier in the summer and when classes start again.

You sound like an awesome mum to me, trust me you have dodged a bullet not going to parenting groups!
I despised them, my son was behind and they made me feel very down when all the other children could do things that mine couldn't. Children tend to do things when they are ready, not when a development chart says they should.
I wouldnt worry about shoes, no shoes is better than crap fitting ones especially given his age. If he is going to nursery that will be great for his socialisation. Otherwise he is loved, fed, clothed and that is the main thing.

It doesn't sound like you're a bad parent at all.

Most people are clueless when they are ftm. Having to wean a baby is the only reason that I can cook and I had no clue when to look out for the next stages like speech, potty training etc

Lots of hugs to you - especially during a pandemic when things are much harder than usual.

Hugs OP. Deep breaths.

Children are all different and develop at different rates. On the whole children have been disadvantaged with lack of opportunities like playgroups, soft play, relatives/friends, baby yoga/massage/etc, baby groups, going to parks etc

Our school (that I'm a governor at) has seen huge set backs with our youngest learners, children missing opportunities has had huge impacts on their abilities for example to write with a pen or toilet train etc. So there is expected to be some slower development in skills as there has been less opportunities for children.

You child will be fine, they won't be alone and they will develop. Some children walk at 7/8 months some are nearly 2 years. I had a child that walked really well at 8 months and another who wasn't walking at 18 months. They all develop differently.

You haven't done anything wrong, your baby is happy and loved. They will pass all their milestones in their own time, there is nothing wrong, they just haven't had those opportunities yet, and now they will.

No not quite walking yet, he’s taken a few steps though.

You're doing fine OP.

I have a 12yo and I still don't know what his 'milestones' are meant to be.

I know he is happy, healthy & doing well at school, but could I list some academic measures he should hit - no, haven't got a clue

Hi @Charleeg I ordered the Clark's foot measure off of Amazon (think it was about £13). My son started to walk during lockdown and I couldn't take him to a shop. It comes with instructions and he now has a pair of shoes that fit really well and I've used them to measure against wellies in Asda, trainers etc....
Ps, there's no manual for parenting, let alone during a pandemic. You're doing great

Oh bless you! If you're worried you're a fantastic mum. Nobody is expected to know everything about raising a baby so go easy on yourself. Also you have zero support!

@Chimboo agree

You are doing an amazing job. All your little boy needs is love, and he sounds like he has that in abundance.
I had dd2 at the beginning of lockdown 1 and it has been so hard, and I've done it before!
Phone your hv and ask for a visit - I requested a face to face one for the 8-12 month review. It might just put your mind at rest.

No you’re not a bad Mum and if I’d received that phone call I would’ve turned it back on them as they are the experts who should know if he is hitting milestones. That’s one of the things you pay them for, they should know this shit.
On the shoes it sounds like he is at the stage where a pair of Clark’s soft first walkers shoes would be appropriate. The good news is they are allowed to open from 12th April so have a look if your local shop is open for bookings. Totally understandable to not want to risk buying the wrong thing as you are right it could damage his growing feet.
Then if you are concerned about knowing about development have a look at the baby centre website or see if there is an antenatal thread on here for babies the same age. I always found it interesting to see what was coming up for my children, not to rush them but just because they change so quickly.

Thank you lovely. I think I probably should have turned it round on them in retrospect. I’m in Scotland so need to wait until 26th April - ever the cautious sturgeon 🤦🏻‍♀️ Thank you so much for all these replies! Especially so quickly. I’ve not posted before and you hear so much bad press about mums net, I’m honestly so touched by your replies. I still feel pretty much the same however it’s nice not to feel so alone. Thank you.

Just wanted to suggest socks with grippers on them as an inbetween solution for indoors, my DDs nursery used to require they had these and they were good for when she was learning to walk. Jojo/ Frugi/ H&M etc have them.
I know how you feel, I have a six month old DS and even though I have an elder DD I have no idea what he should be doing - with my DD I would meet up with some of my Nct group for a walk & chat or baby class nearly every day and it was so reassuring. Also we would see the HV all the time. Now it is so different - give yourself massive credit for just getting through it all so well! And rest assured that now he is going to nursery you will be able to reassure yourself about his development easily!

The fact that you're worrying about being a bad parent tells me that you're probably not a bad parent. Real bad parents don't care.

Just to add, you can fit shoes yourself, or just use the trial and error message. I personally have little faith in Clarks anyway, as when I took my little one to be measured after the 1st lockdown (she was a lockdown walker) they measured her 2 sizes bigger than the ones she'd been wearing (3s rather than 1.5) although they agreed that the 1.5s actually fitted perfectly. She'd have been walking round in clown feet if I'd followed them.

They all reach milestones at different ages, but if you want a rough idea, there are lists of milestones and ages on the internet.

You and your little one sound like you are doing just fine!