How do you decide whether to have a 2nd child

[bootlebum]

I am totally at a loss. DS is 5. Light of my life but I found pregnancy awful, had a horrific birth, struggled with baby and toddlerhood. I had bad anxiety pre and post natal. I just thought I couldn't face doing it again.

We've made a lot of life decisions on the basis of not having any more - bought an expensive small house in central London with a big mortgage, I went for promotion and have a wonderful (new) job. DH is lovely but was useless with a new baby and the majority of the work to maintain our lives is done by me.

I'm too old to have another (I feel), can't afford it, would probably have to move. Might be tipped over the edge emotionally. Don't know if DH will be up for it. DS doesn't show any interest in siblings. And yet and yet and yet. I can't stop thinking about another baby and a brother or sister for DS.

I'm not sure if the pandemic is having an effect, might be peri menopausal, might be mid life crisis.

Help! Can anyone advise how you work through this? Where do I start?

I've just always known I'd like 2 children, a boy and a girl. For me 1 of each would be perfect. I know obviously there's no guarantees that will happen before anyone says anything, and obviously any child is a blessing and would be perfect.
We have 1 child, a boy. My husband and I have always said we wouldn't even think of trying for another until our 1st is settled at school. We wouldn't want another baby while our 1st was so young. A 5-6 year gap would be perfect for us. When he's settled at school I feel I'd be more able to give my 2nd baby the same attention I gave my 1st. He's 5, he started reception this September. Initially we may have thought about trying for another within the next year or 2, as we feel he will be properly settled by then. Obviously now with the situation we wouldn't even consider trying for another so soon. Will all depend on how things are and what happens.
My mum had her children 10 years apart though. There's 10 years between my brother and I, 10 years between my brother and sister, and 20 years between my sister and I. Which was so nice because I was able to me so much more involved.

Nature decided for us, in our case, so we only have one. It wasn't what we had planned but I'm so glad with how things have turned out. Having an only child is fabulous!

There is no right or wrong answer to whether or not you should have a second child. If you decide to go ahead, then do it because it's what you and your DH want, but please don't have a baby just to give your DC a sibling.

A sibling might improve his life, or it might have the opposite effect. You have no means of knowing.

@AlexaShutUp if you'd asked me even a month ago if I wanted another I'd have said no way. One is fabulous. I think I'd better hold tight and see if the longing passes...

Nothing in your post suggests that you'd be particularly chuffed to have a 2nd! For me I just knew I didnt want DD to be an only and that was enough to make me just get on and have another. Reading your post, in your shoes I wouldn't. If you enjoy having an only that is a good thing and you sound like you have a great life with him.

You just know if you want another, and as you don't, I'd say you don't want another right now. Maybe you will feel differently later down the line, maybe not. I think it's the same as deciding your first, how did you decide to have one? It's the same for deciding your first.

if you'd asked me even a month ago if I wanted another I'd have said no way. One is fabulous. I think I'd better hold tight and see if the longing passes...

It's interesting that you mention longing, as this didn't come across from your first post at all. It sounded more like you were afraid you might regret not giving your ds a sibling.

Only you know how you truly feel. All I would say is that any new baby should wanted for its own sake, and not as an accessory to an existing child who might not thank you for it anyway!

I'm with you on this! It's so confusing.

I had an intensely broody moment last summer and ttc for 2 cycles. When testing during the 2nd month I realised that I was hoping for a negative 😬🤞 and suddenly felt absolutely terrified by the magnitude of what I was playing with.

So yeah, until I'm at the point where I cry when I see a pregnant woman, I'm more than content with my one.

Ok PPs have made some very very good points. With my first - I wanted him more than I have ever wanted anything and I was obsessed. I don't feel like that about no 2. More sad that DS isn't my baby anymore and also that I'm now institutionalised and don't know how to not be a mother. I really think parenting has messed with my head. I sort of hate it. But I also love it. Argh!!!

@plantingandpotting I'm with you. Will wait for crying over pregnant women...

With everything you've said I don't see why you would, you sound happy as you are:)

Totally understand that it’s such a hard decision. We have a 10 month old who I adore but I hated pregnancy and have no idea how or if I could go through it again. Especially with a toddler?! I had to stay in bed loads due to awful morning sickness and I can’t imagine a newborn and the lack of sleep again. I also wouldn’t consider getting pregnant still with the Covid fear and restrictions.
But I am old (close to 40) so I have really begun - already run out of time? Who knows if we would regret it in a few years?

We knew we could never go through it again so DH had the snip when our only baby was just 5 months. I wanted to make the decision final while the hell of the newborn phase was fresh in our minds. The fact that it's never going to be an option for us to have another takes all the 'what ifs' out of my head. We are very happily 'one and done'.

Go and look back at some early baby pictures of your DC and take yourself back there (I find it emotionally hard to do this). Could you really go through that again? Maybe you could, but does your husband want to?