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Original poster

Child arrangements

16 replies

Mbbj · 29/03/2021 19:57

My ex works shift work and expects me to go through his rota to sort out days and times. I want to do set days and times So our daughter has a routine with him but not sure how it works with shift work

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BunnyRuddington · 30/03/2021 08:17

He has set days and if he can't see her then they usually arrange fir someone else in the family to look after them while they are at work, just like you'd have to if you were at irk on your days.

Have you got a Child Arrangement Order in place? It might be worth getting one, you can get help with the Court fee if you are on benefits or a low income.

CatsHairEverywhere2 · 30/03/2021 08:20

Why would you want to deny your child time with him? Surely him working shift work, paying maintenance and seeing his child is the most important?

You could go for a child contact order btw, PP is right. But the courts would look at his availability and set days and times around his work.

SoupDragon · 30/03/2021 08:22

She won't have a routine with him if he is working though will she?

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Sarahb197610 · 30/03/2021 19:02

Our 2 children (8 and 10) live with me and stay at their dad’s every other weekend.

My ex and I are good friends and recently he’s been confiding in me about his girlfriend’s erratic behaviour. She has bipolar and hasn’t been taking her meds regularly.

She’s not coping with her 2 children and I’ve been hearing some concerning stories about her (both from him and my children).

He’s on the verge of splitting up with her but has nowhere to go. Tensions are running high and apparently the arguments these last few weeks have been explosive. She’s smashed up his laptop, slammed doors so loud plaster comes off the walls (making her children upset) and a couple of weeks ago she pulled a knife on my ex during an argument and has been self harming.

Naturally I stopped my children staying there and instead offered contact at a local park for a few hours (declined so far).

He’s asked if he can have them this weekend and I’ve refused on the grounds that it’s not safe or stable for our children to potentially witness this behaviour. He says she’s been better this week since on her new meds and they’ve not argued for a week.

I’ve stood my ground and said it’s the childrens’ right to see him not the other way around, and that contact should be in a safe and stable environment.

I’ve offered to cover the petrol to come to me (he has no money and lives 1.5 hours away) and have offered both him and his girlfriend the use of my house whilst I go out so I won’t be there.

How long do I wait before I know it’s going to be safe for them to stay overnight again? Am I being unreasonable?

My ex is going to pressure me to allow the visit in a couple of weeks and I feel like the only way to stop this is to go to a lawyer, but is that taking it too far? Should I trust that my ex will not let any harm come to the children and come up with a plan, should her behaviour become erratic? Or should I try to keep contact local with no overnight for a certain amount of time?

His girlfriend has no clue I know any of this and probably thinks I’m being an awkward ex.

Thanks in advance!

Sarahb197610 · 30/03/2021 19:03

Sorry this is my first time posting so I’m not sure if I’ve put this in the right place or not 🙈

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 19:03

@BunnyRuddington

He has set days and if he can't see her then they usually arrange fir someone else in the family to look after them while they are at work, just like you'd have to if you were at irk on your days.

Have you got a Child Arrangement Order in place? It might be worth getting one, you can get help with the Court fee if you are on benefits or a low income.

Contact is to see him though not other people.

What's the point?

Labh · 30/03/2021 19:56

Hey Sarah you’ve posted in the wrong place you need to do add post and put it on there. I’m so sorry for what your going through I think your completely in the right. Do what is best for your children and what you feel is right

Sarahb197610 · 30/03/2021 20:26

Thank you! I’ll try to copy and paste 🙈

Sarahb197610 · 30/03/2021 20:27

Our 2 children (8 and 10) live with me and stay at their dad’s every other weekend.

My ex and I are good friends and recently he’s been confiding in me about his girlfriend’s erratic behaviour. She has bipolar and hasn’t been taking her meds regularly.

She’s not coping with her 2 children and I’ve been hearing some concerning stories about her (both from him and my children).

He’s on the verge of splitting up with her but has nowhere to go. Tensions are running high and apparently the arguments these last few weeks have been explosive. She’s smashed up his laptop, slammed doors so loud plaster comes off the walls (making her children upset) and a couple of weeks ago she pulled a knife on my ex during an argument and has been self harming.

Naturally I stopped my children staying there and instead offered contact at a local park for a few hours (declined so far).

He’s asked if he can have them this weekend and I’ve refused on the grounds that it’s not safe or stable for our children to potentially witness this behaviour. He says she’s been better this week since on her new meds and they’ve not argued for a week.

I’ve stood my ground and said it’s the childrens’ right to see him not the other way around, and that contact should be in a safe and stable environment.

I’ve offered to cover the petrol to come to me (he has no money and lives 1.5 hours away) and have offered both him and his girlfriend the use of my house whilst I go out so I won’t be there.

How long do I wait before I know it’s going to be safe for them to stay overnight again? Am I being unreasonable?

My ex is going to pressure me to allow the visit in a couple of weeks and I feel like the only way to stop this is to go to a lawyer, but is that taking it too far? Should I trust that my ex will not let any harm come to the children and come up with a plan, should her behaviour become erratic? Or should I try to keep contact local with no overnight for a certain amount of time?

His girlfriend has no clue I know any of this and probably thinks I’m being an awkward ex.

Thanks in advance!

Sarahb197610 · 30/03/2021 20:27

Oh jeez I put it in the same place didn’t I 😂 I give up lol

BunnyRuddington · 30/03/2021 21:04

Contact is to see him though not other people

.What's the point?

I think it's so that the OP knows which days her DD will be with her father so that she can work herself and arrange her own childcare fir when she needs to work.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 30/03/2021 21:13

@BunnyRuddington

Contact is to see him though not other people

.What's the point?

I think it's so that the OP knows which days her DD will be with her father so that she can work herself and arrange her own childcare fir when she needs to work.

But the contact isn't to facilitate her work, it's to facilitate contact between the child and the father.

I understand why set days is better for op, but it's about what's better for the child surely?

It's contact to see her dad, she should be seeing her dad.

CatsHairEverywhere2 · 30/03/2021 21:33

@BunnyRuddington you know your work schedule in advance even with shift work. You’re able to plan 2 weeks to a month out at a time for days/times to see a child usually. Plenty of notice for the OP to arrange childcare if she plans on working

BunnyRuddington · 31/03/2021 18:52

you know your work schedule in advance even with shift work. You’re able to plan 2 weeks to a month out at a time for days/times to see a child usually. Plenty of notice for the OP to arrange childcare if she plans on working

I am completely mystified by this thread. So the OP has to bend over backwards, going through her ex's shift pattern to make sure that he can have his DD on his days off only so that he can be the ultimate Disney Dad, but if she wants to work, she then had to arrange childcare around a shift pattern of someone that she's not even with.

OP, just apply to the Court fir set days like everyone else does.

Labh · 31/03/2021 19:13

I haven’t denied him access he sees her 3 times a week.
I’m going back to work in may so I have to sort out my childcare and sit there in my evenings and go through my ex’s rota that changes every month and he don’t send it to me in advance he sends it the night before the new month starts.
He don’t pay no maintenance for our daughter or doesn’t provide anything when she’s will him I have send her with everything!!

CatsHairEverywhere2 · 31/03/2021 20:09

@Labh in that case I would go to court, a judge will tell him he has to provide you with his work rota as far in advance as possible. The night before is not acceptable. But they will unfortunately look at his availability and make a decision based around that because contact isn’t for his benefit, it’s for your daughters. Unfortunately the courts think shitty fathers are better than no fathers. You are not responsible for providing anything while she is in her fathers care, if he’s unable to provide for her needs (e.g. food, clothing, a bed etc) he could possibly be denied overnight contact. You’re also entitled to child maintenance, there’s a £20 or so fee to claim but it can be waived in certain circumstances and is not dependent on you having a court order. If he refuses to pay voluntarily they can take it directly from his wages, but you face a long battle before that’ll happen unfortunately. Good luck

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